I’ve spent far too long trying to come up with ideas to put a spin on this year’s Valentine’s Day post. I promise my lovely site sponsors I’ll do one every year, because Valentine’s Day is pretty big in the sex industry and it’s a good time to remind you of awesome products that you can buy to support my work. This year I’m struggling. Everything’s awful, isn’t it? Fascism, obviously. The latest tranche of Epstein emails. AI making it hard to know what’s real and what isn’t. Genocide. I get that this isn’t the most appropriate way to start a post about Valentine’s Day, but forgive me, it’s all I have. Everything is absolutely terrible, and it’s hard to write a jolly wrap or sexy little vignette designed to sell you sex toys in the shadow of all that.
What I can do is give a list of recommendations, as I usually do. And I can open it by telling you that if you’re looking to buy something fun for a partner/fuck buddy/spouse, I’d love you to consider buying through the links below because doing so directly supports my work.
I can also tell you that – fuck it – when everything is awful and bad, it’s important to show love to the people in our lives. Hold tight to those we cherish. That doesn’t mean you have to buy them all nice knickers or a fuck wand, you can tell them you love them in other ways. But please do tell them you love them, however fits best.
I’ve been guilty in the past of outrageous cynicism, particularly around Valentine’s Day. For me, it’s one of those events that I used to shun because I was pretty sure no boy would bother doing anything for me, so pre-emptively pretending I didn’t want it felt like a way to save face. Later down the line, when I started working as GOTN full-time, the phrase ‘Valentine’s Day’ became too associated with work to hold much genuine joy.
These days I find myself aching for the simplicity of either of these concerns. What a luxury, to be vaguely irritated by a commercial holiday! How delicious it would be to have nothing better to pout about than Valentine’s desires going unfulfilled. In case you’re wondering, what I’d like on Valentine’s Day is for a hot boy to come and meet me after my work shift with a bunch of flowers and a saucy grin, then whisk me off for cocktails before taking me home and unveiling some weird new sex toy that we can absolutely ruin together. It won’t happen, which is obviously more than OK, because holy fuck there are infinitely worse problems in this shitshow of a world. I miss having silly little rants about this sort of thing though, a feeling that is in itself deeply self-indulgent. So many old problems are silly and small now. I miss being able to dwell on frustrations that aren’t apocalyptic in scope.
Anyway. If you’re wondering what to get me for Valentine’s Day, it’s that: a hot boy to meet me after work, and an end to all the apocalyptic problems.
If you’re shagging someone who’s easier to please, though, try one of the following:
Lovense – Hush 2
This is a butt plug that comes with a tonne of smart features, and if you read my recent blog post on the Lovense Osci 3 you’ll understand why I am a bit obsessed with the ‘smart’ stuff. Not only can you use a mobile app to control this toy over a distance, you can do a tonne of other fun stuff too – butt-vibe Tetris, anyone? Most excitingly for me, you can turn on the ‘sound’ mode to have the toy vibrate in response to audio porn. Meaning you can literally feel someone fuck you with their words. So excited was I by this concept that I wrote a story for this exact purpose, and I have already had one message from someone who tried it out with their own sound-activated sex toy and found it very successful. Judging by the emojis they used, I’m assuming in the very literal sense. I took a little victory lap around my desk when I read that.
The Hush 2 is a sleek butt plug with a wide base that comes in four sizes, so you can pick the one that will fit you (or your partner) best. It’s currently ON SALE for Valentine’s Day so you can get one for £74. But there are lots of other toys on the Lovense website that will do the same thing, in different configurations depending on the kind of stimulation that works best for you – check them out in the Valentine’s Day sale!
The Pleasure Garden – Satisfyer Pro 2
I find it extremely annoying that the Satisfyer Pro 2 is good, but good it is. I’m only annoyed because the way I wank is very different to how this toy wants one to wank. It requires you to basically keep your hand still, with the pulsing suction part of the toy on your clit, at which point it will pulse and suck and if you’re anything like me incredibly efficiently to orgasm. But it’s testament to how well this system works that even though the very concept annoys me, and I find it excruciatingly difficult to keep my hands still while I’m wanking, nevertheless I have had more than my fair share of orgasms thanks to this.
And a similar one, that is shaped like a penguin. If anything, I am even more annoyed by the penguin. Look at its cute little bow tie. Outrageous. Works a treat, though.
Satisfyer Pro 2 – £58.95, but use code GIRLONTHENET for 10% off
Satisfyer Pro Penguin – ditto!
Meo.de – AlphaMale briefs
Ignore the name of these pants, please, and instead just gaze upon the hotness of the way they display someone’s body. Tight black briefs with white trim to highlight the curves of someone’s bulge and bum, plus a split at the back for ease of access. Perfection. If you want something even more slutty (and who doesn’t?) then these fishnet backless briefs are also astonishingly hot.
I’ll keep saying it till I’m blue in the face: sexy underwear is not just for women. I would absolutely bury my face in a guy who was wearing these.
AlphaMale backless briefs – usually $72.82, currently ON SALE for $48.53
AlphaMale open briefs – – usually $72.82, currently ON SALE for $48.53
WhippleTickle – E-stim kit
It’s been a while since I talked about e-stim, but I used to absolutely love my fancy ElectraStim equipment. E-stim is basically a way to direct electric tingles into various parts of your body, resulting in kickass kinky experiences. Some painful, some pleasurable, many combining both those things in ways that are curious and fun. Check out this blog post about having an electric vagina: an ex and I put one e-stim pad on each of our bodies, then connected a circuit while we were fucking. It felt like my cunt was dragging him into my body, and it was honestly one of the coolest and most unique fucking experiences of my life to date. This kit comes with those pads so you can recreate the experience, plus a probe that can be used anally or vaginally if you want to feel the tingles deep inside you.
ElectraStim Flix kit – usually £158.99, currently ON SALE for £134.99. Use code GOTN10 for an extra 10% off. If e-stim isn’t your cup of tea (I appreciate it’s niche), then have a browse around in the WhippleTickle sale – there is absolutely tonnes to choose from.
Bloom Stories – annual sub
This one is a very easy slam-dunk if you’re here for the audio erotica, especially if you and your partner like listening to it together. Whether you’re shagging along to a story or just swapping links to favourites to get each other in the mood, the more options you have on hand the better you can explore all the details of your branching desires. Bloom has such a huge range of stories, as well as intimacy guides and now full audio books too! Set up a free account so you can check out what’s there, and if you want to give a subscription to someone for Valentine’s Day, use the code GIRLONTHENET to get a hefty discount.
Try BloomStories for free here.
Literotica – free stories
As always, I am delighted that I get to include one thing that doesn’t cost you a single penny: Literotica. They’ve sponsored my website for a long time, and all they want in return is for people to click through and read/listen to the enormous bank of stories that they now have available.
Check out Literotica for free here.
Thank you and sorry
Apologies that this isn’t a better post. If you’re a site sponsor, I promise I’ll pull something better out of the bag when Masturbation Month rolls round in May – let’s hope the world will have put an end to all the fascism and sex abuse and genocide by then. If you’re a reader, my struggle in writing this won’t matter much to you, which is entirely as it should be, but it felt important to me to be honest. Just as I wouldn’t recommend products that I didn’t genuinely think were worth shelling out for, so I can’t write a post that pretends everything’s OK when I feel like it’s anything but.
My cynicism about Valentine’s is such a yesterday problem, quite frankly. Taking a day out of our lives to celebrate love is a worthwhile thing to do. And although it often comes with obligations, gifts and promises, ultimately the good stuff is all about practicing love. Showing people that we appreciate them, fancy them, enjoy their company. Supporting and uplifting them. Making them feel good.
I’m not going to put any pressure on you to buy stuff this Valentine’s Day, but if you’re on the fence about doing something for the person you love – maybe taking them for cocktails, writing a saucy limerick in a card, or even – yes – picking up new knickers and a fuck wand, I’d urge you to do it. The worse things get in the wider world, the more important it is to appreciate the things and the people that make the hard stuff bearable.
If there’s someone in your life who’d appreciate hearing it, please tell them you love them. Today, on Valentine’s Day, and every day.