Girl on the Net

This job isn’t all wanking and audio porn – sometimes it involves a lot of boring admin. But one of the nice things about it is that even on the dullest of days, when I’m buried in spreadsheets and invoices, I can receive two incredible messages barely an hour apart from men telling me how fun it is to watch their jizz bounce on the vibrating pad of a sex toy. One was via DM from the lovely CJBrook_, who (correctly) surmised I might be interested in ‘what effect the inside vibrating pad has on a load of spunk’, and the other came in this glorious review. If you’re curious about dick vibrations, and specifically the unique, thrumming intensity of the Hot Octopuss Pulse Solo Essential (keyword for Google – did you spot it?), then I hope you enjoy this delightfully fun account of my anonymous guest blogger’s first ever Pulse wank.

Hot Octopuss Pulse Solo Essential

PULSE. Pulsating, steady rhythm, beating, beating off. It’s a good name for a sex toy. Hot Octopuss have several pulse-named toys for couples or for the temporarily/permanently uncoupled. I finally get round to trying one, called the Pulse Solo ‘Essential’ (although I’ve been managing without it for a while). Even the Essential retails at around £90 – the pricier Lux comes with a wrist-watch remote control but I don’t want to be watched right now. I’m keen to give it a try but sceptical. I’ve always assumed that for vibrations to really steam your lenses you need a clit. Sure, vibrations in your butt can be pretty amazing when you have a prostate but for me nothing that goes BZZZ has ever replicated what a good bullet vibe can do when pressed insistently on a clit. Vibration feels kind of nice on or around a penis but it’s not something I’d devote much time to.

But maybe this is different. Maybe it will unlock new levels of horn that I just hadn’t known how to access before.

What is the Pulse Solo Essential?

Certainly it looks unlike anything I’ve tried before, and I’ve tried a few things. It’s slightly bigger than a Tenga egg, elegant black silicone and looks suitably space-agey, like a remote control for a deadly sex laser or part of a cyborg’s extended limb. The Octopuss brand suggests a tentacle’s end-point without much effort. Unlike a traditional penis-masturbator toy that’s some variation on a tube you fuck, this is more like a little helmet, placed around the end. So the length of your member is largely irrelevant, though I suppose different girths would get different levels of tightness.

Not to boast but I’ve been wanking for a good while now and I think I’ve got it mostly figured out. I know what I like and generally I can manage it pretty effectively with either hand and not much else. But sex toys are fun, and I’ve started experimenting more and more. Generally, if you have a dick and no one around to help, getting off involves moving about a bit. Usually in the form of a gripped hand going up and down a bit. With the Pulse you can do that but you can also just put it in place and it just sits there, doing its thing. Vibrating. And it can do that pretty damn well, delivering some serious rumbling bass from its small, USB-fuelled frame.

Like most toys that vibe it offers a dizzying array of vibration settings, each one a different combination of BZZ bzz BZZ or BZZ BZZ………. BZZ BZZ like a horny morse code specialist trapped in your pants. I don’t care about the patterns – I want a toy on, or off, not trying to convey to me that a mid-sized schooner is in trouble off the coast of wartime Dorset. But power settings are a different matter. On or… more on. How serious does that rumbling get? And what’s that going to do to my dick?

I carefully manoeuvre my cock in place and get started on the lowest setting. At first it just feels nice. A comforting, enticing juddering of pleasure. I enjoy the novelty of seeing the tip of my cock blur with motion, moving at a frequency where I can’t totally tell exactly where it ends any more, just a soft intensity of movement occupying space like an electric fan. I realise you can’t fully let go for a hands free experience – it’s a bit heavy and you lose control, leaving the tool lurching like a tentacle groping around for prey. There’s some playing around with position and grip to find what works for one’s own personal penis but once I’ve settled with the raised vibrating pad up against my frenulum and a tight grip round the casing and my cock, everything held firmly in place, it feels incredible.

I am converted.

An achingly good way to come

Everything in sex involves some combination of doing to others or having others do unto you, giving or receiving, topping or bottoming, active or passive, ventriloquist or haunted waxwork dummy. With a partner in charge you can surrender control, cede a little of your autonomy and lose yourself in the uncertainty of what will or won’t be done to you. Usually if you’re on your own you have to be pretty active, calling the shots, being both actor and acted upon and orchestrating your own orgasm. The Pulse Solo Essential is the only toy I’ve ever used that made me feel like I didn’t need to do anything, that I could just place myself in its metaphorical hands and leave it to extract an orgasm from me. Holding completely still, just riding the serenely pulsating wave as that sense of inevitability builds joyously. It’s wondrous, gripping onto cock and machine as one and feeling your arousal spiral out of control. The higher settings pull at that orgasm more insistently, leaving me locked in place but gasping heavily as the release starts to tear through me. It’s a glorious, fun, achingly good way to come.

I have not yet figured out how to do it without making a mess. There’s nothing to contain the business end of a dick and it’s hard to get much control of it even with a tissue so there’s normally some clean-up required. Before that though, there’s a moment when you’ve spunked on to a fiercely vibrating surface. So before I can turn it off, still shuddering in the after-shocks, I find myself slightly transfixed by the sight of my own jizz bouncing rhythmically in little cum-columns like oil on a speaker in some kind of science demonstration. Like tiny wet ghosts dancing in perfect harmony. It’s an arresting visual moment. Then the toy is turned off and gradually I am too as I relax into the light, strange ache that the after-effects of intense vibration leaves behind.

Ultimately it’s a fun way to wank and I don’t want to wang on about it like it’s some transcendental experience or an opportunity for profound and mindful onanism but there is something quite different about it, something very contained and compelling about being so absorbed in a distinctive experience focused so intensely on the most sensitive part of your most sensitive part.

Anyway, I enjoyed it. Well worth splashing out on.

Huge thanks to the brilliant dude who kindly contributed this awesome review. The Pulse Solo Essential was provided by my site sponsors Hot Octopuss for free in exchange for review, and the toy itself is available on their website for £89/$99. If you buy through the links on this page you’re helping to support my work, for which I am incredibly grateful.

If you’re interested in other Hot Octopuss toys, you should also check out the Amo bullet vibe (my fave) and the Atom Plus cock ring (also my fave. I can have more than one fave, it’s allowed).