I love it when someone gets in touch to pitch a very specific case: something that they feel incredibly strongly about, for which they’d like their message to get as big an audience as possible. Doubly so when I approve that message wholeheartedly, as I do with this one. Today’s guest blogger would like to address cisgender men who have apparently been taking sex advice from misogynist pickup artists from the early noughties. Please welcome the fabulous Synonymph – a polyamorous sex enthusiast with a firm message for the men she meets: please please stop putting her hand on your boner.
Please stop putting my hand on your boner
Disclaimer: I am a cis woman writing about my experiences with cis men. I do not claim to know whether this behaviour is common among other genders.
Have you ever been in the middle of some fun sexy chat or light makeout session with a guy who, before you can realise what he’s doing or react, tells you he’s hard (if he even does that) whilst taking your hand and placing it over his dick? Did it bother you? Since encountering it from multiple men I’ve come to realise that it bothers me. Let’s break it down…
1. Consent…where’d it go?
The jarring thing about experiencing this behaviour from men I’ve dated/slept with is that in every other respect they are really good at consent! Noticeably so! This seems to be the only exception and I’m not sure why. Is it an overriding need to prove that they’re hard in the moment, and if so, why is it something they think they don’t need to ask me first like any other act they might initiate? Do they think because they’re still fully dressed that they don’t need to ask before putting my hand on their genitals? Do they forget that regardless of whether we’re talking sexy or getting a bit more steamy with it, putting someone’s hand on your bits without asking is a very sexually aggressive thing to do?
2. Your dick is not the centre of the universe
Maybe it isn’t that deep and many men just prefer the direct approach, but regardless, to me it’s no excuse. Maybe don’t assume that touching your dick is my top priority yet. Maybe don’t assume that you need to force me to acknowledge your dick to make me horny to begin with. Maybe don’t assume I wasn’t going to get there in my own time. Abruptly putting my hand on your dick feels like the in person version of sending an unsolicited dick pic.
I’m not going to say cis women never cross boundaries or ignore consent, obviously that’s not the case. However I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that it’s something men do much more frequently. I’ve never grabbed someone’s hand and placed it between my legs without asking. The grab comes off quite caveman (‘me horny, you touch my dick now’) and we don’t need that in the 21st century thank you very much.
3. Anticipation is sexy!
I love touching cock. It’s one of my favourite activities. So if you grab my hand and place it over your clothed boner without asking first, I want to emphasise I’m not necessarily annoyed because I didn’t want to (although that’s a perfectly valid reason!). If we’re talking sexy or getting physical, it’s likely I’m already very down. What I object to is not only having my autonomy overridden (obviously) but also being robbed of the moment of suspense, the chance to process and anticipate what’s about to happen.
Imagine saying “Wanna feel?” or “Can I show you what you’ve done to me?” Not only have you given me the chance to say no, as is my right, but you’ve given me a few delectable seconds to think about how hard you are before I get to feel for myself. That’s sooo much hotter. “I’m so hard for you right now” is another incredibly hot thing to say. Whatever the phrase, it communicates where you’re at just as effectively without forcing me to interact with your dick when maybe I’m not ready yet, or just don’t want to.
4. Asking is a conversation starter
When it comes to sex, asking isn’t just necessary – it’s really attractive. As a true switch myself I love men who enjoy being submissive as well as dominant. But beyond my personal predilection for witnessing a man be hesitant, shy or nervous, seeing him express what he wants or how he’s feeling rather than just trying to take it reveals another gorgeous facet: vulnerability. When a man asks me for something it means he’s openly acknowledging that I have the option to say no, or generally waiting for what flavour of horny response I might give, and that exchange humanises us both, as well as starting a (hopefully very sexy) dialogue where we can set the pace together. It’s an approach that comes from a place of security rather than a need to force something to happen in case it never materialises.
5. Patience, patience, patience…
I’ve had a lot of great sex with men over the years but if I could impart one tip it would be this: slow down! Whether it’s rushing to stick your fingers inside me when we’ve barely gotten started or mashing my hand onto your jean-covered dick, I assume that the frenetic or impulsive behaviour comes from a place of horny impatience (and maybe sometimes an eagerness to prove ability or sexual interest).
So please, stop putting my hand on your boner. I’m here! I’m not going anywhere! I promise I’m going to feel a lot more comfortable, eager and horny if you slow your roll a little, and remember the importance of a good check-in.