What I’m looking for in a vibrator depends very much on my current state of mind. Sometimes I’m after a vigorously efficient orgasm that rockets into my life and makes me feel like I’ve been run over by a sexy freight train – during those times I’d reach for my Doxy. If what I’m looking for instead is a precision wank, where all the pleasure is directed to exactly the right spot on my clit, concentrated and magnified like a shaft of sunlight that eventually bursts into flame: Zumio. If I need something guaranteed to make me come nice and hard around a dick I’m fucking, the vibe I’ll slip into my lover’s hand then press tightly against my clit is the Hot Octopuss Amo. Unfortunately for the great people at We-Vibe, when they sent me the brand new Nova 2, what I was looking for in a vibrator was something that could help me forget that I just broke up with the man I love, in the middle of a pandemic, financially fucking myself over and effectively ripping out my own heart. It had – to put it mildly – one hell of a job to do.

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This fantastic masturbation voyeur story is written by Quinn Rhodes, and originally appeared on hir website. A quick and important note from hir before we begin… “Writing this actually challenged me more than I expected it to, and it’s a little more cisnormative than I would like my filth to be. For the record, not only folks with dicks are guys, and not only men have dicks. I also realised that writing this kind of scene is very different from experiencing this sort of pervy voyeurism, so I’m open to invitations from anyone organising a cock-stroking and cocktails party.”

Your invitation gives you a time, an address, and invites you to a night of debauchery where you can ‘watch cocks being stroked while you sip cocktails’. Upon arrival, the invitation grants you admission to a narrow ballroom – or possibly a conference room – with a well-stocked bar on one side and a long two-way mirror down the other.

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This job isn’t all wanking and audio porn – sometimes it involves a lot of boring admin. But one of the nice things about it is that even on the dullest of days, when I’m buried in spreadsheets and invoices, I can receive two incredible messages barely an hour apart from men telling me how fun it is to watch their jizz bounce on the vibrating pad of a sex toy. One was via DM from the lovely CJBrook_, who (correctly) surmised I might be interested in ‘what effect the inside vibrating pad has on a load of spunk’, and the other came in this glorious review. If you’re curious about dick vibrations, and specifically the unique, thrumming intensity of the Hot Octopuss Pulse Solo Essential (keyword for Google – did you spot it?), then I hope you enjoy this delightfully fun account of my anonymous guest blogger’s first ever Pulse wank.

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This post has been writing itself in my head for approximately six years – ever since I got my hands on my first ever Doxy. Back then it was called a ‘Doxy Massager’ and the packaging it came in was delightfully coy, as if this toy would be used to massage anything other than one’s sexy bits. Since then it has become a bit of a sex toy sensation, and is thankfully now sold under the slogan ‘Let’s get it on’ so there is no doubt about the fact that this toy fucks. To celebrate the launch of their latest model – the first ever cordless Doxy 3 rechargeable (which is brilliant), I thought I’d finally finish the guide I’ve been writing in my head ever since I got my hands on the first one. Here’s a bunch of different ways you can wank with a Doxy.

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There’s something intensely and deliciously powerful about grinding on someone’s cock. Not bouncing up and down like I’m performing a sweaty porn workout, but grinding. Getting properly stuck in to the sensations of wet flesh pressed tight against my clit. Lovely. Today I’m going to talk about grinding, in the context of a sex toy that’s designed for exactly that: the Hot Octopuss Pulse Duo Lux.

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