I don’t know this man, but here’s what he can do to me

Image by the awesome Stuart F Taylor

There’s a guy who pops up occasionally in celebrity gossip articles, or tweets, or various pop culture ephemera in which I have only a passing interest. I have absolutely no idea who he is. However, I do know that he wears extremely tight trousers, has piercings and tattoos that have sunk hooks into my very soul, and lips that I would fight wars to have wrapped round my nipples. So. I don’t know this man from Adam, but here’s what he can do to me.

1. Absolutely RUIN my vagina, for a start

For a start. Ruin it. Fuck me UP. Utterly and completely.

Plough my cunt like you’re trying to break my spirit, baby. Destroy me. Leave me in tatters.

Just for starters.

2. Finger me against any and all walls between wherever I meet up with him and the hotel to which we will (hopefully) swiftly retire

Seriously, I do not care if these walls are visible to the general public, and people who walk by will take pictures. I don’t care if the wall he chooses to finger me against is covered in tiny spikes, which will scratch up the flushed skin of my back while I moan ‘more, please, God, more’ into his beautiful ear. I don’t care if he wants to finger me up against the wall of the vestibule on a First Great Western train that still smells like yesterday’s commuter puke: I absolutely need this man to finger me.

3. Suck the prettiest strap-on cock I own, and say ‘thank you’ after I’ve made him gag on his own spit

Look up at me with the eyes of a desperate floozy and, while panting through recovery from the facefuck I’ve laid upon him, plead with me to not let him rest too long, because he really wants my purple cock deep in his filthy mouth again.

4. Sit on a butt plug with his legs spread wide…

…gripping his dick in this casual/strong/practised way while he looks me in the eye and tells me: “take your top off and get on your fucking knees – I’m going to come on your tits.”

5. Piss directly into my mouth

6. And my ass

7. Take every single penny out of my bank account…

…and go spend that money on wining and dining a parade of other women, all of whom are cool and sexy and badass and better than me. What he can do to me includes (though is definitely not limited to) taking all of my money, spending it on other people, then bringing them back to my house and fucking each and every one of them in front of me while I sit gagged and bound in the corner, gushing so much quim that when everyone’s gone home I have to call in a damp expert to advise on how best to protect the floorboards.

8. Strip and harvest shreds of my very SOUL and knit them into thread which he then ties around his cock and balls…

…to make all his beautiful junk throb really hard and tight, before telling me to bend over in front of him, face buried in the duvet and ass in the air, cunt spread good and wide for him… while I fully BEG him for his dick. Then, as I plead ‘pleeeeease‘, just rub at his cock dismissively, glance at my reflection in the mirror next to the bed, and grin in this sly-and-sexy way as he tells me “You can beg a little more politely than that, can’t you?” so I start babbling ‘fuck yeah please please I need it in me please fuck just fuck me. Fill me with your fucking dick‘ until eventually he gives it to me, but really viciously so I can’t quite get to coming, and as I’m on the edge and continuing to whimper ‘more more please fuck more yes god more please‘ he pulls out, beats at it, and sprays cum all over my back.

As I lie there trembling with frustrated lust, he looks down in disdain at my cowering, ravished body. Then spits on me, smacks my arse, wipes his dick on the curtains and fucks off home.

9. Take me to Diggerland

Not sex-related, I’ve just always wanted to go to Diggerland.

10. Lend me to each and every one of his friends, no questions asked

Ever heard the expression “I’d fuck YOU to get to him”? Yeah? Well there is absolutely no limit – in quantity, awfulness, or any other thing – to the guys I will fuck to get a single second of this gentleman’s attention. I would be lent out to any and everyone he chooses to share me with for any reason he deems worthwhile – from his best mate since school in exchange for some long-owed, serious favour, to the cashier at his nearest Walmart just to get him marginally better customer service. And I’ll do everything they want me to do, as well: hours-long meditative suck jobs, fucked up role play, deeply aggressive and humiliatingly brutal anal… because every single fuck will be something I’m doing for him. This man who I do not know from Adam, yet would like to do bad bad things to me.

I will close my eyes and grit my teeth and spread myself wide open while that guy he plays poker with once a month ploughs away at my raw, aching holes, and God oh God oh God… I will think of this man and my cunt will twitch and I will come so hard for all the ways in which he has utterly defiled me.

This beautiful man.

With his tattoos. And tight trousers.

And his tight trousers.

And tattoos.


I promise on my life this post is more fun if you don’t know the exact guy I’m talking about, but fwiw there you go. He has the energy of this guy, and this guy, and this guy. And, of course, the absolute King of These Guys: this guy. You know the type, right? There’s an eighteen-year-old inside me who once fucked a bartender with this energy, and she will never not be hot for these fucking guys. 


  • oxyfromsg says:

    This was delightful.

  • Alix Fox says:

    BAHAHAHHAHAHA I GUESSED WHO IT WAS STRAIGHT AWAY – I was about to message you my guess before I saw the reveal :D

  • James says:

    Amazing! It makes me rethink the need to get piercings and tattoos. ;)

  • Susi says:

    Loved this!

  • Aaron says:

    That is a perfectly-pitched blog! It was on the edge of being scarily intense, but stayed the right side of intense! Excellent work, GOTN.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Thanks Aaron! And yeah, I do sometimes have a bit of an ‘eek’ about being too obviously thirsty for famous men who have not consented to my drool, which is why this one is pitched at least some way on the ‘funny’ spectrum. While I doubt this dude will ever come across it, I hope that if he ever does, Diggerland is enough to reassure him that I am not a danger.

  • Chrusto says:

    MGK is *extremely* problematic unfortunately.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Hmm… do you know what though? I don’t think men who lust after specific models/actresses get these kinds of comments, or indeed are expected to examine every crush they have to the level of abandoning it if the person is problematic.

      I did consider this before I published this post – that he might have done something extremely awful – so your comment is not coming wildly out of the blue. As a general rule, if I find out someone’s done something appalling, I’ll probably stop fancying them, but that’s *exactly* why I deliberately didn’t look up anything about The Dude it’s written about (a fact I think/hope is clear from the text). I wanted to focus entirely on that surface-level stuff. I also deliberately avoided naming him (and suggesting a few other alternative That Guys as well!) so it wouldn’t be about *him as a person*, but *him as a token piece of hot tattooed eye candy.*

      I think what I’m saying here is that I am consciously and deliberately objectifying him, so I don’t have to care about his opinions. Objects don’t have opinions! I think this is an acceptable thing to do, because it gender-flips a societal script which usually allows straight men to lust after women purely on the basis of their physical form, with no regard paid to their minds/opinions. And I like doing that.

      [on reflection this comment comes across a bit snarkier/more defensive than I intended tho – apologies! I think it’s an interesting thing to discuss and I expected/hoped for this discussion so I’m sorry for not being a bit more circumspect in how I replied to you!]

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