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Vimphilia: a fetish for programmers

Listen up, people! I have googled around a bit and have been unable to find a word that sums up the level of knicker-moistening excitement that I experience when a gentleman lets me suck him off while he codes, so I invented one: Vimphilia.

Vim = That sexy black-box program used by lots of people who code, into which they type their mysterious combination of letters, brackets, and hilarious comments for future developers to puzzle over when they go back through the codebase.

Philia = A desire for something that causes my heart to beat faster, my knees to tremble, and my mouth to utter the words ‘please please please let me lick him all over.’

My programmer fetish

I’ve always had a thing for watching guys at a computer. It began with a healthy interest at University – staring at my boyfriend’s hunched shoulders as he speed-typed an essay on Wittgenstein. This blossomed into a few fantasies, in which I imagined him crooning ‘that’s it, you help me focus’ as I sucked him off under the desk.

Years later, and I’m fixated on giving guys head while they’re concentrating – Xbox blow jobs where the challenge is to get him to come without him putting down the control pad. But the pinnacle – the ultimate dizzying, pant-slicking height of my desire – is to suck a guy off while he codes. It hits the same buttons that fired in my brain when I was watching guys write essays, but with the added bonus of someone performing a skill that utterly baffles and confuses me.

The only possible thing that could be better would be for two guys to be involved. You see the video below? The people who made it think it is funny, but this is actual porn to me. When it originally came out I was sent the link by at least three of my close friends with subject headings ranging from: “did they make this for you?” to “I bet you’d like to be the meat in THAT sandwich.”

Yes. Yes I would.

What’s so hot about code?

I know I’m not the only one – there are plenty of people like me: yearning, code-loving groupies who’d pay good money just to sit next to a developer while they flip swiftly between different Vim screens. A large proportion of them, like me, would very much enjoy the opportunity to give head under the table while they casually write scripts or… whatever it is they do. I was going to throw in loads of hot language here about ‘compiling’ and ‘parsing’ but I can’t because I HAVE LITERALLY NO IDEA what any of it means. And for that I am delighted, because it retains its sexy mystery.

I think there I might have hit upon what’s so hot about it: I have no idea what it is. Skills are sexy, and someone with skills different to mine is particularly lust-worthy. And do you know what is ridiculous and unfair? Although Rule 34 states that “if something exists then porn of it also exists” I am yet to find a porn site dedicated to guys getting sucked off while they code. Or two people coding while one sits on the other’s lap. Or a woman coding while her assistant applies a Doxy to her genitals. I’ve tried to tip the balance with a short (and true) story below, but COME ON PORNOGRAPHERS: we need more videos of people writing code, while they’re naked from the waist down.

Giving blow jobs while he writes code

He’s sitting at my desk in his chair. He’s been there for an hour or so – typing things into the black boxes on what I now know is Vim. I’ve offered him a coffee but he’s not looking up. He’s focused, and calm, and in that zone where if I try to distract him with anything trivial he’s likely to cry out in anguish that his train of thought has been lost.

“Coffee?” No response.

“Blow job?” He stays silent. Without taking his eyes from the screen, he pushes the chair back slightly from the desk, and uses one hand to unzip his fly. I kneel down, and he slides the office chair forward ever so slightly, pushing his dick right to the back of my throat. I start sucking him with long, slow strokes, listening to the tap of his fingers on the keyboard.

I pull back, running the tip of my tongue around the head, spitting to make the skin soft and wet. Taking just the tip of him into my mouth, and out, and in again. He likes a slow build-up when he’s working and right now I’m nothing – unimportant compared to the focus and concentration. I like to think about him doing this at work. Imagine sneaking into the office behind him one day and installing myself under his desk, so that while he’s running through something particularly complex he can absent-mindedly push his cock further back into my throat. I want to sit behind him and squeeze his dick, so I can rub him while I watch him flick-flick-flick back and forth between terminals.

I’m wet, but I don’t want to fuck him. I’m enjoying this too much. If I pull my head back while I suck him off I can just about see his brow furrowed in concentration. I’m sure part of it is because I’m distracting, but I want to imagine that all of it is down to the achingly sexy problem-solving that’s going on inside his head. It’s these situations I imagine

And each and every fantasy ends in the same way: him grunting with satisfaction. It’s part satisfaction at finishing his work, and partly a sigh of release as he shoots hot come down the back of my throat. As I wipe my mouth and wriggle out from under the desk, he sits back to run tests.

Vimphilia

I know that to some of you this might sound incredibly odd. But others will (I hope) read this and think ‘OK, maybe I have the same thing.’ Well if you have, congratulations – you are not alone. For those of you saying ‘look, GOTN, this cannot possibly be a real ‘philia’ – you just happen to fancy a couple of people who happen to be programmers,’ to you I say this:

I read code blogs that I don’t understand, because it’s sexy just to hear people talk about it. I masturbated after I watched the video above (not directly to the video – my imagined version was far more explicit). I occasionally visit the github pages of dudes I fancy, and scroll through their commit notes. I literally just became wet at the phrase ‘commit notes’. Don’t tell me this isn’t a thing.

Google tells me that Vimphilia is not yet a word, and I haven’t yet found a word that describes what I’m talking about. But if you also go weak at the knees when you see a hot guy or girl frowning sexily over code, then I hope you’ll be delighted that there’s now a way to label it when you’re listing sexual proclivities on your internet dating profile. It’ll probably never get into the dictionary, but if it appears on one of those ‘top ten weird fetishes’ lists, then I think I can die happy.

Vimphilia (noun): sexual interest in the activity of programmers. Vimphiliacs often report sexual arousal when someone mentions a ‘Rails stack’ or a ‘pull request’, and seeking out partners who are fluent in languages such as php, Javascript and Ruby.

Not Python, though – I’m not a total pervert.

Edited to add

Thank you to all the glorious people who read this blog, then pointed me towards this. It’ll keep me going for quite some time.

65 Comments

  • pir says:

    Oh no. Emacs is so much more useful than vim… if I want a small editor then pure vi.

    (tongue firmly in cheek, plus: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Editor_war )

  • Pi314159 says:

    I entered “Vimphilia” and your description into the urban dictionary. It is currently undergoing peer review and they will email me shortly to let me know if the definition has been entered successfully! Fingers crossed =)

  • Oh hell yes. Love debs, coders, etc. as well as this same fantasy they always seem to be very good with their hands, such dexterous fingers. ;) Yum.

    If you’ll excuse me……I’ll be in my bunk. :D

  • BlogWars says:

    If I hadn’t previously read your other posts, taking this in isolation I would think that you were taking the piss!

    As a coder, I cannot see this ever happening to me or any other coders I know. I also find it extremely difficult to imagine anyone have the desires you describe about programmers, coding etc. However, what one person seems as ordinary can be another persons fetish – as is the case for you!

    Good use of the techie terms too by the way!

    • Jade says:

      I disagree I totally get this! The thought of sucking off a guy while he is totally emerged in something else is a huge turn on!!! Thought it was just me!

  • CN says:

    And what’s wrong with Python? The beauty of the object model, the expressiveness of iterators, the rich and robust standard library…

  • CN says:

    I mean, some might get annoyed by the forced use of whitespace to indicate scope, but the increase in readability is immense. And with the new just-in-time bytecode compilers its speed is just immense. Of course if you just want speed, node.js is the runtime to go for – yes, it’s prototypical rather than classical, and callback hell is a real risk, but in terms of pure requests-per-second throughput, it’s hard to beat.

    • While I agree with you in theory, I have a big problem with Python insofar as it isn’t BASIC, and I am incredibly biased because I never got any further than BASIC when I used to code – partly because I didn’t want to, but mostly because I didn’t need to for the sort of things I used to code.

      Why the comparison? I was taught Python recently at an evening course on account of the fact that the new ICT curriculum in schools is implementing coding as one of the things you have to teach. Most teachers don’t know how to code, and my mum (who’s a teacher) took me along for want of someone who knows what they’re doing.

      I casually asked the instructor why Python as opposed to BASIC – as far as I can see, most of the command keywords seemed to be the same (PRINT, INPUT, GOTO…), and there’s a line-by-line interface á la BASIC, which I slowly came to realise it may be easier to teach children anyway – I mean, not by much – but I’ve tried to teach 5-year-olds stuff before, and:

      PRINT “What the…?”

      is easier to remember than

      PRINT (“What the…?”)

      It’s small difference, but it counts – although from the point of view of a coder, I’m pretty sure you can do more with Python. Apparently there’s a new version of it designed specifically to be run on a Raspberry Pi, which (also) they are using in schools, so I hear.

      There isn’t really anything sexy in this comment, so I’ll just leave the image of 30 young teachers learning how to code at 7:30pm here and let you make of it what you will.

  • Nn says:

    Ahhh, boys who code! Boys who can launch into beautiful speeches about their favourite language and methodologies, who have spent hours doing glorious afterhours codework, who’s love for programming shines through their very being. Even though I do occasionally date nondevelopers, I don’t know if they can really compete with someone who can bend closer and, with a mischievous glint in their eye, tell you “So, this other night, I was playing with this new framework…”. (instant weakness in knees)

    Though I’m a fairly competent programmer myself, so it’s probably not so much a mystique issue (even as I am sometimes myself amazed at what exactly I can do with code). Might be a shared passion thing or general love of tech turning into a kink…

  • Mike says:

    What about machine code? That’s is as hardcore as it gets in programming languages:

    0008 D20B10108010
    0010 E2E4C3D240D4E840C3D6C3D2

    The above, although somewhat simplified, could be inserted into code in most airline reservations systems and come up with something more exotic than a request for a vegetarian meal (the long string is IBM EBCDIC and not that hard to decode — see http://www.longpelaexpertise.com/toolsCode.php).

    • Girl on the net says:

      I don’t understand and that link doesn’t go anywhere, but I hope it doesn’t delete air traffic control or anything.

      • Mike says:

        Link works for me. This is how it translates:

        Bytes: x” E2E4C3D240D4E840C3D6C3D2 ”
        ASCII String: âäÃÒ@Ôè@ÃÖÃÒ
        EBCDIC String: SUCK MY COCK

        Yes. Might not be a good surprise to spring on air traffic controllers.

    • woof says:

      That’s like raw-dogging a stripper from behind. You just don’t do that.

  • EuclideanPoint says:

    Yes, yes, yes! This is also a fetish of mine right from when I first watched Swordfish. I think it’s the baffling intelligence factor. You’re not alone.

  • Yingtai says:

    Yes yes yes to baffling intelligence factor! What better way to look up to a guy than to go down? Think of the other esoteric skills those deft hands of power might wield!

    My fetish for differently-intelligenced people is clearly not as specifically triggered as yours, but oh yes I’m with you. Gentlemen, we are out there. And we want to be down there. :)

  • images says:

    I frequently want to suck my man’s cock while he writes papers for his Master’s degree. Unfortunately, he writes in the living room where the family hangs out.
    Wouldn’t want to cause my kids to need therapy. Maybe I can get him to move to the bedroom to write…

  • Alistair says:

    Although the coding/hacking scenes in swordfish were ridiculous, that scene was quite fun. And the film has a TVR in it. Bonus! Seriously though, I had one girlfriend who might be classed as a Vimphiliac but sadly my wife is definitely not. Shame.

  • J. Constance says:

    I also have a major boner for language which I don’t understand; however, in my case, it’s related specifically to physics and medical jargon. Nothing sounds hotter to me than being banged while someone whispers in my ear about particle accelerators.

  • meringutan_ says:

    I’m a front-end dev and like many here, this has been a fantasy of mine since I saw Swordfish as a horny teen. I work at a standing desk, which would give really easy access for my partner to go to town without getting in my way. I love the idea of pushing an especially large commit on my master branch while coming up with a particularly efficient way to loop through a dataset or solve a complex problem with as few lines as possible…

  • She says:

    Tremendously turned on by men who code. Just.about.died reading this.

  • floatingvoter says:

    Is there a way we can tag this on OK Cupid so you ladies can find us? I’ve got a very tough algorithm to implement today and I’d probably need to be sucked off at least three times if I’m really going to get this done.

  • jnakabb says:

    OMFG – where have you/your sister/mother been for the last 25 years of my life (okay, only 20 of those using vi and variants) ?

  • Paul Crowley says:

    A journalist in a fetish club asked me what my job was. “Please don’t write one of those ‘by day, Paul is an ordinary computer programmer’ articles” I said. “What I do here is physically interact with people who are physically right there. At work, I build castles on clouds built on dizzying levels of abstraction. By any sane measure, what I do at work is much weirder than what I do here.”

  • Simon Gledhill says:

    Loved, loved, LOVED this and the python comment at the end just made me really LOL.

    Yours an ageing coder!

  • Cynical loner says:

    So in other words, you want to have sex with a guy that doesn’t even notice you while you’re sucking him?

    • Girl on the net says:

      No.

      • Cynical loner says:

        Seems like it to me…
        You’re just some idiot who writes crap like that in order to satisfy your male virgin fans.
        I remember the “sex with science geeks” crap you wrote for The Guardian. You’re just a moron who sells fantasies to male virgins.

        • Girl on the net says:

          Why read it then?

          • Cynical loner says:

            Why write it then?

          • Girl on the net says:

            I write this blog so I can talk about the things I love, and so that other people who love these things can chip in, and we can all spend a bit of time enjoying our fetishes and kinks and sexual desires and generally having a lovely time. That’s why I write it.

            Your comment, on the other hand, seems to serve no purpose whatsoever other than to give you an outlet for telling me that you don’t believe anything I write. Hence why I asked that vital question: why read it? If you don’t believe what I say and you think any given post is crap, you have a couple of options:

            1. Argue vehemently with me about my writing, spaffing your futile rage against the keyboard in the vain hope that you’ll get the last word against a complete stranger
            or 2. You can fuck off.

        • Gwizz says:

          You spelt loser wrong.

          • Cynical loner says:

            You’re a loser sitting behind a keyboard making fun of your “fans”, who are mainly 40 year old male virgins. You get a sarcastic kick out of knowing that there’s a socially inept moron somewhere fantasizing about you.

          • Girl on the net says:

            I’m sure the people who read my blog are delighted to have you in their corner.

  • Adam says:

    Not coding, but this is something I stumbled across about reading aloud plus a Hitachi. I think it’s amazing :)
    Hysterical Literature

  • naïve nerd says:

    As a coder I’ve always thought that telling women what I do for a living would make them glaze over in disinterest, in fact most have, sadly.
    This is one hot post though! I’ll definitely start letting my inner nerd out a bit more. Especially as it’s something I’ve fantasised about too. Though rather than being at home, mine involves working another stupidly long day in order to hit a deadline and one of the project managers getting bored and tipsy while I’m trying to close out bugs. One day perhaps….

  • theangelremiel says:

    Thank you, Cynical Loner. You have saved me and countless others from a lifetime of servitude to these terrible girls on their wicked nets. I tip my fedora to you, m’lord.

  • Daddy's princess says:

    I absolutely love all if your writing but this one stood out without a doubt!

    My boyfriend is a softwear engineer and spends hours tapping away behing his screen, it really is an art form that has a deep dark seduction to it. Very similar to the Xbox blow job!
    For me it’s the mystery and skill behind all those brackets and commands being so vigorously bashed into the keyboard with such speed and precision. Ughhh! :P

    • Cynical loner says:

      Sarcasm, I presume?

      • Daddy's princess says:

        No No! I’m serious!

        My boyfriend is a massive nerd and I’m just clueless to it all,
        I think there is just something so sexy to the passion behind it all.
        He will get so engrossed in coding and try to explain to me his frustration when something isn’t working but as I said I’m clueless so all I see is the passion in his eyes when he talks about something he loves and has put so much effort into!

        No sarcasm at all! I think passion is super sexy as well as the mystery behind all those commands and pings

  • Glod Glodsson says:

    GOTN, you may be well aware of it but Bacchus at Erosblog offers a Rule 34 search- example URLs for your chosen subject for a nominal fee. Not that I get paid anything, just thought you might like to try it!

  • Desire on wheels says:

    Oh is THAT why half the guys on OkCupid list Java and such in the Languages section!

  • Girl on the net says:

    OK, I’m a little bit unsober and probably no one will see this comment, BUT. Today I had an idea, and it involved a guy I fancy doing programming, but under the desk he’s hooked up to some kind of suction/masturbator thing. From outside he looks normal, but his dick is cradled tightly in this cock-milker. The faster he works (by whatever measure you use – ideally something that involves him typing lots of brackets or what have you), the faster the masturbator wanks him off. But, like, under the desk. SO. He works harder in an effort to chase that elusive hot orgasm. Hands moving faster, face contorted into horny urgency: you get the idea. He has to simultaneously concentrate on doing what he does well, and increase the pace so that his dick is soothed by the sweet, tight, wet awesomeness of the masturbator. Eventually, as he gets close, he picks up the pace just enough, and grunts a satisfied ‘ungh’ as he empties spunk into the tube.

    This would also work with simpler things like Tetris.

    Basically as long as he has to concentrate on a game/work task, I would like to watch.

    Like I say, I’m not sober as such. But is this a good idea? Because I *think* it might be the best thought I’ve ever had.

  • Dan says:

    Ha, this brought a smile to my face. I have encountered a similar thing with an ex of mine. She used to love doing this whilst I was zoned out, writing my dissertation at uni. I’m now an artist and prefer a bj whilst I’m painting my huge canvases..
    Artphilia I guess?! Great Blog as always…X

  • Just this guy, you know? says:

    “I’m going to bit shift this into your input stream, and then I’m going to make you cout ‘for more'” – a real thing I once said to a girl in bed (I’m a C++ programmer, so technically that’s correct – and cout isn’t a misspelling of ‘cry out’, although it is the output to console for C++… that’s assuming I’m using namespace std).

  • PhysicsLove says:

    My boyfriend is a physicist and he spends a lot of time typing things in to a computer that I don’t understand so this word makes perfect sense to me. He also occassionaly stands at a whiteboard and writes out complex maths. Hot as fuck.

  • Moose says:

    I’d like to recommend the film Hackers (1995). No scenes as explicit as Swordfish, but lots of tech terms and “tension” between the two hacker protagonists.

    Also it’s on Netflix right now

    • Girl on the net says:

      Haha I have seen Hackers! I’m afraid it wasn’t quite as hot as I hoped it would be, I think because so much of it tips over into ridiculous. But it’s a bit of a cult thing for my partner and his pals, so we watched it together one day – I did certainly *enjoy* it, just not in the biblical sense =)

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