What I’m looking for in a vibrator depends very much on my current state of mind. Sometimes I’m after a vigorously efficient orgasm that rockets into my life and makes me feel like I’ve been run over by a sexy freight train – during those times I’d reach for my Doxy. If what I’m looking for instead is a precision wank, where all the pleasure is directed to exactly the right spot on my clit, concentrated and magnified like a shaft of sunlight that eventually bursts into flame: Zumio. If I need something guaranteed to make me come nice and hard around a dick I’m fucking, the vibe I’ll slip into my lover’s hand then press tightly against my clit is the Hot Octopuss Amo. Unfortunately for the great people at We-Vibe, when they sent me the brand new Nova 2, what I was looking for in a vibrator was something that could help me forget that I just broke up with the man I love, in the middle of a pandemic, financially fucking myself over and effectively ripping out my own heart. It had – to put it mildly – one hell of a job to do.
This is the sort of review that will either bring me retweets or make one of my sponsor companies angry. Possibly both. But as you join me in enjoying this genuinely delightful vibrator and simultaneously sifting through the wreckage that is my life, remember that it’s my job to be emotional in public for your entertainment. Sadness makes good content, and I’m not looking for sympathy: I want shares and clicks and retweets.
To begin: things in my life are fractious right now. There’s a very recent trauma that I still haven’t managed to process, but which I relive on a regular basis as I regain contact with friends and they ask me ‘mate, what’s up?’ Then there’s the world which – let’s face it – is a shitshow. And now… now? I have split up with my other half and hurled myself into a maelstrom of financial and emotional uncertainty at a time when what I need above all else is a regular stream of income (and a hug).
Enter the We-Vibe Nova 2. A vibrator that retails for £129 (€149 or $149 in the US).
Apologies in advance to the lovely folks at We-Vibe, who sponsor my site and asked me to write this long before I realised I’d be such a fucking mess. They don’t deserve this. Their excellent new rabbit vibrator does not deserve this. But this is the only thing I can write right now, and besides: who among us deserved anything 2020 had in store?
Join me as I test out this newly-launched sex toy, and see if it can take my mind off heartbreak, achieving what even gin and showtunes cannot.
What is the We-Vibe Nova 2 and why did I do this to myself?
The We-Vibe Nova 2 is a rabbit vibe, which means there’s a bit that goes inside you and a bit designed to sit outside on your clit, but this one’s different to many I’ve tried in the past during my quest for great rabbit vibrators. The main body of the vibe is designed to be super flexible, so you can angle and bend it to suit your shape, and is firm enough that – unlike some other toys which try to do this – it doesn’t immediately lose that shape when you crush it with your cunt. It also has a delightfully springy arm on the clitoral stimulator, so it can flex back and forth, meaning you get constant clitoral contact rather than having it sometimes on your clit and sometimes jabbing you in the pubic mound. It is made of soft, silky, dark pink silicone and have I ever told you how pretty my ex’s eyes were?
The first time I try out this vibe, I’m camped out in the spare room. It’s just before the end, during the time when I’d wake up in the morning and worry about the first time our eyes met over coffee. I’d already charged the We-Vibe Nova 2, so when I snuck off to the spare room to spit on it and shove it inside me, I did so in the manner of someone greedy for distraction.
Something in my heart was clearly looking for unpredictability: I eschewed the security and comfort of ‘turning it up to constant vibration on max’ – my usual go-to setting – and instead scrolled manically through the patterns until I found one which gave me the whimsical, volatile stimulation I craved. Unable to conjure the fantasies that would usually accompany a wank, I stuck to functional, quick, delicious strokes in and out in the hope that pure physical sensations might be enough to tip me over the edge.
They did. It’s a very good vibrator.
And we could stop this review there were it not for the fact that even as I came, my heart hurt. The dragging, churning ache that radiated in rolling waves from my chest down to my stomach. It’s a very good vibrator, but it had to do better than that.
It comes with free lube and that’s great cos I have no idea how to pay the bills now
All mod cons, this one: magnetic USB charging, made of body-safe silicone, and comes with a silky storage pouch and a free packet of Pjur lube if you don’t happen to be lazy like myself and just use spit. Frankly, I am too relieved that this vibe is actually good to go into lots of detail about its features. It’s waterproof, though, which is great, because tonight I’m planning to take it for a crywank in the bath.
It was the right decision, friends. I know it was the right decision and there could be no other. But that doesn’t mean I’m not afraid – I upended my life in the middle of a pandemic and I do not have the income to pay the bills. Luckily, We-Vibe provided me with the Nova 2 for free, so at the very least I can wank my way through the next couple of weeks until the panic starts to fade and my heart stops threatening to pound its way out of my chest.
It comes with an app.
For a heart-stopping moment, when I download the app, Apple tells me ‘payment processed’ and I nearly puke. But it’s OK, the app is free: that message is just a quirk of the App Store. I can’t blame We-Vibe any more than I can blame them for their welcome message: ‘Connect to partner.’
I rarely ever say this about a sex toy app, but it’s genuinely easy to use. A split screen shows you the vibrations and allows you to control each motor individually – top for the deliciously thuddy clitoral arm, bottom for the less-thuddy-but-still-satisfyingly-intense main body of the toy. You can change the vibration settings by swiping up and down, allowing you to control each arm of the toy individually. You can do it for standard vibrations like the ones I used to enjoy on an Atom Plus cock ring while my now-ex-boyfriend was fucking me, or for patterns like I’m using right this moment.
Delicious, unpredictable, edgy, life-affirming patterns.
The app (a nice added extra, but not compulsory to use as the toy can also just be controlled with the buttons) would be super-useful if you wanted to fuck someone over a distance: connect with them while you’re locked down, or shielding, or yearning for them late at night when darkness makes you you forget all the bad things and remember only the happy ones. I haven’t used it this way, though, so you’ll have to imagine for yourself. Instead I will tell you how I used it this afternoon, when polishing off this poor excuse for a review and praying it won’t make my new site sponsors despise me.
We-Vibe Nova 2 has the power to wrench a fuck out of a woman who has none left to give
For me, the best thing about the We-Vibe Nova 2 is the clit stimulator. Not only is it thuddy, as I’ve mentioned, packing heft where so many other rabbit vibes fall down, it’s also flexible. I know what you’re thinking: ‘flexible? When sex toys say that usually what they mean is the bloody thing can’t get a decent pressure on your clit and you’re left squirming and frustrated.’ I thought that too, until I tried it. The curve of the clitoral arm is more dramatic than on other rabbit vibes I’ve tried, and the silicone has just the right level of firm springiness, which means once you’ve got it positioned in the right place it delivers targeted sensations which thud deliciously into your clit, and even when I change the angle of the toy, the clitoral arm remains firmly pressed against me.
I fuck myself with it, in and out, sliding the internal arm against my g-spot and the clitoral one up and down at the top of my slit, just to the left of my clitoris in the sweet spot – the one I’ll have to teach another man to find one day quite soon. Oh God I really, truly can’t be arsed.
I use the buttons on the We-Vibe Nova 2’s ergonomic handle to increase the intensity of the clitoral arm, begging more thuddiness to drown out the thoughts in my head. While we’re talking ‘drowned out’, I can honestly say that this is a pretty quiet sex toy. I know some people care about these things, but I never have until now: who cares if my Doxy shakes the walls or my Cowgirl thumps the floorboards? There was no one in this house but me and him, and we both know that I’m horny. Now, though, despite him being kind and offering me welcome breathing room so we can work out what to do with this house that we own together and the mortgage that I cannot pay alone, I’m pondering where I might live, and with whom, so I’ll have to start caring about decibels as well as delight. Lucky for me, then, that this vibe is very quiet.
It’s quiet as I lie on my back and conjure images of faceless men taking it in turns to fuck me. Powerful as I close my eyes and try to block out memories of fucks both past and planned-for-future. Ergonomic and sleek and luxurious as it starts to build those waves of physical pleasure which will eventually push me over the edge and into delightful oblivion.
The We-Vibe Nova 2 is a very good vibrator. Not just because of its features or its app or any of the bells and whistles (although they’re brilliant), it’s a good vibrator because these things in combination worked in a direct, inevitable, physical sense: distracting me with pleasure, exactly as I needed, regardless of what was happening inside my head. The We-Vibe Nova 2 grabbed me by the cunt with twin-arms and thuddy power, and dumped me efficiently over the edge of the orgasmic cliff into blankness and blissful calm.
It’s good because for two or three seconds, when I held the We-Vibe Nova 2 in my right hand, gripping one of my nipples with the fingers of my left, hearing the men in my head grunt as they dumped load after load of spunk deep into my lubed-up, willing ass, I genuinely believe I temporarily forgot the pain. I wasn’t thinking about the panic or the terror or the heartbreak: the waves in my chest stopped crashing, and diverted to my eager cunt instead.
I know this because when the stars faded from my vision and I returned to staring at the ceiling of the spare room, the horror all came crashing back, and I was grateful to have bought myself those four or five seconds of peace.
The We-Vibe Nova 2 is a very good vibrator.
Now time for that crywank in the bath.
If you’re in the market for a new rabbit vibe, I genuinely recommend this with all my heart, especially because it’s a bargain at the moment: you can grab the We-Vibe Nova 2 for £129/€149/$149. Huge thanks to the lovely folks at We-Vibe for letting me test out the brand new We-Vibe Nova 2, and for sponsoring my website. I say they don’t deserve a review like this, but I know this kind of post is far more interesting for readers than a dry run-down of features and me giving it marks out of ten, so I think in the long run it’s worth it. Share this post and prove me right, even if you just want to marvel at how fucked up I am willing to be in public to garner your retweets.