Where are all the pervy women?

Image by the amazing Stuart F Taylor

One of the most common questions I am asked (and I say this not to boast but to point out just how much disappointment I could unleash if people found out who I am) is “where can I meet a girl like you?”

This question is usually asked by straight men, who are keen to go to a bar, hook up with someone, fuck her face, then drink a few pints with her before getting ready for round two. Sadly when people ask ‘where can I meet a girl like you?’ I inevitably have to reply: you can’t.

Sorry. I’m not a figment of your imagination as such, but I’m certainly a figment of my own selective storytelling. You can meet me in a bar if you stumble into the right Wetherspoons at the dirty back end of a Friday night, but I won’t look just like this, or talk like this, or engage in this kind of pervy behaviour while you’re sipping your pint.

I’ll be wearing jeans and a jumper with holes in. I might drink and swear and shoot daggers at people who make sexist jokes, but I’ll also be a bit shy and awkward. I might forget your name, or flirt with you in a manner so clumsy it’s a gigantic turn-off. If you’re lucky, I might even sneak off to the toilet to be sick, before ducking out the side-door to avoid awkward goodbyes before I stumble onto the night bus.

So, the short answer is: you will never ever meet a woman who is exactly like a sex blogger, because sex bloggers are – as everyone is online to a certain extent – curated versions of our incompetent, real-life selves. But that’s OK, because that’s not really the question these guys are asking. What they’re usually asking is this:

Where are all the pervy women?

Someone sent me an email that included this question a while ago – it’s a neat summary of what many other straight dudes have asked, so I thought I’d try to collect my thoughts into a proper answer.

The first part of my response is practical – the guy is usually hoping I’ll say ‘Oh mate you should totally hit up Pervr – it’s like Tindr but the only people on it are magical fantasy creatures who’ll perform whatever sex acts are in your mind as you swipe left or right.’ Hence why my gut response is generally a bit shirty: there’s no specific app, but we’re fucking everywhere, mate. Pervy women are essentially the same as pervy men, in that we also need to buy milk and bread (find us in the supermarket!) and go to work (see the lesser-spotted pervy woman going about her photocopying!) as well as socialise in all the usual places too.

What’s more, because we’re human beings rather than fantasy constructs, we don’t tend to hang out in groups awaiting the opportunity to fulfil your sexual desires at the click of your fingers. Usually you need to put a bit of effort in: talk to us, get us horny, pay attention to what we want, etcetera. As we’d have to do with you.

Because pervy or not, we all have our own preferences. Part of the problem, I feel, is that people who ask this question often mean ‘why can’t I meet a woman who will, at the cost of no effort on my part, sit on my twitching cock?’ It’s for the same reason that the hot guy out of My Chemical Romance hasn’t yet popped round to my flat for a sandwich and a hand job: no matter how much I want it, I have to get off my arse if I want to make this dream come true.

Why won’t pervy women fuck me?

Beyond the practical, there’s an aching sadness behind this question – usually tinged with a snide ‘go on – prove it’ implication which gets my hackles up further. If you’re desperately worried that there aren’t enough sex-loving women, then I have some handy advice: listen.

For approximately a bajillion years, women have been bombarded with a whole host of mixed messages about sex: you don’t like it, you have to do it, it’s a chore, it’s something you exchange for shoes or money, it’s something you should hold back in case people think you’re a slut, it’s a treat for your husband on his birthday – loads of twaddle. So. When you lament your pain and misery at not being able to find these women, consider for a second why that might be.

Where are all the pervy women? It’s possible that some are reading articles entitled ‘twelve ways to get out of sex without using the ‘headache’ line’, thinking there’s something wrong with them because they aren’t searching for an excuse not to fuck. Perhaps they’re sitting in the pub, overhearing a guy telling his mate that she was ‘gagging for it, the slag’ because she sucked his dick when he asked her to. They might be watching some porn on Xhamster, seeing all the ads for ‘hot wives who want to fuck NOW’ and wondering if they’re freakish for enjoying something that – by implication – is really only for straight guys.

I’ve been this person at various different times, and I’ll tell you – it’s a pain in the arse. You’re a slut or you’re frigid. Madonna or whore. Sex is something which you do for either love or money, but never because you desire it. Blergh. It takes a lot of energy to consistently reject these messages, especially when after every rejection you’re presented with a new spin on it: be ladylike. Don’t sleep around. Men should pay on dates because they’re buying something you don’t want to give up. Double blergh.

And yet I do reject these stories, just as I’d laugh in the face of someone who told me ‘all girls’ were like me. Lots of other women reject these messages too, exposing their own kinks and lusts and desires to demonstrate that – yes, really – kinky women do exist. Imagine how irritating it is for them to immediately become the ‘go to’ target for these particular questions.

“I’m a woman, and I fucking love shagging.”
“So, where are all these women who love shagging then?”

It’s like standing in front of a one-horned, horselike creature and asking it where all the unicorns are.

So how do I find a kinky woman?

a close up of the badass unicorn tattoo, because why not?

A close up of Stuart’s badass unicorn tattoo.

Look, there isn’t a website where we’re all listed, and you can just take your pick like you would when selecting a new washing powder. You can go to dating sites, as you can walk into a bar, and you’ll probably stumble across one of us – we’re all over the place. The problem isn’t that we’re rare like unicorns – it’s that often you don’t hear us because you’re too busy listening to your own moans and whines and gripes. Yeah, it’s very sad if you can’t find a partner who shares your kinks. But asking ‘where are they all?’ in an exasperated tone is not likely to bring them running naked towards you.

“Oh yeah you say that women are dirty too, but I’ve never had a girlfriend who’s wanted to finger my arse. It’s all bullshit: men are just filthier and my experience is proof.”

Ironically, every time you launch into that bitter lament, you’re perpetuating the very ideas that cause many pervy people to stay silent about what they want. We’re not unicorns, we’re ten a penny, but we’re unlikely to come and say ‘hi’ if we know we’ll then have to engage in a heated debate with you about whether we really want what we say we want, or if we’re just pretending in order to sucker you into something else.

I might be desperate for a hot guy to fuck me in the face, but I won’t go and chat up the one who’s just spent twenty minutes bitching that women never want it. Especially if that guy (as is often the case) is the same dude who crows about each sexual encounter as if he’s managed to steal a precious jewel from the lady in question: ‘she totally gave it to me, mate. Gagging for it.’ If you talk about it like we won’t enjoy it, why would we expect to enjoy it with you?

So how do I fuck a unicorn then?

One of the easiest ways to find a woman who is into fucking in the same ways as you are is to challenge the ridiculous idea that these women don’t exist. What better way of advertising your kink-keen credentials than by sticking up for kinky folks everywhere?

You can hang out on chat forums with other straight men, bemoaning the lack of women who want to gobble your cock like a Thanksgiving turkey, or you can get on Twitter and facebook, join in the chats in the pub, and stick up for your fellow perverts – male or female. Challenge the narrative that straight women give straight men sex as a favour. Avoid calling people sluts, or frigid, or tight, or anything that implies there’s a ‘right’ and a ‘wrong’ way to exercise your sexual choice. Don’t be the guy who asks whether girls can really enjoy spanking, be the one who listens to the thousands of women who tell you they do. Be one of the guys who doesn’t slut-shame a girl who wants the same things he does – one of the guys who reacts with delight at a girl’s kinky suggestions, rather than a kind of skeptical surprise that she could ever have had the idea.

Where are all the pervy women? I don’t know about the others, but you’ll usually find me hanging out with these guys.

25 Comments

  • O says:

    It took me too long to realise that all you say above is true, but when I did it was the most wonderful revelation. Men do not have a monopoly on kink and sexual pleasure, just as women don’t have a monopoly on being desired playthings. I’m tempted to print this blog post out and leave it in men’s toilets whenever I got to a pub or bar…

    O

  • I tend to be of the opinion that if you can’t spot the so called pervy women on your own, you’re probably not the kind of person to be of interest to them.

    We can smell our own.

  • Vida says:

    Also, some of us are fat. Word to the wise.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Is that something people tend not to realise? Like if someone’s fat they can’t also be pervy?

      • Becki says:

        I think it is something people don’t realise….kink is usually associated with photogenicness on websites/magazines whatever….hell my college practically advertises only pretty people get A*’s and only the cutest of 3 year olds ever play with lego on tv adverts so if its drummed in from 6months up, it takes a very strong person and a lot of ‘I don’t give a fuck’ to finally realise you can actually have whatever you want in a relationship and in life, no matter genetics, body size, hair colour, smell, whatever…:)

      • Azkyroth says:

        Most of society is a bit sketchy on the idea that “fat people” isn’t an oxymoron, let alone that a fat woman might have a sexuality, let alone an enthusiastic and adventurous one.

        • Girl on the net says:

          Good point. I think maybe I’ve got a bit of a skewed view of it, because of the kind of kinky people I hang out with. I’ve generally always seen kink and the kink community as far more willing to embrace people of all different body types. There are still issues, for sure, because it’s bloody hard to throw off all the things we’re told about sex and sexuality. But yeah, definitely still a problem. Hmm.

          I’d love someone to write a guest blog on this if anyone’s up for it – Vida?

          • Desire on wheels says:

            I’m 4’11 so even when fairly fat I didn’t end up in plus size clothes, but I hear that they also tend to be thoroughly desexualised. Quick, cover up the fat lady! Bring a tent-like garment before someone sees the outline of her flesh! Such a waste of fabulous cleavage, too.

      • Desire on wheels says:

        Yup, and unfortunately you can end up internalising it too. I put on quite a bit of weight for a few years, got fat-shamed about it by my ex, and was thus absolutely astonished when someone chatted me up one day. I’m so glad I’m out of that situation, in several ways.

        The one I’ve really noticed is how disabled people are expected to be utterly asexual (with no disprespect to the folks, disabled and not, who actually are asexual). You can scandalise people by kissing someone while also using a mobility aid, and if they learned that there are disabled people who are also kinky, I think they’d expire from the shock. I tried to explain to my GP that tramadol makes it near impossible to have orgasms, and was met with a “does not compute” response. The people working at sex toy shops were better when I rang up asking for a really strong vibe for the same problem, thankfully. Personally I reckon we should get vibrators on the NHS, although I bet they’d be grey, badly-shaped and boring if we did.

        • Desire on wheels says:

          And also disability can interfere with looking sexy in the conventional sense, which affects whether you’re perceived as a sexual being. It can affect what clothing is bearable, wearing heels, make-up, jewellery, shaving your legs, spending time on your hair, whether you are in the narrow range of weight deemed acceptable for women, and mobility aids are associated with elderly folk and generally look awful. Plus you never see a disabled person in a media image who looks sexy. Never.

          My disabled friends and I have learned not to fuss about many of these things by now, but we will also eagerly discuss an elegant walking stick or a comfortable-yet-attractive bra, because we resist being shoved into this land of invisible people. You have to learn ways around it, being stylish in a way that’s practical. I’ve also had a couple of people have a go at me about it, both women who seemed to think that a woman going out without make-up on was obscene.

          Actually, it really is quite liberating to have stopped bothering with the high-maintenance aspects of looking nice. I’d hate to have sex with make-up on, for instance, nor would I want to have to pause to scrub it off!

  • Xiao Yingtai says:

    Girl on the Net, this is brilliant and true and I’m going to retweet. But I’m also going to say that my perspective is really different. We absolutely agree on the need to share the delight and feel safe before this comes out. But we differ on the words “favour” and “thank you”. They don’t annoy me, I love them.

    Because I want a guy to feel like sex with me is a privilege. Just like getting a real smile from me, just like me begging abjectly for a beating. By God I want him to be awed by the honour, because I want to feel the same way. I’m only going to do this with a guy who is such good stuff that I can consider all of this just as much a privilege as he does. Fair is fair, right?

    I am unusually picky, so maybe I’m not the kind of girl these guys are looking for anyway. But if they want kink rather than sex-positivity in general, I can tell them where to start, and the same principles hold. Go to those websites and events and Be a Gentleman. Don’t touch, don’t assume, don’t even leer. Don’t just be ethical, be nice. For whatever reason, we kinky women actually do seem to have higher standards. If a man lives up to them, maybe good things will happen, months or years down the road.

    Yes, it is more work. And there will still be hangups and limits and meltdowns. Is it worth it? I sure hope some guys think so. Because I think they’re God’s gift to us too.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ah, good points, and thanks for chipping in! I don’t think we differ too much on this, to be honest. I totally get the desire to be desired, to be treated as precious, and that it’s hot and awesome. I think my main issue with the ‘thanks’ and the ‘favour’ stuff is in contexts where it’s seen that women don’t want to have sex or be kinky. Like it’s a ‘favour’ because we don’t actually want to do it.
      And this?
      “I’m only going to do this with a guy who is such good stuff that I can consider all of this just as much a privilege as he does.”
      I love this – I think this is a pretty solid basis for really awesome sex/play/whatever it is you’re after. To be honest, no matter how well I know someone, whether it’s a long term thing or a one night stand, usually I’m feeling as lucky as they are, often more so – I wouldn’t be doing it otherwise because it’d be no fun =)

  • I’ve noticed, in the short time that my inner perve has been out in the wild, that the kinky women don’t allow themselves to be noticed by those lads who are asking that question.

    There’s a level of respect, of equality, that exists amongst those getting their kink on. For instance, at work nobody would ever believe my real wants and desires. I’m too ordinary. Too quiet. Not assertive or loud mouthed.

    But put me with naked people who respect me, and I’m another person altogether. The greatest compliment I get from those people is “What IS it about you?” Knowing I’m wanted, desired…

    My ex was one of those who saw sex as a right, a selfish need, all about him. And because of that I never revealed my inner perve.

    His loss.

    I’m wanted now.

    • Mira says:

      Agree! Agree! Agree!

      I’m picky on whom I fly my freak flag on and if I know its not worth it, it doesn’t even come out of the bag. My ex was the same as you and honestly by the end of our marriage I cringed at the thought of sex with him. A couple years ago he and I were talking and at one point in the conversation he said to me that I was asexual. I coyly smiled and said just because I didn’t want to have sex with you didn’t mean I didn’t want to pounded by a stud.

  • “One of the easiest ways to find a woman who is into fucking in the same ways as you are is to challenge the ridiculous idea that these women don’t exist. What better way of advertising your kink-keen credentials than by sticking up for kinky folks everywhere”
    So very true, nothing will turn me away from a man more than one who is as you described and not open minded nor supportive. Love this writing.

  • Muffin says:

    For me it’s trust. If I trust a man I am more likely to allow Pervy Me to surface. You are absolutely right about the type of person who bad mouths women and brags. Why would I give myself to a person of that ilk? Why would I risk the laddish sniggers and rumours? If a man shows me he is worthy of trust, I’ll show him my Kinks.
    Also,it takes time, my kinks need coaxing. I don’t show them immediately, as I once had an awkward situation where a guy talked the talk then ran from the room. Humiliating for both parties and a good friend lost.

  • Funloving Girl says:

    My inner perv was something I discovered later in life, not in my teens or early 20s. It took a patient kinky partner to love me, slowly coax my fantasies out of me and gain his trust before beginning to challenge me to live some of these fantasies. But OMG was it worth it!! Put in the effort and reap the rewards, guys…

  • M says:

    As a bloke who has always been kinky but started dating/shagging/relationships somewhat later in life than most of his peers…

    Once I’d figured out a combination of self-confidence, personality, taking care of myself etc to actually start getting dates, it turned out that the vast majority of women who were interested in me were also kinky. So either I’m giving out some very specific fetish pheromones or maybe this apparent gap between “filthy” and “non-filthy”women is not particularly wide, if it exists at all…

  • Claire says:

    Well, I married mine :-)

    Mistress has always had a very healthy sex drive, lucky me!

    To be honest, we didnt come across kink until into our mid thirties, and spent quite a few years tentatively exploring various activities before settling into where we are now.

    I think almost everyone has the capacity for somethink kinky, but what hold folks back is stuff like upbringing, “society” and religion. Its seen as wrong, dirty, slutty and generally stuff that “good girls” dont do.

  • Jo says:

    I love this post and intensely identify with it. When I worked in the dungeon, my clients would always tell me, “I wish I could find someone like you in real life,” or “I would have been so happy if I had someone like you when I was younger.” Of course, the problem with this is that it was *my job* to be a fantasy rather than a real, fleshed-out human being with character and flaws. The only lens in which they ever saw me was one in which they asked to see me… it’s not like I was sitting on mass transit wearing a corset and giving everyone “Come hither” eyes or going jogging with a flogger in my hand.

    Also, this post made me think of a conversation I had with a coworker recently; he told me that some girl had gone home with him from the bar, and he wanted to “see” her again, but didn’t know if he really wanted to date her because “if she went home with him that quickly, how do I know she’s not going home with other guys?” THEN he had the fucking audacity to add, “I’ve been trying to get a hold of her, but she’s not calling me back.” You should have seen the look on my face. What I should have said was something like, “So you wanted her to be slutty, but then when she was, you shamed her for it, but now you want her to fuck you again?!” What I actually said was, “Maybe she just wanted to fuck you. Or maybe she doesn’t want to date YOU because what’s to stop you from banging every other girl you meet in a bar like you did with her?” “Oh.” he said. “Right. I didn’t think of that.” Ugh forever.

  • Sarah says:

    I’m a woman, and a perv, and I’m damn well proud of it!

    Thank you GOTN, you say the important shit with so much more style than the rest of us mere mortals! ;-)

  • Rob says:

    I am married to a perv and I love it!! We push each other to our sexual limits. But it’s important to note that she can be that way with me because I’ve earned her trust. I don’t degrade her fantasies or inhibitions, I ease her into my fantasies and we discuss all her insecurities. We have opened up to each other and in turn it has opened doors into our sex lives that make me hard just thinking about. She is my life long partner and a wonderful mother, but behind closed doors we are slaves to each other’s sexual desires and fantasies. Guys….if you want this kind of sex, be patient and earn it.

  • Dawn says:

    I have just found your site and I’m loving it!
    I have actually spent most of my life asking ‘Where are all the pervy guys?’ Through several relationships I never found anyone who would actually do any of the things I wanted (apart from one guy who tied me up once). Six months ago I actually found one and it’s been the best six months of my life :)

  • Jayerz of London says:

    Interesting that almost all the comments here are from women.

    I am sure there is some truth in the point that there are some women out there who have high sex drives but are shy about it for societal reasons. I suspect a lot them are the readers of sex blogs like yours.

    But I have to say my own experience, and that of a lot of my friends, is that those women are very hard to find. My experience has been that most women I date are interested in sex early in a relationship (presumably for all the usual reasons about cementing connections etc) but have pretty limited interest in sex for its own sake. Or are really only interested in that with a handful of tall, hot men.

    Is your thesis that there are actually a lot of women out there who are interested in a lot of sex with ordinary blokes? If so what do you base that on?

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