The one thing I always do after sex

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

What do you do after sex? Chat, maybe? Fall asleep? Sometimes a fuck is so energetic that when you’re catching your breath afterwards you barely have the energy left to high-five. Perhaps your post-sex ritual involves a large bacon sandwich and a coffee with two sugars.

Whatever floats your boat: despite having been super-judgy about it in the past when I was young and wrong, the post-sex ritual is as individual as the shag itself. Some couples need peace and quiet, others need coffee, but for me there’s one thing I always do once the spunk has settled: a kind of sexual post-match analysis.

Now, I’m not talking here about probing questions. To my mind there’s nothing more cringeworthy than someone asking me directly afterwards: ‘how was it?’ or ‘did you come?’ No one’s ever gone straight in with the former, but a few have tried the latter and made me want to weep.

My after sex ritual

Recently I did an interview in which I was asked me for my favourite sex tip. Naturally I panicked like a rabbit in the headlights. So far I’ve only really found one universal trick to blow someone’s mind in bed, and it’s got nothing to do with banging. Sex advice like ‘be respectful’ or ‘communicate’ is often far too vague, and realistically anyone who isn’t already an out-and-out douchebag would know it already.

So I went for an after-sex tip instead: every time you shag, wrap it up with at least one compliment.

Like ‘it was so hot when you spread my cheeks

Or ‘that thing you did with the butt plug? Let’s do that again.’

If you’re reading this blog, you may already do this – round off a fun time by offering a compliment on one detail you enjoyed in particular. But not everyone does. In fact, the interviewer told me it wasn’t something she, or her partners, generally did. When I asked on twitter, there were a fair few people who said they rarely or never offered specific compliments.

Often there’s a good reason – the sex may have been so amazing that you couldn’t muster any words. Or so awful that you won’t be back for seconds. And there are presumably plenty of other situations where you just don’t want to say anything. Awkwardness, tiredness, or because you’re waiting for the other one to speak first.

The value of compliments after sex

I’m not here to tell you what to do, but if you struggle with sexual communication, then post-shag analysis is often a great way to get started on broader discussions about your likes and fantasies. You don’t have to write a bucket list as long as War and Peace, you could just say:

“The way you gripped my wrist to flip me over was SO HOT.”

Or

“God I love it when you let me watch you touch yourself.”

Or

“Holy fucking shit your dick was SO hard and satisfying.”

It might sound like I’m a gobby twat, and I probably am. But I think chucking out a specific compliment, immediately after a shag, is incredibly valuable.

Firstly, you get to make your sexy comments while they’re still fresh in your mind. Saves having to write a post-it note later that says “REMEMBER to tell Bob his dick was super-hard.”

Secondly, it gives your partner a lovely warm glow, and the kind of feedback that’ll come in handy for the next time you get down to it.

Thirdly, it may prompt them to tell you what you’re doing well too.

Embracing a quick after-sex chat can help get the ball rolling on bigger issues too, especially if you’re one of the people who’s likely to write to a sex blogger saying ‘my wife only rarely does X. How can I get her to do it more?’ It’s much easier – and kinder – to raise a compliment than a criticism. ‘That shag was particularly awesome – great dirty talk!’ is streaks ahead of ‘you need to do more dirty talk.’

Like I say, this may seem obvious to many of you. But I get a fair few emails from people asking how to communicate about sex with their partner – ‘how do I tell X I’m into Y?’ or ‘how can I get my partner to be a bit more Z in the bedroom?’ Occasionally I get the saddest ones: ‘how do I tell my partner I don’t like something?’

Naturally the route you take with any of these is going to depend on context, but what I can tell you is that the best people I’ve ever shagged have been the ones who offered compliments either after, or during, a fuck.

That’s good.

You’re great at that.

Loved that lubed-up hand-job.

If a shag was flat-out, 100% awful, then fair enough – that’s a very different conversation. But most sex has at least something you can find to praise afterwards – the quality of orgasm, a particularly satisfying spank, the noise they made when you gripped their cock and squeezed just right. A position that hit the place you needed it to. A toy you tried out that you want to use again. A word. A sound. A feeling.

None of this negates the need for excellent pre-sex communication – “Tonight I really want you to X my Y” or what have you. Nor is it a hard and fast rule that I think Everyone Should Obey. It just occurred to me, after that interview, that if you’re struggling to communicate your desires, you might want to have a bash at the sexy post-shag analysis.

It gives your partner something to smile about, and gives you something to look forward to next time.

12 Comments

  • this is such a small tender gesture, and hopefully there is something nice to say! it can open up a whole lot of wonderful things i think, people like to be reinforced!!!

  • Mr B says:

    My partner enjoys a small coma after sex, for some odd reason iv gotten in the habit of reading a book. Usually nonfiction, the more arcane and intellectual the better. My mind just feels alive to learn things.

    This has become such a habit that when we went away for a few nights last year I was puzzled why I wasn’t getting in to what should have been hot hotel fucking. It dawned on me later I hadn’t brought any reading material to occupy myself while Mrs B lay in our filth consumed in her “little death”.

  • Mrs Fever says:

    With hubs, I have been known to say “thank you” followed by “I really needed that” or “that was intense” or “I might actually be able to sleep now” or “I need more… But give me a minute.” It’s never a question whether I came – he’s not done until I have; that’s just how we roll – so the “thank you” is basically the follow-up to the pre-sex ‘foreplay’ (I loved your ‘Foreplay for People Who Suck at Foreplay’ post ~ that’s TOTALLY us) that usually goes, “Will you give me an orgasm please?” {I can be demanding, but I have manners. :) } There is also often snuggling and laughing and general chit-chattery, with an occasional snooze.

    The thing that immediately came to mind when I read your title though, was “Pee.” I pretty much always pee immediately before and after sex. It’s not sexy (unless you’re into that), but I have a long and painful history with UTIs. I’ve learned to avoid them at all costs.

  • Jessy says:

    Great post! And where can we read your interview??

  • Funloving Girl says:

    Yes. That! My partner does this and it is super-hot and awesome. Compliments straight afterwards lying in each other’s arms are wonderful. Even better is when he takes time to reflect and then sends a text. Recent one: “I think that was my longest ever orgasm!” Unnngghh

  • Frank says:

    Smoke a cigarette and try my best to convince her my exploding whoa happens so fast because of a lack combined with really I get some too late for you is ey always on time for me when ur stingy call me greedy or what ever else let’s just do it again it’s always amazing my luck at least ah good times

  • Steve says:

    Hello from Lancashire

    I sneeze a lot! And my wife after an especially good sesson (partticularily anal whilst she uses a wand on her clit) giggles uncontrollably!!

  • Leslie says:

    I get the giggles after (sometimes even during). So far, I’ve reassured them (without having to actually explain) that it is a REALLY good thing. I recently had a partner who was AMAZING with his hands, and I let him know he was a magician.

  • Banquo says:

    I’m trying to remember if we had any after sex rituals, apart from my wife dashing to the loo before my spunk could dribble as far as her knees, but it’s been a LONG time, so I’m not sure. I’d often go and make drinks for us and bring them back to bed to enjoy as we lay in our post-coital glow.

    I certainly remember telling her about a few things she did that drove me bonkers. There was the first time when she was on top that she uncharacteristically shuffled up and stuck her cunt in my face, then rode me hard after I’d given her a good tongue lashing. Apart from asking me later, why I was smiling when she was upright, riding me, I told her after we’d finished that she could stick her fanny in my face as often as she liked. Unfortunately, it only happened once more, when we were on holiday in a Club 16-30 hotel in Majorca.

    I frequently told her how I loved her cold hands on my balls and the way her cunt gripped my dick harder on the upstroke when we were doing missionary with her on top. One thing I told her both during and after the fact, was the way that rolling her palm around my bell-end could bring me to within a heartbeat of blowing my load and hold me there, almost in a trance, without actually taking me over the edge.

    The best thing I can remember her once saying to me, after she caught her breath, was that she was surprised not to see bruises on my shoulders from the way she gripped them as she ground herself against me while lying on top, and experiencing the most intense orgasm she’d ever had.

  • Banquo says:

    Correction. Club 18-30.

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