I love it when someone gets in touch to pitch a very specific case: something that they feel incredibly strongly about, for which they’d like their message to get as big an audience as possible. Doubly so when I approve that message wholeheartedly, as I do with this one. Today’s guest blogger would like to address cisgender men who have apparently been taking sex advice from misogynist pickup artists from the early noughties. Please welcome the fabulous Synonymph – a polyamorous sex enthusiast with a firm message for the men she meets: please please stop putting her hand on your boner.
Please stop putting my hand on your boner
Disclaimer: I am a cis woman writing about my experiences with cis men. I do not claim to know whether this behaviour is common among other genders.
Have you ever been in the middle of some fun sexy chat or light makeout session with a guy who, before you can realise what he’s doing or react, tells you he’s hard (if he even does that) whilst taking your hand and placing it over his dick? Did it bother you? Since encountering it from multiple men I’ve come to realise that it bothers me. Let’s break it down…
1. Consent…where’d it go?
The jarring thing about experiencing this behaviour from men I’ve dated/slept with is that in every other respect they are really good at consent! Noticeably so! This seems to be the only exception and I’m not sure why. Is it an overriding need to prove that they’re hard in the moment, and if so, why is it something they think they don’t need to ask me first like any other act they might initiate? Do they think because they’re still fully dressed that they don’t need to ask before putting my hand on their genitals? Do they forget that regardless of whether we’re talking sexy or getting a bit more steamy with it, putting someone’s hand on your bits without asking is a very sexually aggressive thing to do?
2. Your dick is not the centre of the universe
Maybe it isn’t that deep and many men just prefer the direct approach, but regardless, to me it’s no excuse. Maybe don’t assume that touching your dick is my top priority yet. Maybe don’t assume that you need to force me to acknowledge your dick to make me horny to begin with. Maybe don’t assume I wasn’t going to get there in my own time. Abruptly putting my hand on your dick feels like the in person version of sending an unsolicited dick pic.
I’m not going to say cis women never cross boundaries or ignore consent, obviously that’s not the case. However I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that it’s something men do much more frequently. I’ve never grabbed someone’s hand and placed it between my legs without asking. The grab comes off quite caveman (‘me horny, you touch my dick now’) and we don’t need that in the 21st century thank you very much.
3. Anticipation is sexy!
I love touching cock. It’s one of my favourite activities. So if you grab my hand and place it over your clothed boner without asking first, I want to emphasise I’m not necessarily annoyed because I didn’t want to (although that’s a perfectly valid reason!). If we’re talking sexy or getting physical, it’s likely I’m already very down. What I object to is not only having my autonomy overridden (obviously) but also being robbed of the moment of suspense, the chance to process and anticipate what’s about to happen.
Imagine saying “Wanna feel?” or “Can I show you what you’ve done to me?” Not only have you given me the chance to say no, as is my right, but you’ve given me a few delectable seconds to think about how hard you are before I get to feel for myself. That’s sooo much hotter. “I’m so hard for you right now” is another incredibly hot thing to say. Whatever the phrase, it communicates where you’re at just as effectively without forcing me to interact with your dick when maybe I’m not ready yet, or just don’t want to.
4. Asking is a conversation starter
When it comes to sex, asking isn’t just necessary – it’s really attractive. As a true switch myself I love men who enjoy being submissive as well as dominant. But beyond my personal predilection for witnessing a man be hesitant, shy or nervous, seeing him express what he wants or how he’s feeling rather than just trying to take it reveals another gorgeous facet: vulnerability. When a man asks me for something it means he’s openly acknowledging that I have the option to say no, or generally waiting for what flavour of horny response I might give, and that exchange humanises us both, as well as starting a (hopefully very sexy) dialogue where we can set the pace together. It’s an approach that comes from a place of security rather than a need to force something to happen in case it never materialises.
5. Patience, patience, patience…
I’ve had a lot of great sex with men over the years but if I could impart one tip it would be this: slow down! Whether it’s rushing to stick your fingers inside me when we’ve barely gotten started or mashing my hand onto your jean-covered dick, I assume that the frenetic or impulsive behaviour comes from a place of horny impatience (and maybe sometimes an eagerness to prove ability or sexual interest).
So please, stop putting my hand on your boner. I’m here! I’m not going anywhere! I promise I’m going to feel a lot more comfortable, eager and horny if you slow your roll a little, and remember the importance of a good check-in.
3 Comments
Cis-straight male here. I 100% understand the problem with this action when in the early stages of meeting somebody – the first time a woman touches my boner shouldn’t be from me placing her hand there unsolicited. And I have indeed heard that such behaviour is very common, and I do think that this PSA is useful to men.
I am curious about your thoughts on this in the context of an ongoing relationship. As in, if we’ve slept together a bunch of times (where the sexual assault element on putting your hand on my boner is presumably past) would you still object to this as a sometimes part of foreplay? Not always (boring) but sometimes, as part of the dance of “how will we get there this time”?
There are lots of different ways I could answer this question, but I’m going to start by painting you a picture.
Let’s say I’m in a relationship with a guy who has been struggling with erections lately. Maybe he’s going through a period of stress at work, and his mental health has taken a nosedive. Whatever. For a few weeks, whenever we’ve got down to shagging, he’s found it tricky to get hard – much to his added distress. We’ve talked about it calmly and gently, and I’ve issued reassurance and explained I don’t need him to be hard, just to connect with me, and we’ve had some lovely intimate times that don’t require an erection. I know he’s worried about it though, and both of us are hoping that things become easier for him because we enjoy penetrative sex and don’t want him to have this added ‘lack of boner’ stress on top of whatever else is going on.
Then, one night, we’re making out on the sofa. We’re being playful and teasing each other, whispering horny things and touching – you know, all that good stuff. At one point, mid-kiss, he breaks off and grins at me. Says “hey, guess what?” and gently takes my hand before placing it onto his cock. At which point, I suddenly realise why he’s grinning – he’s diamond hard. I grin too and we kiss a little more. I move my hand just enough to start unzipping his fly and…
There. Isn’t that wonderful? What a gorgeous moment of intimacy to share, and within the context of all that’s gone before, what a beautiful way for him to share it. A thought for you to ponder: what is it exactly that’s made a difference here, rather than in the examples discussed by the guest blogger?
So onto my answer. I don’t want to speak for Synonymph if she’d like to chip in with her thoughts, but I have thoughts on this which I want to share. There’s a lot of context that goes in to the sexual choices we make. We can read the other person’s body language, learn things based on past experiences with them – things they’ve done or said – and we can explicitly ask.
You’re explicitly asking the author of this piece the following question…
“would you still object to this as a sometimes part of foreplay? Not always (boring) but sometimes, as part of the dance of “how will we get there this time”?”
…and I don’t think that she can answer that question for anyone other than herself. Likewise me. I can give you examples of contexts in which this thing might work for me, but it will only ever be applicable to me. If you want to know how *your* partners feel about this, you’d need to ask them directly. My gut feeling is that even in a long term relationship, someone just *putting my hand on their dick* will fail to move me sexually for many of the less-consent-focused reasons Synonymph has discussed in the post: anticipation is sexy, asking is a conversation starter, etc. You may well end up in relationships with people who find the directness of it riotously horny, and that’s great! But you can only ever know that by asking *them*, not a stranger. And asking – again, actually explicitly having conversations about this – is a sexy and important thing to do. It isn’t a boring tickbox step you should try and skip if possible, it’s part and parcel of the joy of sexual discovery.
As I say, I don’t want to speak for Synonymph. But from my perspective, I find it disheartening how often a post I write or publish that tackles consent from a specific angle receives at least one comment from a guy asking ‘well what about this edge case though?’. Context in sex is extremely important, and although I can make some fairly bland and blanket statements (if someone says ‘no’ then you need to stop), there will always be edge cases (if I’m engaging in a bit of CNC play with a partner I know well, my ‘no’ might reasonably be understood to mean ‘keep going cos it isn’t our agreed safeword’ etc). I don’t really understand where it comes from, this desire to find an edge case in the macro discussions, because these edge cases are always going to be unique and specific to the relationships and dynamics that you build with individuals. I can’t be the arbiter of what any other individual might consider an appropriate moment to drop ‘don’t put my hand on your boner’ as a blanket rule.
You say ‘if we’ve slept together a bunch of times (where the sexual assault element on putting your hand on my boner is presumably past)’, but I don’t think there is *any* point in *any* relationship where sexual assault is ‘presumably past’. I got raped a while back by a guy I knew well, and had slept with many times before. The negotiation of boundaries, preferences, desires, moves, etc isn’t something you only need to do at the start of a relationship just to establish consent, it’s something that is (or should be) woven into the sexual play that you have even long after you’ve got past the early days of dating. Not just because it’s important for consent purposes, but because it’s *fun*. It is *nice* to have these discussions and understand your partner better. It builds intimacy and connection.
As Synonymph so neatly puts it in all the sections of her post that talk about things *other* than consent: asking is good, anticipation is sexy, “Not only have you given me the chance to say no, as is my right, but you’ve given me a few delectable seconds to think about how hard you are before I get to feel for myself”. These things do not cease to be true once you’re in a long term relationship. If you think they *have* ceased to be true in yours, or if you want them to and want to embark on some sex play that is more grabby, then just… ask your partner what they think about that.
Thanks for the detailed reply. Once again you’ve given me good things to consider as I navigate the world of dating and sex. As always, communication is key.