Guest blog: Wanking brought me closer to my husband

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

This week’s guest blog is a celebration of my favourite topic: wanking. Danielle H is here to smash a few bizarre notions about masturbating while in a relationship, and explain how wanking – and talking openly about it – brought her closer to her husband. Read it, nod vigorously, share it, then have a wank.

Wanking brought me closer to my husband

I love to wank: it’s the ultimate and most literal form of self-love. It’s also something nearly everyone does but not many people seem able to talk about. Despite me being willing to put money that the vast majority of people do it a lot, there’s a taboo attached which means everyone has to pretend they don’t: especially women, and especially people in relationships.

Well, I’m a woman in a relationship who wanks. A lot. And talking about it with my partner was one of the best things we could have done.

Before we got together, I had serious relationships, and I’d talked about my sexuality, but never felt confident enough to discuss masturbation, despite being hypersexual. I would feel like I had to sneak off at night and do it quickly and then pretend that I wasn’t aware that my partner did the same. It was weird, but unfortunately that method seems to be the norm.

Masturbating in a relationship

I remember being in school and a friend telling me that her mum and stepdad had had the biggest row ever and it might be over between them, and do you know why? It was because she’d caught him watching porn and masturbating. Even at the time I remember thinking ‘So?’

If I didn’t talk about wanking with my ex-partners it was more because I felt I didn’t want to embarrass them by asking them to discuss their private habits, and it blew my mind that a relationship could be threatened because someone was so wrapped up in the erroneous idea that no one masturbates in relationships. In fact, I don’t even think that it was erroneous thinking; I believe it was good old society doing its stuff to warp logic again.

If I’m in a relationship and my partner looks lustfully after Kim Kardashian, I don’t see how I can get mad because a: I’m looking too, b: I’m not conceited enough to think I look as amazing as Kim Kardashian, and furthermore c: everyone has eyes. If someone’s attractive then it’s human nature to look at them; and to expect people in relationships to become suddenly blind is putting undue and unnatural pressure on them and on the relationship.

Same with masturbation: it’s natural and to expect someone to stop doing something natural just because they’re in a relationship is putting that same pressure on everyone involved. So I decided, with age and experience, to be more open about the subject if and when it came up. About six months into my current relationship it came up.

Can I be with you and still wank?

My partner was upset, withdrawn, seemingly torn about something, and after much cajoling I managed to get it out of him: he was in love with me and wanted to marry me but he still wanted to wank so it must mean he had to leave and live alone. It sounds cruel but I laughed, only because it was so much the opposite. He had become victim to the idea that you go blind to beauty when you’re in love and that people in relationships didn’t wank. So I explained that I did so daily, that I would prefer to be open about it and that in my eyes if either of us wanted to do so at any point in the day we could just announce that we were off to masturbate and that we’d be back when done.

It was like a revelation; to him because he hadn’t realised it could even be discussed let alone be free of judgement, and for me because it was so freeing to have it out on the table. There were two rules: we wouldn’t ask what the other person had watched / imagined etc (private time is private), and we wouldn’t use it in anger as a way to hurt the other.

It worked.

One year later we got married, and it’s the most easy-going and honest relationship I’ve ever experienced. I feel like I’m utterly myself, no exceptions, and we both agree that we would advocate that wanking conversation to anyone. It’s also had the pleasant but unexpected benefit of us both agreeing we’re much less inclined to cheat because we’re less frustrated and more free to experience natural lust for the other beautiful humans that populate the world.

Masturbation is natural, not to mention amazing, and you don’t have to sacrifice it for anyone. Have the conversation, have a laugh, set some basic rules if need be, and enjoy the freedom of being able to stand up, kiss your partner on the nose, and say:

“I’m just going for a wank, back in a bit!”


This post is sponsored by the lovely people at Tabu Toys, who give me some cash to help keep the site running and pay guest bloggers for their brilliant work. Established in Austin, Texas in 1992, is on a mission to bring the most refined, tech savvy and fun erotic gear to everyone – for solo play and couples play.  Inspired by a passion for curiosity and sexual experimentation, provides a huge selection of vibratorsmasturbators and much more to help you and your partner(s) celebrate the joys of masturbating without shame or stigma. Use the code GOTN20 for 20% off. 


  • Jul says:

    I just loved this. How totally charming. It’s not just that I find honest communication to be critical to good sex, but that it really gets me off to know what my partner is perving on in their head and why they find it hot, whether or not it has anything to do with me. The only flaw I can see in your system is that being told that “I’m just going for a wank” would make me either watch through a crack in the door, or just walk in and sit on that dick.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ahhhhh I suffer from that issue too (the ‘wanting to watch’ one!). Either that or I’ll come home after a night out, and he’ll be looking all hot lying on the sofa in his PJs with his hand down his pants, and I’ll ask him to tell me about any particularly hot wanks he’s had that evening. If he actually does, and goes into detail on an especially fun wank (with toys, detailing the porn he watched, etc) then I end up getting really horny, which is tricky given that he’s literally just had a big wank and probably won’t fancy it for a while. Then I have to go for a wank, then *he* gets horny, and we end up on a weird mismatched-wanking cycle. Still, it’s one of those nice problems to have =)

  • Danielle H says:

    Hi Jul, thank you, I’m really glad you enjoyed it!
    I 100% get where you’re coming from but we purposefully keep it shush so it still feels like a good solo mission! We have very different watching habits but the nearest we get to wank discussions (wancussions!?) is to recommend porn stars to one another.
    The cycle can definitely become skewed but we tend to have a similar routine and a similar sex drive so we’re usually luckily in sync…!

  • Kitty says:

    Surely that’s just a communication issue?

    “I’m going for a wank… Come watch if you want.”

    “I’m going for a wank… Leave me the fuck alone for a bit please.”

    “I’m going for a wank… Come sit on my face if you’d like.”

    All of which, of course, are totally valid sentiments.

  • Phillip says:

    I have nothing to offer and that is the problem.


  • Sarah says:

    I had an ex that swore he didn’t wank until he was 19, and very rarely ever bothered. This should have been my first clue we were sexually mismatched! I’ve done it as long as I can remember, and I’ve probably only spent at most 6 months without a sexual partner since age 16. Therefore, I have always wanked when in a relationship, and probably more so than when single. Basically, the more orgasms I have, the more I want… So if there was little chance of partnered sex happening, I’d lose some interest in wanking because it was just going to rile me up to want sex!

    Even now that I’m polyamorous and have multiple sexual partners, I still like a wank, and they all like hearing about it.

  • Chris says:

    Really well written! My partner used to have a lot of issues with this due to previous experiences, and I feel like reading something like this would have helped a lot early on!

  • fuzzy says:

    A lovely and yes, charming post. Thank you Danielle H and thank you GOTN.

    One of my favorite scenes: I sit comfortably on a cushion/mat/blanket on the floor upright with my legs spread, and my back against something solid. my partner sits between my legs and leans against me; we are facing a large mirror. She wanks, all I do is hold her and perhaps touch/stroke her skin as and where she requests. Take your time and relax, don’t even have orgasm(s) as a goal, treat it as just intimate play. If you want to reverse the process, or even have sex afterward, then take a break to reset so this thing remains its own. Blessed be.

  • Lola says:

    Thanks for the article. I regularly jill it, alone or with him/for him. He is only allowed to wank in my presence or on very special occasions (like a long business trip, but then, only to my photos). We both enjoy it.

  • LXC says:

    Still don’t understand this attitude. No lady I’ve known would sit reading in one room while some perfectly good cock (and sperm) was going to waste in the next room. And if we had to be separated for a few days, she would insist on first draining her man because otherwise “some other girl will help herself to this”.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Please do not fall off your chair in shock when I let you in on this secret but… not everyone is the same. Not everyone will enjoy the same things you (or the women you know) do. It is perfectly possible to have a happy life and enjoy *both* solo masturbation *and* masturbation as part of sex play. Also some women are not interested in cock.

  • Esk says:

    Can anyone relate to the annoyance of a vibrating bed because of a wanking partner? I almost feel like a cartoon character, slowly vibrating of the bed and then looking down at the bedroom floor just before I plummet down.
    P.s. I don’t literally plummet down, that’s just what it feels like, and we’ve had conversations about this and agreed that freedom to wank is more important (be it a morning wank or a late night moanfest with doxy rumbling between my legs)
    P.p.s. My solution is lying on the edge of the bed because the vibrations are less intense, and you also just get used to it and I often sleep through it nowadays

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