I used to be ambivalent about lube. OK, more than that: I used to be actively wary of it. As if using this substance represented a giant failure on my part to get my cunt wet. I used to feel as if lube was for anal, and only anal. But one of the things I’ve enjoyed most about my forays into the sex industry is just how ubiquitous lube is, and how many different uses there are for it. So let me pass on some of my learnings to you: unusual things to do with lube.
Put it in cocktails
Yeah, this is a literal thing: System Jo, who sponsor my site, make a whole range of different flavoured lubes (butterscotch is my favourite, but YMMV). If you bump into them at certain trade shows, they will sometimes have a cocktail bar set up where you can try out different drinks made from shots of vodka mixed with dashes of different flavours.
They even, at this year’s Eroticon, put recipe booklets along with samples in the goody bags so you could treat yourself to lube-twisted cocktails. Did I try this?
OF COURSE I FUCKING DID.
OK @system_jo, lube cocktails: let’s do this! pic.twitter.com/aPT0I2NA2e
— Girl on the Net (@girlonthenet) March 30, 2019
During my lube cocktail experiments someone on Twitter intriguingly suggested that you can simply use a dash of the lubes added to champagne to give it a bit of a twist. I’ve tried this with the strawberry, and a glass of cheap Tesco Cava, and it worked a treat. Bonus: gives you ever-so-slightly sticky lips, so you can recreate those halcyon teenage days of snogging after you’ve eaten an ice lolly.
Use it as hair serum
You might want to avoid the flavoured lubes for this, and stick to a silicone lube which has the right texture for this (water-based lube might work as well but I haven’t tried it – have a go! What’s the worst that could happen?). Although, you know, if you’d like your hair to smell like a sweet shop I will definitely not be one to judge. After all, I am the girl who nearly died of happiness when her boyfriend managed to find a body spray that smelt like Cadbury’s Mini Eggs.
The key thing to know here, though, is that silicone lube – just a couple of tiny drops – has very similar properties to hair serum. You can smooth it through your hair to get rid of the frizz, which I imagine is especially helpful if you’re planning to go for brunch with your lover after you’ve just shagged each other’s brains out.
Embrace the visual properties
Lube isn’t just practical, it’s also a beautiful, shiny, slippery mess. So let yourself get messy with it. If you don’t have a special fluidproof sheet, just chuck some old sheets on your bed that you don’t care about, and let yourself have some fun with the lube rather than eking it out to try and avoid getting mess everywhere.
Embrace the mess. Don’t squirt out a couple of droplets, pour a river of it all over your lover’s cock. Drizzle it liberally down the slit of your cunt and then rub it over every single part of you that feels good. Every part. Not just your clit or your cunt or your balls or the head of your twitching prick but your nipples and arse and armpits and the soft skin just above the dip of your hipbones.
Slather it on your hands until you can’t work out what’s going where in the hand-job you’re giving, all you know is that your wet fingers are rippling over their dick. Take time to appreciate the sensation – if it feels this great on your fingertips, can you imagine how lovely it feels on the head of their cock?
Tie your partner to the bed and drench your cunt in a particular flavour, then get them to guess which one it is as they nuzzle your clit with their tongue. Do the same with your nipples – different flavours, with punishments and rewards for whatever they guess.
Smear it into the crack of your arse then get someone to slide their cock between your cheeks. Do the same with your tits, plus extra, so the shine of the lube glimmers off each of your nipples.
Pour gallons of it inside your favourite wank sheath, so when you slip the toy over their cock fat globs of it spill out over the edges, displaced by the rigidity, solidity of their twitching prick.
Lube: let it flow. Let it drip and drizzle over every part of you: into you and onto you and all over. Spilling out and over until your skin feels light – frictionless.
Let it cling wetly to the ends of your hair, mingling with sweat as you ride someone.
I got carried away there, didn’t I? But it’s partly a bit strategic. As someone who used to be ambivalent about lube, who is now a total enthusiast, I find there’s a lot more joy in this simple substance than I ever previously thought. If you like it, embrace it: as fully as you embrace the other kinks and sex toys and pleasures that brighten up your bedroom.
Let your cup, and your cunt, runneth over.
System Jo support my site, so if you buy from any of the links in this post you’re helping me keep the site running, and for that I salute you and love you. They didn’t ask me to write this post, though, I just wanted to have a little ramble about how brilliant lube is.
7 Comments
Yes! This is great. I’ve never made a cocktail or hair serum with it, but you’ve got me thinking now. I always slather on lube, and I like being as messy as possible with it. I never understood why people care if it ended up on the sheets. I hope it does. Looking at my sheets later with lube spots and spunk usually turns me on again, and I end up having a wank. When I have a wank I 99.9% of the time I use lube, it’s especially amazing when I have an edging myself for 45 minutes kind of wank. I repeatedly reapply and slather then. While I really love anal, lube is so great for hand jobs, oral, sliding and grinding myself against his cock without penetration. It’s great to see this addressing the feeling of it’s a “giant failure on my part to get my cunt wet.” I had to learn that wetness is a shit indicator of arousal. My brain can be completely turned on, but my body can’t always catch up– fucking in front of the A/C in the summer, stress, and too much alcohol can make me a bit dry. Mostly stress and too much alcohol dry me out. However, stress also makes me want to get thrown down on the bed and fucked hard. I’m turned on; I want it, but yeah, to get off and burn off my stress I need some lube.
Yesssss! Definitely. I find drinking can dry me out a little as well (and don’t get me started on smoking weed in the summer!) and it’s frustrating if my tipsiness is making me horny – as it so often does – to find I don’t have any lube easily to hand. Luckily I have about a million samples strewn all over the house so that doesn’t happen much any more. All hail lube =)
Lube? Who would have guessed? This will be classic GOTN when the history is written!
And I felt a bit self-conscious mentioning a tiny dab of toothpaste to heat things up? I can’t stop laughing! I need some of the silicone lube to wipe down (sparingly) my 24K gold plated tripod that was built in a minuscule number before you were born. Have you read the Lube ingredients list? This is not an imparative, but just speaking for myself, I wouldn’t read the Ingredients label. What fun would that be?
Sometime, long ago, cheap White Port and lemon juice (or Cool Aid) was big in the ‘Hood’! I say keep the lemon juice or maybe just the ‘Zest’ and add a bit of whatever flavor of lube does it for you! Alcohol? It’s 20%! Even if it is BAD it is GOOD!
Also, I would Stay Away from Lithium grease. You won’t feel better mentally or physically!
Still laughing…….Phil
Eek – lithium grease?! Not sure I’ve heard of that but I would definitely avoid slathering it on my nethers =) I have never tried the toothpaste thing but I’d urge caution with it as foodstuffs and other substances can play havoc with the delicate balance of the vagina – you can get tingling/cooling lubes which do similar things in a more gentle way though, and I’ve definitely had fun with those in the past!
I totally agree with this. I’m no expert or dermatologist or anything. However, as someone with really sensitive skin, I think I should jump in and say if you or your partner has sensitive skin be careful with some of those tingling/cooling and warming lubes too. I have always known my skin is really sensitive, and my partner has sensitive skin too. I’ve always bought lube carefully from established reputable brands. Even with being selective in purchase the cooling and warming lubes have made my skin erupt in itching and my partner, his skin can get itchy from it too. As I got closer to the big 3-0, my skin became even more sensitive than it already was. I’m kind of at the point where those are off the table for me. Some days I really hate my skin. If my stress and anxiety levels freak out…so does my skin. I have a few go-to lubes that I love. Mostly I stick with those. I look for things that have organic certifications, paraben free, and glycerin free. I’m glad more brands have these types of options. I need them.
We use lube for anything and everything around and about sex; it’s probably on most of the surfaces (in some micro amount) in our house. We have about 8-12 different kinds of lube around typically, from high end water based, oil based, silicone based lubes to Crisco to Mineral Oil to J-Lube powder. Oh and “Cum Lube” which looks like stringy cum and can look awesome spewing out and around any cum-tube dildo that is currently being grasped some some random orifice that got in the way, especially when nearly 8 ounces is exuded over a 20-30 second period. It’s fun to smear lube over each other completely until you’re both …shiny. I’ve ended up looking like a glazed donut more than once.
In fact, we had to make a rule that you don’t take lube into the downstairs shower stall because it became a death trap in there with all the glass doors and ultra-slick floor and wall surfaces. So yay for the Lube Post!
Ohhhh lube that looks like spunk is also a top fave of mine! Also excellent work on the health and safety front – lube plus slippery surfaces = probably not a great idea =)