Sometimes orgasms are elusive, and other times they’re addictive. But what if you don’t know whether you’ve had one or not? Today’s guest blogger, Ilex, is here to share a story about discovering orgasms long after you’ve discovered sex, and how learning to orgasm later in life has affected her outlook on sex. Oh, and share an intensely hot threesome fantasy at the same time… enjoy!
“Did you come?”
I heard that question a few too many times. I wouldn’t mind it so much if it were a mere question. But more often than not, it is loaded with expectations and pressure, and the assumption that the answer can be nothing but ‘yes’ or there would be something seriously wrong with either of us. Whilst there are lots of cool things one can say after sex, that question left me uncomfortable and embarrassed, having to explain once more something that nobody ever seemed to get. I felt instinctively that while a ‘no’ would hurt my partner’s feelings, ‘I don’t know’ would make me come across as a weirdo.
Let me tell you about a fantasy that I do not want to try in real life. It’s a threesome scenario. For context: I identify as polyamory and pansexual. I have a vulva and a clit, which means that I was born on the wrong side of the orgasm gap; and as my contribution to bridge this gap, I have been actively trying to discover what my vulva and clit like.
There’s this friend of mine, a cisgender man. We’ve known each other for a long time, have been lovers on and off, and had group sex a few times in the past. He is someone I find attractive and truly care about. Sexy and generous and kind. He is dating a wonderful, gorgeous person, a cisgender woman. Stereotypically pretty, and if you scratch the surface you soon realise that her inner beauty radiates far beyond just her appearance. She is lovely and fierce. Kind to everyone, and a true feminist. Open-minded, with clear boundaries. Tactile, which I love, being very touchy-feely myself. She has the courage to make bold choices for herself and to act on her beliefs; I find that extremely attractive. I have no idea of what kind of sex she likes in real life. In my fantasy, I imagine her taking a dominant role.
In my fantasy, the three of us would be coming home after what may have been a midday picnic in the park, or a live show (this is fiction, I can make up the wildest ideas, even a big room full of real people, right?!). We put some music on, pour some drinks, the place is warm and welcoming, with sofas and cushions and a huge bed clearly designed for three or four people to (not) sleep in. We are happy and relaxed and full of positive energy. We get chatting and dancing and kissing and laughing. I get very horny, I’m enjoying myself and I really want to see the three of us naked – soon enough we are peeling our clothes off. We touch and stroke and lick and nibble on each other and it’s amazing. We are having fun, and I know where the condoms and lube are should we fancy going in that direction – I certainly do.
Then she asks me if I would like to eat her pussy while having his cock deep inside my cunt. Yes please, yes, fuck yes.
“Then I’m going to give you a challenge,” she says. “If you want my cunt, and his cock, you have to make yourself come first. We’ll watch as you touch yourself and if you come, then you can have both of us.”
This sounds like both an easy thing to do and an incredible turn on. I feel so horny already that surely any one of my sex toys will get me there in thirty seconds. But just as I reach out for my bag of battery-powered miracle-makers, she grabs my wrist.
“No,” she says, in a tone that leaves no room for negotiation, and looks me straight in the eyes. “I want to see you make yourself come without your toys.”
Now for you to understand what that means, I have to explain this: about a year ago, at the age of 32, after sixteen years of what I still consider to have been a happy sex life, I had my first orgasm.
My first orgasm at 32
I should nuance that: I had what was definitely my first conscious orgasm. It may be that I had orgasms in my sleep before, I’m not sure, but even if I did, it can’t have been more than five or six times in my entire life. But what I find fascinating is that, up to that point, I didn’t know that I had never had an orgasm. I had heard and read many descriptions and could never really relate to them, but I just assumed that I was wired in a slightly unusual way: instead of the clearly defined peaks that everyone else seemed to experience, my pleasure would increase then decrease gradually, so that I could not pinpoint the exact moment when I came. I assumed that I had orgasms and I was just not very good at identifying them. I enjoyed sex, and I didn’t understand why people obsessed so much about orgasm.
But a year and a half ago, a few things happened which triggered me to buy myself some sex toys and start masturbating regularly, and then bang – one day, as I was touching my clit with my vibrator, I felt something I had never felt before. I heard myself moan out loud uncontrollably, and that’s when I knew something was happening. My first thought was: “WOW – what the hell was that?!” And then “that feels amazing! Can I get more of that?” Later on, when I understood that was an orgasm, I thought: “Oh now I finally get why everyone is so hell-bent on having those!”
This experience changed my sex life massively, and I feel very happy that I don’t owe it to one partner but rather to myself and to the lovely shop keeper at Other Nature (an amazingly inclusive sex toy shop in Berlin) who helped me choose a toy that was right for me. I don’t get paid to advertise their shop, I just feel really grateful, they probably don’t know how much they’ve helped me, and the hard-earned cash that I spent there was a very fruitful investment into my own wellbeing.
It took someone very close and dear to me to put the word ‘anorgasmia’ on what I had experienced until the age of 32. I still don’t feel comfortable with this word, but I have to admit that my experience clearly fits the definition. Even though I’m glad that I don’t owe this experience to one partner in particular, I feel delighted and grateful to have met someone who did not ask “Did you come?” but “What do you need to come?” That’s a question I think we should ask ourselves, and each other, more often.
How discovering orgasms affected me
Discovering orgasms has changed my sex life massively. Up until then I was quite content with sex when my partner had an orgasm and I didn’t or I thought I did but I wasn’t too sure. Of course, I still know that sex can be pleasurable with or without orgasm; but now that I know what an orgasm feels like, I find it quite addictive. Maybe somehow I want to try and catch up on all the years when I didn’t have any. Anyway, I feel determined do what it takes to get them.
The latter is the crucial point though: I only get orgasms using sex toys on my clit. Audio porn helps a lot and more recently I have had orgasms with a partner when we used toys on my clit, which is great fun. My two favourite toys are a vibrator and an air-pulse ‘clit-sucking’ toy. And to this day, I have never come without using one of those. Neither alone nor with a partner. My therapist is convinced that I can have orgasms using just my hands and my imagination; it’s not that I don’t want to believe her, but it’s never happened so I don’t quite see how it would magically start happening. People say you can’t get an orgasm if you try too hard, that you have to relax and not put yourself under pressure; that’s all well and good, but I already spent sixteen years not trying.
That’s why this particular moment in the fantasy is a wish I don’t actually want to fulfil. Although in real life I do enjoy light D/s dynamics, more often with me on the submissive side, and I also enjoy when my partner tells me they want me to come. But a partner pressuring me to do something I know I cannot do – that would be a turn-off. So I can’t explain why it turns me on as a fantasy, but there it is.
“I want to see you come without your toys,” she says to me. I can feel the light but firm pressure of her hand on my wrist, I can see her sweet pink nipples erect and the incredibly soft skin of her neck that I want to kiss some more, I can almost smell the wetness of her cunt lips, and any one of those would be enough to get my own cunt soaking wet. She wants me to do this and I want to do what she wants me to do. I have no idea how – but I will.