How do you go about sharing sexy fantasies? It’s one of the questions people seem to struggle with a lot – as measured both by my inbox and also the sheer volume of advice guides written about broaching the subject with your partner. But one of the things I find fascinating/annoying about the way it’s presented is that it’s often seen as an ‘all or nothing’ thing: that you tell your partner you want to be dominated (with a strap-on and a vigorous pegging, for example), and they either tell you ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ That’s it: a green light or a red one, and then the discussion has ended. I don’t think that’s how it always works.
Sharing sexy fantasies: yes or no?
I sometimes share pictures with my partner, and I ask him if he finds them hot. As someone who struggles to take nude photos (or any photos, come to think of it) of myself, when it comes to inspiring fantasy chat I rely fairly heavily on images that other people post to Twitter. As I scroll through the selection of sex blogs, political rants, and tortured puns that make up 90% of my timeline, I enjoy stumbling on the odd picture that gives me a kick of lust.
So I pass it to my other half and say ‘what do you think? Hot or not?’
Often his answer is the straight-up green light: yes. Yes, this is hot, I would like to do it. Sometimes he’ll want to do it immediately, and we commence fucking on the living-room floor. Sometimes it needs time to percolate, and he’ll think on it for a while and incorporate it into one of his own sexy fantasies later down the line. Occasionally it’ll just be an interesting conversation piece, discarded later on when we find something new to chat about.
More often, though, the initial inspiration requires a bit of editing. Porn’s great, but it’s always someone else’s interpretation of ‘hot’.
Recently I was chatting to Meg-John Barker and Justin Hancock on their podcast (listen in catch-up and follow them on Twitter here for lots of fascinating insight into sex and relationships) about sexy fantasies – how and why we have them, and the ways in which they can benefit us as individuals and when we’re having sex with other people. As we were talking about sharing fantasies, I realised that ‘sharing’ usually involves far more than just this red light/green light approach. Often it involves taking inspiration – from porn, real life, or imagination – and building on that together. To create a shared sexy fantasy that works for more than one person, sometimes you need to take a more iterative approach.
The editing method of sharing sexy fantasies
The other night we had a conversation about cuckqueaning. If you’ve never heard of it, it’s essentially the gender-flipped version of cuckolding: a female partner gets off on thinking about her husband shagging other people. Like cuckolding, it can be done in a variety of ways, with different atmospheres or scenes. One person might enjoy fantasising about cuckqueaning because it seems like a safe way to explore fantasies of submission or humiliation. Someone else might enjoy it because they get off on being able to share their partner, and the arousal comes hand in hand with a sense of pride. There are lots of possibilities.
Anyway. I’m not normally into cuckqueaning, but the other day I found a gif that gave me a hell of a lot of the sexy shivers. It featured a guy getting vigorously sucked off by an entirely naked woman. Another woman sat nearby, bound and gagged in a chair so she couldn’t either join in or run away. She was being forced to watch as the pair played in front of her, and the expression on her face was one of frustrated rage.
Me: Want to see something hot?
Him: Hell yes.
*I show him the gif*
No, definitely hot. Like, the scene itself is hot – one woman watching while another works his dick. But I don’t think I want her to be there reluctantly.
Not watching jealously as the other woman sucks him off?
Well, the watching is super-hot. But I don’t want her to be watching jealously: as if she doesn’t want this to be happening. I want her to watch enviously: like she really wants to join in.
OK so. If we kept the rope and the ties, but instead of her being gagged and looking angry, she was instead eagerly pleading to be allowed to join in.
Exactly! She’s not tied up because she’s being tortured by the image of her partner getting pleasure from someone else, she’s being tortured as a means of teasing her. Here’s this amazing scene that you don’t get to join in with yet.
Sweet. So if it were me?
If it were you, we’d include something else. Like maybe me and the other woman are deliberately teasing you, and it’s fun. And we’re laughing at how horny you are, and you’re playfully frustrated – begging us to untie you but also enjoying the fact that you’re being tied.
Well, then you’d get fucked. Eventually. And you know – even as you’re voluntarily staying in place to be tied up – that you’ll get fucked eventually.
But I want to enjoy the build-up?
Yep. You want to enjoy the build-up, but you know that the fucking is inevitable. Once me and the other woman have played for long enough…
And so what started as a cuckqueaning fantasy which revolved almost entirely around jealousy – tortured emotions and the delicious combination of wanting to cry and wanting to fuck – turns into something more playful. He’s taken the scene that I enjoyed, and added a few details from his own imagination. And in detailing exactly what turns him on and why, I can see the scene in a different light and understand which elements will work for him.
Not only that, but now I have his input I can enjoy the fantasy even more on my own. I add polish to the script in my head – hear his voice whispering dirty things to me about how good it feels to have his dick sucked, and picture my own enthusiastic wriggling as I get more and more turned on by what they’re doing. As I wank to the fantasy we’ve created together, the small details he’s added make the whole thing richer and more realistic. After all, it’s easier to imagine him joining a scene when I know what his actual reactions would be. Teasing me by rubbing the head of his dick over my gagged lips before letting our friend take it in her mouth. Keeping his right hand possessively on the back of my neck as he strokes her hair with his left.
The original fantasy – of being bound, gagged and humiliated by a lover – is still incredibly hot. It’ll still be there in my repertoire next time I reach down my pants for a lunchtime wank. And the option is still open to describe or show one of my kinkier fantasies and ask if he’s tempted to try it. But this way is fun too – taking an editorial approach. Passing a story back and forward, each of you adding or amending bits as you go. It’s not just about sharing something that belongs to you, and crossing your fingers in the hope your partner likes it: it’s building something you both enjoy together. Writing your own porn story, that you can replay whenever you like.