Why I love dick toys even though I have no dick

From left to right: Tenga Flip Hole Zero EV, Tenga Flex, Tenga 3D spiral, Tenga original vacuum cup (still in its packaging), Tenga Air Tech strong (unwrapped)

What’s that?

It’s a present.

For who?

For your dick.

Today I want to talk about the Tenga Flip Hole Zero EV – far too long a name for a really awesome thing. But this isn’t really a post about the Tenga Flip Zero EV: it is a love letter to dick toys. An explanation of why I love them even though I don’t have a dick myself. And above all it’s a detailed account of why it is so hot to watch my boyfriend spunk into a tube of squishy plastic.

OK look, fundamentally the idea of watching someone spunk into a tube doesn’t sound very hot. If I write it down in its boring biological detail like that, it sounds functional. Almost medical. But the same is true of most sexy stuff. I could put your penis in my mouth, lubricate it with saliva, and perform a simple head-bobbing motion to induce you to climax or… I could open my mouth and look at you with wet, blow-job eyes while I suck you to the brink of orgasm, over and over, until eventually I let you spill over the edge, squirting hard and hot down the back of my throat. See? It’s a matter of presentation. It’s a matter of selling.

And there’s one sexy thing that I don’t think has been sold hard enough to people like me: dick toys.

Dick toys aren’t just for dicks

I’ve done articles about male sex toys before (though the term ‘male sex toys’ isn’t one I particularly like – for reasons explained at that link) and usually the focus has been on encouraging people who have dicks to give them a go. They’re soft, squishy places to put your penis, and there are super-cheap options on the market, so you can try out a masturbation sheath for very little money and see if it’s something you like.

So far, so easy.

But I recently did a radio interview about dick toys, and one of the questions the presenter asked was about the worry that toys might ‘replace’ someone. It’s an old story that I heard ten years ago in relation to vibrators and dildos: the idea that these might ‘replace’ my boyfriend in the bedroom, or that he would feel inadequate when this shiny new toy comes in to do everything he can do but better.

It’s mostly a pile of toss: sex toys are no more going to replace you in the bedroom than a microwave will replace you in the kitchen. But there’s a grain of truth in the idea that sex toys are an improvement: dick toys can help you do some things more effectively. Using a dick toy is like giving a hand-job with superpowers. Because let’s face it, hand jobs are a fairly tricky sexual act. You’re wanking someone off when they have been honing their skills all their life and will inevitably do it better than you. So grabbing a masturbation sheath gives you a level-up and the opportunity to show them a whole different kind of sensation. 

But this sex toy is not there to replace you. It’s not an ‘upgrade’ to you as a person: it’s a tool for you to use.

It’s a present for your dick

This week quite a few dick-related presents have arrived chez GOTN. I have the Tenga Flip Zero EV (seriously, I am going to call this the Tenga EV from now on because I’ve already had my fill of extra characters this week thanks to Twitter), and I also have a couple of other cool things which I’ll fill you in on in later blog posts. But for now I want to talk about presents for his dick.

There’s a specific kind of excitement that comes from trying a new sex toy out on him. We have had a fair few ‘firsts’ together: his first threesome, my first time with a spreader bar… He was even the first guy I ever used a masturbation sheath on: so successfully that he spaffed straight through the hole at the end of it and all over one of my favourite tops. But as a general rule in a long-term relationship your ‘firsts’ are few and far between. You do the same things over and over, and sometimes you do similar things, but rarely do you ever get to pull out a brand new trick.

Dick toys, though, make each new hand job feel like a ‘first’ for both of us. There are so many different kinds of masturbator, each with a different internal texture or shape. My personal favourites are those which don’t look biological, and that’s one of the reasons why I love Tenga stuff so much: they make things with weird patterns and cool designs that don’t try to mimic the human body. I prefer this with my own toys too: dildos that come in pretty colours rather than flesh tones. To me, this highlights the fact that the toys are tools to use rather than replacements for human body parts, but if you prefer the other then go for them instead. Whatever you like, I can promise you there are hundreds upon hundreds of different masturbation sheaths out there: you’re bound to find one that you think looks pretty.

By ‘you’ here, I’m not talking about the people who will be on the receiving end of these dick presents. I’m talking about you – hypothetical person who is a little bit nervous about using masturbation sheaths on your partner. I’m not writing this to coerce you into doing something you feel uncomfortable with: I’m writing it because this stuff gives me so much unrestrained joy that I’d love to be able to share it with those of you who’d like to try.

When it comes to masturbation sheaths, I tend to pick them – he just lies back and lets me use them on his cock. This isn’t just for boring, practical reasons (I’m the sex blogger, so usually it’s a question of me asking PR people for things I think might be interesting), it’s also because we both like the surprise factor. He likes coming home to find a new dick present waiting, and I like the feeling of introducing him to something. I like feeling like the distributor of sexy wanks – a personal shopper for his penis.

So if you’re worried about being ‘replaced’ or usurped by one of these toys, the best advice I can give you is: get stuck in. Take control. Revel in the absolute joy of being able to say ‘I’ve got a present, and it’s for your dick, now lie back and relax while I work some fucking magic.’

Vibrations on your cock

Having (hopefully) persuaded you of the joys of masturbation sheaths, it’s now time to try and sell you on the idea of a masturbation sheath that has two powerful vibration motors embedded inside it. This is quite a tricky task, because the toy in question – the Tenga EV – is expensive. If you weren’t up to speed on wank sheaths already, you’re unlikely to drop £200 on what is essentially the Rolls Royce of the genre. But that doesn’t matter to me, to be honest. If you fancy buying one, please do: it’s fab. But if you don’t fancy buying one, then hey! Tenga has a really amazing range of cheaper toys that you can grab to get started.

My partner had been staring at this and making pointed ‘when can we try it?’ noises ever since I picked it up. The box sat on the side, absorbing his longing stares, while I spent a few days being too anxious and tired to even think about sex. That’s the other good thing about dick toys: sometimes I can’t gear my body up for a full-on fuck, but if I’ve got a box of tricks I can still enjoy some of my favourite parts. Specifically using my hands to make him make hot moaning noises, and watching his sexy face as he comes.

I got him to settle down on the sofa, then sucked him hard and lubed him up. This all sounds very practical, not very sexy, and in a way it was: for the first few minutes when I use a new sex toy I usually feel more like a scientist than a seductress. The way I can tell if it’s a good sex toy is if I find myself switching easily into the seductress role.

And so I could.

As soon as I slid this down over him, he sucked in his breath and bit his lip. He knows what these things feel like by now – we’ve spent too many long evenings playing Cock Hero with this or that dick sheath – but this one even took him by surprise. The soft inside feels lovely, and comes with a veritable obstacle-course of internal textures, but the fact that it also contains two vibrating motors is what sets it apart. The powerful vibrations make it feel, to him, like the fucks we have with u-shaped vibrators (like the We-Vibe Sync, though I can’t remember the name of the one we actually have), that sit part-inside and part-outside my vagina. They vibrate the whole of my cunt so well that the first time we used one I didn’t even get a chance to build up before he was coming.

Luckily with a dick toy, it’s all about him. So, once we’d done the initial ‘holy shit that feels good’ test of the vibrations, having wiped off my lube-slathered hands on a towel, I got to work properly. Slow, deliberate strokes are best with something like this – at least to start. Because the motors inside vibrate, if I slide up and down too quickly he misses out on the sensations created by the different patterns of vibration. We worked our way through the different modes – low, high, pulse, alternating (where each of the motors takes it in turns to vibrate), and random (AKA the best one) – and as we did he’d interject little tips and hints.

“Hold it just like that. Squeeze it tighter here. Slide it slowly.”

And honestly, I almost did an old-fashioned swoon right there as I knelt on the floor in front of him. There’s a dominance involved in hand job instruction which presses all of my buttons. It’s all the hotness of a teacher you fancy, plus the added bonus that what he’s teaching me about is his dick. Even better is that as the experience goes on, he finds it more and more difficult to articulate himself properly. What began as specific detail turns into ‘yeah’s and ‘oooh’s and the occasional grunt in the back of his throat. He is teaching me how to make him feel good, and I’m such a good student he’s lost the ability to continue the lesson.

And as for me? I feel like a fucking God. I get to be the one who is doing this to him: I provided the dick toy, I charged it up, I used it on him. I’m the one with my hands wrapped around it, twisting and pulling and sliding and adding lube. I’m the person who is making these noises come out of his mouth. The one who’s turned him from dominant instructor to trembling wreck in less than a few minutes.

Best of all, I’m the one he looks at, with heavy-lidded eyes, as he murmurs ‘Do you want to watch me come in this?’

That line: perfect, I’m telling you. More than enough to make my knickers wet, and stay with me all through the evening and the next day. Later, when he wraps his arms around me at bedtime, all I can picture is his face at the point of climax, and how his dick twitched as he poured spunk into this brand new toy. This thing that is both a present for him and a present for me.

This thing which is not his but ours.

So you can see, I hope, why I get so frustrated with the idea that I should be wary of dick toys. That they’re designed to replicate the way my cunt feels, or aimed at pushing me out of the bedroom altogether. These things aren’t there to replace me: they’re there to bring me joy.

Because it’s my joy as much as his: my voyeuristic, horny love of watching him get pleasure.

And the narcissistic urge to be the one who gives it to him.

If you fancy buying the Tenga EV, please do: it’s fucking marvellous, like so much other Tenga stuff. But I’m not here to persuade you to get this specific sex toy. I just wanted to give you a window into why new dick toys make me so happy, and hopefully encourage a few of you to try using them on your partner. If you’re after starter toys then the Tenga eggs have lovely squishy textures, or my personal favourites are the Air-Tech toys. The Flex is also great and I particularly love the mathematical designs on the 3D range. 

Tenga gave me this toy for free, but there wasn’t an obligation to write about it: I just wanted to write about it because it’s weird that I haven’t done a love letter to Tenga yet, given that they make so many of the dick toys I love the most. 

If you want to buy some Tenga dick toys and support my site at the same time, head to Kinkystreet (one of my advertisers) and use the code GOTN15 for 15% off. This is one of my favourites but they have a bunch of Tenga stuff if you search for the brand on their site. 


  • smurphboy says:

    I have to agree. Very few things are better than someone using one of these things on your dick. Giving up control to that most personalised of experiences, a wank. Everybody does it differently, and having a tool to change it up is like giving a piccolo player access to the whole orchestra.

    I’m off to conduct a symphony. Simon Rattle never needs wet wipes afterwards, does he?

  • The Quiet One says:

    Can you clean it though?

    • Girl on the net says:

      Yep! The Tenga flip toys flip open to make them easy to clean – all other toys can be cleaned by flipping them inside out

      • The Quiet One says:

        Nifty! I wish I had a willing volunteer to try one on! :D
        Do you think it’s a first date kind of thing, or should I wait a bit? lol

        • tk says:

          Tenga offers many cheap and disposable penis toys that may be a good choice for a first date adventure (or an one-night-stand). Consider Tenga Eggs, Tenga Original Vacuum Cup, etc. Disposable toys are a good choice for a first date for hygiene reasons.

          I would freak out when receiving a Tenga Flip Zero EV as a gift on a first date. The price range is way-way above what I’d consider to be reasonable for first dates.

          • Girl on the net says:

            Ha! Yes, definitely a bit much for a first date. But the eggs are *perfect* for first dates as they’re fairly cheap and they’re disposable (well, actually you can use them more than once if you’re careful, but they were originally designed to be cheap enough that it wouldn’t be wildly expensive to have them as one-use items).

  • Tom F says:

    I wish I hadn’t thrown away my last fleshlight, I’ve been sanding down the walls and my hands are rough and horrible.

  • Kitty says:

    So, ok. I’m raising this as I know you’re a cunning linguist when it comes to language. You’ve waxed lyrical about come vs cum, cunt etc many times before.

    It’s a great review, but I can’t help but find myself tripping over “dick toy.” It’s like, I dunno, reading a vibrator review which refers to it as a “fanny fiddler” on something. It just sounds… I dunno, a little purile maybe? And I appreciate i’m bringing problems rather than solutions as I don’t have a good alternative, but I’m hoping maybe to throw it open to debate in the comments?

    I think perhaps it’s symptomatic of a broader issue around the acceptance of male sex toys. Say you have a dildo or a vibrator, most modern people wouldn’t blink at the idea (at least, one would hope), it’s been normalised. But say you’ve got a… gods I don’t even know what to call it, a sheath, and the general reaction might be less favourable. I once saw a lass on the Tube reading 50 Shades, no-one gave a shit, but if it was a bloke with a copy of Playboy someone would’ve alerted the authorities. We need to work on terminology I think, to help bring these things into the acceptable mainstream.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ooh interesting! Yes I’m with you that it’d be good to find some sexier words for this stuff. To start, I’ll be up front and say that to me ‘dick toy’ doesn’t have those connotations – it’s sexy to me (I like the word dick) and it’s what I’d use if I were talking to my partner about them (“go get the dick toys, I want to play with you.”). The only other alternative I tend to use in a sex context would be the brand name (“I want to play with your dick – can I get lube and the new Tenga?”) and that’s probably not the greatest because it’s too specific to have that broader convo about the genre in general.

      When it comes to the genre in general, some terms I’ll reject (or only use with caution/further info) if they’re gendered (eg male sex toys) and some are right out because they actively turn me off (“pocket pussy”). Then there are the ones that are just too clunky for regular use throughout a piece that’s so focused on them (“sex toys for people with penises”).

      So in the middle of my like/dislike spectrum are things that are categories that kind of work:

      -masturbation sheath/sleeve
      -wanking sleeve/sheath

      If I had to pick from them I’d go with stroker but to be honest none of them have the playfully filthy directness of ‘dick toy’. I think also though, with more ‘stroker with added extras’ toys coming on the market (like the Tenga in this review) the word ‘stroker’ on its own is going to become a sub-category for the ones designed purely to stroke.

      So… yeah. I’m left with ‘dick toys’ but would love other thoughts on this! You’re right it’s a really interesting topic and if we want to get more people talking about it, it’s good to be aware of the kinds of language we’re using. I’ll be really interested to see how our conversation around this (and v possibly our terms) change in the next 10 years or so.

      • Kitty says:

        “Stroker” is good I think, that’s a solid shout. It has the same vibe (ho ho!) as “vibrator.” I can see that dropping into common parlance. “Hey, do you have a stroker?”

        Maybe my stumbling block isn’t “dick” but rather “toy”? I mean, having toys is cool and all, but if I asked you to crack out a cunt toy? “This isn’t a toy, it means fucking business.” Maybe. Or maybe I’m over-thinking this.

        The future is interesting, I think we’re forging new ground. I’d like to think that the next generation will look back at us and think “shit, how repressed were they?”

  • Kitty says:

    As for brand names,

    That in itself works I think. In so far as “fetch the Tenga” differentiates from other toys you may have. Maybe at some point there will be a dominance (cf. Hoover) where a brand becomes genericised?

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