This week’s guest blog, by Paulita from the Ersties Podcast, is all about my favourite topic: sex chat. And specifically, the ways in which talking about sex can help us learn more about ourselves and each other. Check out her brilliant post below, listen to the cast, and follow @TheErstiesPodcast on Twitter!
How talking about sex taught me how to talk about sex and finally improved my sex life.
Let’s put it this way – I’m quite an orally-fixated person. Stacked on first base on a Freudian scale, I enjoyed my dummy until I was three years old. I suspect I would have fallen blissfully into sleep suckling on that piece of rubber for years to come had my mother not told me that ‘I was a big girl now’. I bet you get the idea – I’ve always had a big mouth.
In my family, there were hardly any taboos. We were open about topics that would have been off-limits to most families. Outside of the home, in Catholic, prudish Spain, I soon noticed my remarks were quite scandalous. I developed a taste for challenging schoolmates and teachers alike with everything a girl shouldn’t say. No, I did not think there was anything wrong with making out with different boys at the same party. Yes, I was eager to lose my virginity as soon as possible.
Later on, when my virginity was long gone, I took my personal crusade for sexual liberation to bars and clubs, strangers, friends, on the streets and anywhere. I was opinionated, at times aggressively so, and talking openly about my sexual preferences with the most random people made me feel like a liberated, self-confident woman.
The outspoken girl from the bar never came home with me though, and when clothes hit the floor, lips sealed shut. Admittedly the amounts of alcohol ingested before crashing with one-night-stands didn’t help my speech centre but even in long-term relationships, I could not find the words to express my likings while fucking. I wondered, why. Not that anybody ever asked, maybe they were speechless themselves.
At some point, I realised I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t know what I wanted. My sexuality so far had consisted of an insatiable curiosity and a fancy for novelty. I was a sponge, eager to serve the lust of my opponent and mould to their desire. However, the novelty of one-night-stands had faded over the years and so I set off to figure out what words come after ‘I like…’
So I talked to friends and started formulating possible versions of what my desires might sound like. It turns out i was very comfortable discussing the idea of sex but no matter how well I polished my sexual narratives, when I tried to take them to bed, again, words stacked in my throat. I put it down to being submissive but the truth was, with no voice for my desires, I was waiting for instructions. I took every verbal and non-verbal cue as an order.
Luckily, my insatiable mouth would eventually save me. In its boundless appetite to get filled, it dared to ask, ‘do you want me to suck your cock?’ ‘do you want me to eat you out?’ My mouth was slowly beginning to shape around the things I wanted, eventually leading me to a new fixation that would finally soothe me. Please, let me introduce you.
The Ersties Podcast is a show about sexuality, porn and relationships hosted by Lina Bembe, Olivia Rose, Pandora Passmore and myself. Our story is one of true love. The four of us first came together to work on a project for Ersties. We were building a secret gang to tackle feminism in public spaces with a touch of sassy humour. Our work meetings usually started with a brainstorming session, and by that I mean we ordered a round of cocktails and talked for hours. We had just met, and immediately started sharing very intimate stories, including awkward Tinder dates and herpes-inducing clubbing accidents. I soon realised I had put my armour away. Unlike at the bars and at school, I wasn’t arguing or defending myself, we were chatting. I felt freer than ever to speak my mind.
At some point, we decided to share these conversations by making a podcast. Our discussions are unapologetic, intimate and honest celebrations of our sex drives and lives. The fact of having an audience, the uncertainty of it, is somehow equivalent to the fear of speaking in front of a lover but this time all the outspoken girls from the bar came home with me. So I opened wide, stopped worrying and discovered the joy of listening to myself talk.
Recently, a new lover came around and asked me to tell them what I like.
“I like to be turned around, pinned down so that I can’t move and fucked from behind.” I answered.
“Nice,” they said, “anything else?”
“Yes. I’d love you to fuck my mouth.”
I’m still on holiday this week, so I’m especially grateful to Isa for talking about sex here while I’m away! I’ll be back on Monday, but in the meantime check out the podcast, other recent guest blogs and have a lovely weekend!