One of the most common questions I am asked (and I say this not to boast but to point out just how much disappointment I could unleash if people found out who I am) is “where can I meet a girl like you?”
This question is usually asked by straight men, who are keen to go to a bar, hook up with someone, fuck her face, then drink a few pints with her before getting ready for round two. Sadly when people ask ‘where can I meet a girl like you?’ I inevitably have to reply: you can’t.
Sorry. I’m not a figment of your imagination as such, but I’m certainly a figment of my own selective storytelling. You can meet me in a bar if you stumble into the right Wetherspoons at the dirty back end of a Friday night, but I won’t look just like this, or talk like this, or engage in this kind of pervy behaviour while you’re sipping your pint.
I’ll be wearing jeans and a jumper with holes in. I might drink and swear and shoot daggers at people who make sexist jokes, but I’ll also be a bit shy and awkward. I might forget your name, or flirt with you in a manner so clumsy it’s a gigantic turn-off. If you’re lucky, I might even sneak off to the toilet to be sick, before ducking out the side-door to avoid awkward goodbyes before I stumble onto the night bus.
So, the short answer is: you will never ever meet a woman who is exactly like a sex blogger, because sex bloggers are – as everyone is online to a certain extent – curated versions of our incompetent, real-life selves. But that’s OK, because that’s not really the question these guys are asking. What they’re usually asking is this:
Where are all the pervy women?
Someone sent me an email that included this question a while ago – it’s a neat summary of what many other straight dudes have asked, so I thought I’d try to collect my thoughts into a proper answer.
The first part of my response is practical – the guy is usually hoping I’ll say ‘Oh mate you should totally hit up Pervr – it’s like Tindr but the only people on it are magical fantasy creatures who’ll perform whatever sex acts are in your mind as you swipe left or right.’ Hence why my gut response is generally a bit shirty: there’s no specific app, but we’re fucking everywhere, mate. Pervy women are essentially the same as pervy men, in that we also need to buy milk and bread (find us in the supermarket!) and go to work (see the lesser-spotted pervy woman going about her photocopying!) as well as socialise in all the usual places too.
What’s more, because we’re human beings rather than fantasy constructs, we don’t tend to hang out in groups awaiting the opportunity to fulfil your sexual desires at the click of your fingers. Usually you need to put a bit of effort in: talk to us, get us horny, pay attention to what we want, etcetera. As we’d have to do with you.
Because pervy or not, we all have our own preferences. Part of the problem, I feel, is that people who ask this question often mean ‘why can’t I meet a woman who will, at the cost of no effort on my part, sit on my twitching cock?’ It’s for the same reason that the hot guy out of My Chemical Romance hasn’t yet popped round to my flat for a sandwich and a hand job: no matter how much I want it, I have to get off my arse if I want to make this dream come true.
Why won’t pervy women fuck me?
Beyond the practical, there’s an aching sadness behind this question – usually tinged with a snide ‘go on – prove it’ implication which gets my hackles up further. If you’re desperately worried that there aren’t enough sex-loving women, then I have some handy advice: listen.
For approximately a bajillion years, women have been bombarded with a whole host of mixed messages about sex: you don’t like it, you have to do it, it’s a chore, it’s something you exchange for shoes or money, it’s something you should hold back in case people think you’re a slut, it’s a treat for your husband on his birthday – loads of twaddle. So. When you lament your pain and misery at not being able to find these women, consider for a second why that might be.
Where are all the pervy women? It’s possible that some are reading articles entitled ‘twelve ways to get out of sex without using the ‘headache’ line’, thinking there’s something wrong with them because they aren’t searching for an excuse not to fuck. Perhaps they’re sitting in the pub, overhearing a guy telling his mate that she was ‘gagging for it, the slag’ because she sucked his dick when he asked her to. They might be watching some porn on Xhamster, seeing all the ads for ‘hot wives who want to fuck NOW’ and wondering if they’re freakish for enjoying something that – by implication – is really only for straight guys.
I’ve been this person at various different times, and I’ll tell you – it’s a pain in the arse. You’re a slut or you’re frigid. Madonna or whore. Sex is something which you do for either love or money, but never because you desire it. Blergh. It takes a lot of energy to consistently reject these messages, especially when after every rejection you’re presented with a new spin on it: be ladylike. Don’t sleep around. Men should pay on dates because they’re buying something you don’t want to give up. Double blergh.
And yet I do reject these stories, just as I’d laugh in the face of someone who told me ‘all girls’ were like me. Lots of other women reject these messages too, exposing their own kinks and lusts and desires to demonstrate that – yes, really – kinky women do exist. Imagine how irritating it is for them to immediately become the ‘go to’ target for these particular questions.
“I’m a woman, and I fucking love shagging.”
“So, where are all these women who love shagging then?”
It’s like standing in front of a one-horned, horselike creature and asking it where all the unicorns are.
So how do I find a kinky woman?
Look, there isn’t a website where we’re all listed, and you can just take your pick like you would when selecting a new washing powder. You can go to dating sites, as you can walk into a bar, and you’ll probably stumble across one of us – we’re all over the place. The problem isn’t that we’re rare like unicorns – it’s that often you don’t hear us because you’re too busy listening to your own moans and whines and gripes. Yeah, it’s very sad if you can’t find a partner who shares your kinks. But asking ‘where are they all?’ in an exasperated tone is not likely to bring them running naked towards you.
“Oh yeah you say that women are dirty too, but I’ve never had a girlfriend who’s wanted to finger my arse. It’s all bullshit: men are just filthier and my experience is proof.”
Ironically, every time you launch into that bitter lament, you’re perpetuating the very ideas that cause many pervy people to stay silent about what they want. We’re not unicorns, we’re ten a penny, but we’re unlikely to come and say ‘hi’ if we know we’ll then have to engage in a heated debate with you about whether we really want what we say we want, or if we’re just pretending in order to sucker you into something else.
I might be desperate for a hot guy to fuck me in the face, but I won’t go and chat up the one who’s just spent twenty minutes bitching that women never want it. Especially if that guy (as is often the case) is the same dude who crows about each sexual encounter as if he’s managed to steal a precious jewel from the lady in question: ‘she totally gave it to me, mate. Gagging for it.’ If you talk about it like we won’t enjoy it, why would we expect to enjoy it with you?
So how do I fuck a unicorn then?
One of the easiest ways to find a woman who is into fucking in the same ways as you are is to challenge the ridiculous idea that these women don’t exist. What better way of advertising your kink-keen credentials than by sticking up for kinky folks everywhere?
You can hang out on chat forums with other straight men, bemoaning the lack of women who want to gobble your cock like a Thanksgiving turkey, or you can get on Twitter and facebook, join in the chats in the pub, and stick up for your fellow perverts – male or female. Challenge the narrative that straight women give straight men sex as a favour. Avoid calling people sluts, or frigid, or tight, or anything that implies there’s a ‘right’ and a ‘wrong’ way to exercise your sexual choice. Don’t be the guy who asks whether girls can really enjoy spanking, be the one who listens to the thousands of women who tell you they do. Be one of the guys who doesn’t slut-shame a girl who wants the same things he does – one of the guys who reacts with delight at a girl’s kinky suggestions, rather than a kind of skeptical surprise that she could ever have had the idea.
Where are all the pervy women? I don’t know about the others, but you’ll usually find me hanging out with these guys.