What do you do after sex? Chat, maybe? Fall asleep? Sometimes a fuck is so energetic that when you’re catching your breath afterwards you barely have the energy left to high-five. Perhaps your post-sex ritual involves a large bacon sandwich and a coffee with two sugars.
Whatever floats your boat: despite having been super-judgy about it in the past when I was young and wrong, the post-sex ritual is as individual as the shag itself. Some couples need peace and quiet, others need coffee, but for me there’s one thing I always do once the spunk has settled: a kind of sexual post-match analysis.
Now, I’m not talking here about probing questions. To my mind there’s nothing more cringeworthy than someone asking me directly afterwards: ‘how was it?’ or ‘did you come?’ No one’s ever gone straight in with the former, but a few have tried the latter and made me want to weep.
My after sex ritual
Recently I did an interview in which I was asked me for my favourite sex tip. Naturally I panicked like a rabbit in the headlights. So far I’ve only really found one universal trick to blow someone’s mind in bed, and it’s got nothing to do with banging. Sex advice like ‘be respectful’ or ‘communicate’ is often far too vague, and realistically anyone who isn’t already an out-and-out douchebag would know it already.
So I went for an after-sex tip instead: every time you shag, wrap it up with at least one compliment.
Like ‘it was so hot when you spread my cheeks‘
Or ‘that thing you did with the butt plug? Let’s do that again.’
If you’re reading this blog, you may already do this – round off a fun time by offering a compliment on one detail you enjoyed in particular. But not everyone does. In fact, the interviewer told me it wasn’t something she, or her partners, generally did. When I asked on twitter, there were a fair few people who said they rarely or never offered specific compliments.
How often do you give a specific compliment after sex i.e. ‘great dirty talk today’/’LOVE that position’?
— Girl on the Net (@girlonthenet) March 5, 2016
Often there’s a good reason – the sex may have been so amazing that you couldn’t muster any words. Or so awful that you won’t be back for seconds. And there are presumably plenty of other situations where you just don’t want to say anything. Awkwardness, tiredness, or because you’re waiting for the other one to speak first.
The value of compliments after sex
I’m not here to tell you what to do, but if you struggle with sexual communication, then post-shag analysis is often a great way to get started on broader discussions about your likes and fantasies. You don’t have to write a bucket list as long as War and Peace, you could just say:
“The way you gripped my wrist to flip me over was SO HOT.”
“God I love it when you let me watch you touch yourself.”
“Holy fucking shit your dick was SO hard and satisfying.”
It might sound like I’m a gobby twat, and I probably am. But I think chucking out a specific compliment, immediately after a shag, is incredibly valuable.
Firstly, you get to make your sexy comments while they’re still fresh in your mind. Saves having to write a post-it note later that says “REMEMBER to tell Bob his dick was super-hard.”
Secondly, it gives your partner a lovely warm glow, and the kind of feedback that’ll come in handy for the next time you get down to it.
Thirdly, it may prompt them to tell you what you’re doing well too.
Embracing a quick after-sex chat can help get the ball rolling on bigger issues too, especially if you’re one of the people who’s likely to write to a sex blogger saying ‘my wife only rarely does X. How can I get her to do it more?’ It’s much easier – and kinder – to raise a compliment than a criticism. ‘That shag was particularly awesome – great dirty talk!’ is streaks ahead of ‘you need to do more dirty talk.’
Like I say, this may seem obvious to many of you. But I get a fair few emails from people asking how to communicate about sex with their partner – ‘how do I tell X I’m into Y?’ or ‘how can I get my partner to be a bit more Z in the bedroom?’ Occasionally I get the saddest ones: ‘how do I tell my partner I don’t like something?’
Naturally the route you take with any of these is going to depend on context, but what I can tell you is that the best people I’ve ever shagged have been the ones who offered compliments either after, or during, a fuck.
You’re great at that.
Loved that lubed-up hand-job.
If a shag was flat-out, 100% awful, then fair enough – that’s a very different conversation. But most sex has at least something you can find to praise afterwards – the quality of orgasm, a particularly satisfying spank, the noise they made when you gripped their cock and squeezed just right. A position that hit the place you needed it to. A toy you tried out that you want to use again. A word. A sound. A feeling.
None of this negates the need for excellent pre-sex communication – “Tonight I really want you to X my Y” or what have you. Nor is it a hard and fast rule that I think Everyone Should Obey. It just occurred to me, after that interview, that if you’re struggling to communicate your desires, you might want to have a bash at the sexy post-shag analysis.
It gives your partner something to smile about, and gives you something to look forward to next time.