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Guest blog: Hit me, but only when I tell you to

This week’s guest blog comes from the brilliant Broken Sub. Her blog is searingly honest, and combines some straightforward, fun sex blogging with some fascinating reflective posts on BDSM and her submission.
I don’t want to say too much by way of introduction, because I don’t want to detract from her own words, but I should warn you that the blog includes discussion of abuse. It’s also incredibly personal, and very thoughtful. If you want to find out more, please do check out her blog.

Hit Me, But Only When I Tell You To

Girl on the Net introduced me to the acceptability of blogging about sex, and particularly BDSM sex. So, I thought I’d write about how my life as a submissive is in conflict with my past, of sexual abuse.

I was abused from the age of 11 to 17, by a close family member. He was a lot taller than me, a lot larger than me, and a hell of a lot more powerful than I was, particularly as a small, 70 pound 11 year-old.

I was forced into submission, used as if I wasn’t a person, and unsurprisingly enough, it caused me a lot of problems, emotionally and mentally. I saw sex as unimportant, and so I slept with A LOT of people. I became a ‘slut’ in the eyes of society, because it was my way of coping.

This continued for a while, until things changed. I met someone. And everything became better. I met a man who learned my past, and didn’t run away, scared of the mess that I was. He was eager to try being a Dom, something he had never even considered in the past. And now? We are in a committed relationship, and I am a happy sub.

I don’t believe that my present submissive tendencies have anything to do with my past abuse. I love to feel small, when my partner stands over me, to give control to someone who uses it to make me feel good.

Why doesn’t this scare me?

I trust him. It is as simple as that. He knows my history, and he doesn’t let it stop him. When I talked to him about starting a BDSM lifestyle, he was unsure, simply because he had never done it before. He was the most enthusiastic beginner I have ever met. He was willing to test his limits constantly, always checking how I was feeling. He taught me new things about myself that I never knew, and, on the days that I reacted badly, he stopped immediately, and just held me, until the fear had passed. I adore him, and I know that this relationship works for us. He has discovered an incredibly dominating side to his personality that I’m not sure he knew existed before. And I get all the benefits!

Should I give a fuck about what society thinks?

Society always told me that, as a ‘survivor of sexual abuse’, I was supposed to be wary of entering into a sexual relationship, and that I would always have trust issues in my relationships. So, what would society think about the fact that I am now in a perfectly consensual submissive relationship? Society would tell me that I’m putting myself in a danger situation, one that could trigger all my past issues.

You know what? Since I entered this relationship, I have worked through so many of my issues. My partner has helped me cope with the fear, and learn to trust in people again. He taught me that I can allow myself to be submissive, and not constantly fear that I will be abused. The consensual power exchange in our relationship is the best choice I could have made. When I’m tied to the bed, and he stands over me with a riding crop (my current favourite), I don’t feel scared of him. Instead, I feel a wave of lust and arousal, and joy at my situation.

So, to those in my situation, or those who are considering a BDSM relationship, I say this. If you are in a loving relationship, and you trust your partner, give it a go. Do not let your past hold you back from having an amazing sex life!

5 Comments

  • Elphaba says:

    Wow. Thank you for being so frank about this. I am also a survivor of abuse (though nothing that terrible/long term) and I sometimes wonder how my sexual drive and submissive tendencies relate to my past – although it bothers me less as I get older. I’d love to find a partner that caring and understanding. Excellent post.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Hi Matt,

      I’ve let your comment through (links usually get sent to spam so I can check them) and your blogpost raises some interesting points. Can I ask, though, that you please engage a bit in the discussion, at least mentioning what you think of the post that’s published before you dump your own links in the comments? I’ve no problem with people adding links to their own posts – it’s a great way to find new stuff – but this guest blog in particular is a very well-written and personal discussion of some of the things you raise in your own blog, so it’d be good to know your thoughts in response to the author as well.

      Also, I hope you have permission from Pandora, Maddy, Christy, Amelia-Jane and the other spanking performers whose pictures and work you’ve included in your blog post. As I’m sure you understand, many (most? all?) of these people make a living from their work, and as far as I can see you haven’t even linked to the original sites where the pictures were taken from. Absent any links or proper credit, it looks a bit like you’ve just ripped off a bunch of spanking photos to give people some free porn on your blog.

  • Captain Smith says:

    I can’t begin to fathom how awful it must be to have been abused. I also can’t fathom how some people could be so arrogant as to presume to tell a person who’s been abused what kind of sex they should be having.

  • Mia says:

    This is wonderful, so glad you’ve found this relationship to be healing and loving <3 I think people have a lot of misconceptions about being submissive and bdsm in general, they think the submissive party is somehow doing something they don't want to do or feeling uncomfortable for the sake of the Dom. Ha. So untrue. And I think people also have misconceptions about abuse survivors. People think they can't have a healthy relationship after that, or wonder how they can feel comfortable being sexual again. It's just a different journey for each individual I think and you can only do what feels right for you. But it does surprise me how often people assume you're forever ruined somehow due to previous shitty experiences…

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