“Who’s this?” I ask him, hand shaking as I hold the phone, complete with text that I definitely wish I hadn’t read. It’s the first time in my life that I realise I’m jealous. Until then I had never expected to be. He shakes his head in reply, mumbles, and tells me that he fucked her.

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Thanks to a previous guest blogger, we’ve already been introduced to the unique hotness and challenge of fucking on a narrowboat. This week’s guest blogger – @pervy_thoughts – would like to introduce you to a new sex challenge: fucking in a fifth wheel. What is a fifth wheel? I’ll let him explain…

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Oh happy day! I have acquired the greatest thing! It is amazing and sexy and it lives in my house now, and never again shall I forget how much it means to me! After a suspiciously successful visit to Ikea I now have the best bed for sex – a metal framed one with a headboard – that I can hook my toes behind while I get vigorously fucked.

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Kinky sex very rarely just ‘happens.’ It takes planning and preparation and time and conversation and all that other stuff. Even in a relationship where you know you’re both keen to do it, it can be weirdly difficult to set aside time to turn off Netflix and indulge in the kind of fucking you can reminisce about for weeks to come. Recently someone asked me for some tips on how to plan and initiate kinky sex, so for what it’s worth, here’s how I make sure I’ve got a regular serving of dick in my diary.

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When my partner is sad, he wilts like a plant. I can sometimes tell he’s sad, despite him putting in his best efforts to try and make me think he’s fine, and for a long time I struggled with knowing how to cheer him up. The kind words and reassurances and ‘I love you’s that usually work on me have very little effect on him. But I think I’ve cracked it now – the closest I can come to a ‘cheat code’ for love. His ‘love language’: cuddles.

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