This week’s guest blog is a celebration of my favourite topic: wanking. Danielle H is here to smash a few bizarre notions about masturbating while in a relationship, and explain how wanking – and talking openly about it – brought her closer to her husband. Read it, nod vigorously, share it, then have a wank.
Wanking brought me closer to my husband
I love to wank: it’s the ultimate and most literal form of self-love. It’s also something nearly everyone does but not many people seem able to talk about. Despite me being willing to put money that the vast majority of people do it a lot, there’s a taboo attached which means everyone has to pretend they don’t: especially women, and especially people in relationships.
Well, I’m a woman in a relationship who wanks. A lot. And talking about it with my partner was one of the best things we could have done.
Before we got together, I had serious relationships, and I’d talked about my sexuality, but never felt confident enough to discuss masturbation, despite being hypersexual. I would feel like I had to sneak off at night and do it quickly and then pretend that I wasn’t aware that my partner did the same. It was weird, but unfortunately that method seems to be the norm.
Masturbating in a relationship
I remember being in school and a friend telling me that her mum and stepdad had had the biggest row ever and it might be over between them, and do you know why? It was because she’d caught him watching porn and masturbating. Even at the time I remember thinking ‘So?’
If I didn’t talk about wanking with my ex-partners it was more because I felt I didn’t want to embarrass them by asking them to discuss their private habits, and it blew my mind that a relationship could be threatened because someone was so wrapped up in the erroneous idea that no one masturbates in relationships. In fact, I don’t even think that it was erroneous thinking; I believe it was good old society doing its stuff to warp logic again.
If I’m in a relationship and my partner looks lustfully after Kim Kardashian, I don’t see how I can get mad because a: I’m looking too, b: I’m not conceited enough to think I look as amazing as Kim Kardashian, and furthermore c: everyone has eyes. If someone’s attractive then it’s human nature to look at them; and to expect people in relationships to become suddenly blind is putting undue and unnatural pressure on them and on the relationship.
Same with masturbation: it’s natural and to expect someone to stop doing something natural just because they’re in a relationship is putting that same pressure on everyone involved. So I decided, with age and experience, to be more open about the subject if and when it came up. About six months into my current relationship it came up.
Can I be with you and still wank?
My partner was upset, withdrawn, seemingly torn about something, and after much cajoling I managed to get it out of him: he was in love with me and wanted to marry me but he still wanted to wank so it must mean he had to leave and live alone. It sounds cruel but I laughed, only because it was so much the opposite. He had become victim to the idea that you go blind to beauty when you’re in love and that people in relationships didn’t wank. So I explained that I did so daily, that I would prefer to be open about it and that in my eyes if either of us wanted to do so at any point in the day we could just announce that we were off to masturbate and that we’d be back when done.
It was like a revelation; to him because he hadn’t realised it could even be discussed let alone be free of judgement, and for me because it was so freeing to have it out on the table. There were two rules: we wouldn’t ask what the other person had watched / imagined etc (private time is private), and we wouldn’t use it in anger as a way to hurt the other.
One year later we got married, and it’s the most easy-going and honest relationship I’ve ever experienced. I feel like I’m utterly myself, no exceptions, and we both agree that we would advocate that wanking conversation to anyone. It’s also had the pleasant but unexpected benefit of us both agreeing we’re much less inclined to cheat because we’re less frustrated and more free to experience natural lust for the other beautiful humans that populate the world.
Masturbation is natural, not to mention amazing, and you don’t have to sacrifice it for anyone. Have the conversation, have a laugh, set some basic rules if need be, and enjoy the freedom of being able to stand up, kiss your partner on the nose, and say:
“I’m just going for a wank, back in a bit!”
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