I’ve just finished publishing a trilogy of stories based off a wank fantasy I have about confession. When I’m masturbating to the idea of it, I don’t tend to fill in all the details – I get a feeling for most of the back story without ever needing to flesh it out. What’s more, there are elements of the story that exist in my head which won’t make it to the page for various reasons, both practical and ethical. Because this particular fantasy required a fair amount of adaptation and thought, I thought it’d be a good opportunity to write about the process of turning a grubby wank fantasy into public porn.
Let’s start with the important part: I have very little imagination. That might sound like a weird thing to admit as a writer, but I think it’s true. I’m so often blown away by the erotic fiction that my colleagues write – the careful way they’ve developed characters and stories, and the creative scenarios they come up with that often sit outside their own direct experience. I’m doubly amazed by people who can write custom fiction to order: receive a list of kinks to tick off like a shopping list, then create a horny piece of work that does it for someone specific, even if it doesn’t come close to matching the author’s own desires. It’s a skill, and although I’ve tried my hand at it a few times, I don’t think I have ever managed to develop it beyond the basics. That’s why the vast majority of what you read here is true. I find it much easier to tap into real feelings and memories than to invent something brand new from scratch. Even things that read like fantasy – such as this post about wanting to fuck someone with a strap on, or wanting a guy to call me into his office for some stress-relieving sex – are based on real life people, and spring from ideas that we’ve shared together.
When I write erotic fiction, 99% of the time you’re reading stories that started as grubby wank fantasies in my head. That’s why they often hit the same exact themes: dominant men with aching erections humiliating women through use or degradation. Emptying their balls into her/me just because they want to. Sex and kink as punishment and control. A lot of my fantasies are often very similar, and I don’t mind that at all because they work for me.
But the things which work for me are usually very short snippets of a much broader story. I ‘know’ the rest of the story in my head, and the rest of the story is vital – back story, tone, plot – but I rarely have to force myself to flesh it out. The plot behind the porn just sits there in my head, giving context to the fantasy itself but never really needing to be explored. It doesn’t need to be visualised or imagined, it just is.
Which leads me to this trilogy: Confess.
Part 1 (gang bang in a bar) here.
Part 2 (tell me where you’ve been) here.
Part 3 (look at yourself) here.
What do I find hot about the ‘confess’ fantasy?
Spoilers in this paragraph if you care: a woman and her partner arrange for her to visit a filthy dive bar that’s full of men. She goes alone, with the aim of getting fucked every which way by as many of them will have her. Then she returns home to her partner, who compels her to confess to her various sins. Standing over her with a belt, he whips her proffered palms as she tells him some of the story, then bends her over the desk for a beating with a belt. When she thinks she’s ready to tell him the actual truth, he takes her into a separate room where he reveals that he had video footage of the whole thing. So he makes her narrate what she did while wanking him off, and then getting beaten, as her sins play out in front of them both on the screen.
To be really blunt: when I’m wanking to this, I don’t give much of a fuck what this woman does in the bar. In my head, the important parts of the ‘confess’ trilogy happen in part two (when she’s ordered to confess while being whipped), and part three (narrating the video of her ‘crimes’ while wanking him off, or getting beaten for each infraction). My personal fantasy centres around the punishment she’s given, not the original sins.
The thing that turns me on here isn’t a woman getting fucked by a bunch of strangers (hot, but nothing special if you’ve ever seen mainstream porn), it’s the self-righteous, misogynist lust for punishment in the mind of her partner. Her sins only matter because I want him to feel a false sense of righteousness when he dispenses the beating. I enjoy the way he grows harder and hornier the more slutty her sins are – the fact that dispensing strokes of the belt makes his dick twitch and ache. No offence to women (I love them, and I am one), but the porn in my head is not about them. In my fantasies, my focus is on the man – what he says, what he does, why he does it – and the women are ultimately just objects onto which the man I am getting off on can enact his lust.
Turning private fantasies into public porn
When I originally started writing this fantasy for the blog, I began chronologically and tried to write about the sins – which exact slutty acts the main character had committed in order to warrant such a beating. I came up short. I stared for a long time at a blank page considering various configurations of dicks and holes and what might go where and when.
The thing which helped to get the story flowing was allowing myself to focus on the parts that actually turned me on: i.e. parts 2 and 3. After a few hours of trying and failing to write some shape into ‘what happened before’, I gave up and allowed myself to just pour out the detail of the punishment that happened after. That only took an hour or so to get on the page and was a genuine joy to do. By which I mean ‘I had to go for a wank the second I’d done it because I’d made myself so horny’. I don’t claim to be a writing expert, but if you’re thinking of setting down your own erotic fantasies, this is what I’d offer by way of advice: ignore your first line, your opening paragraph, your backstory or whatever. Begin by writing the parts that compel you. What turns you on most? Which beats/phrases/scenarios/positions do you wank to? A blank page is a frightening thing, but if you let your arousal power the first thousand words, you can always add the boring bits in later.
So I wrote parts 2 and 3, focusing on the details of the punishment that I found especially hot, and throwing in just enough information about what she might have done to warrant this sexy sexy discipline to tease the reader into wanting to know more. Only after I’d finished both those parts and allowed myself a good, hard wank about it did I bother trying to work out what that actually was. I knew it would matter to readers, at least a little, but it was spectacularly unimportant to me. To be honest, when I’m wanking, that part only really exists in fragments, which might change depending on my mood. When the guy who is punishing her shows a video of what she has done, it’s the showing of the video that matters more to my arousal than what’s actually happening on screen.
Why not publish it in chronological order?
I began the series by publishing part 2 – the start of the punishment – even though I’d already written all three parts. I did this for two reasons. Firstly, because I think part 2 is the hottest and I wanted to show it off as a story in its own right. This was me trying to be a professional writer, making an editorial decision. I wanted you to experience the story in the same way I would if I were wanking, i.e. the way that I personally think is the hottest. Even if you care about what happened before, I think you can enjoy the tease of wondering what she could have done, filling in the blanks yourself about what her supposed ‘crimes’ might have been. I dropped hints, like a grain of sand in an oyster, but wanted you to let your own imagination form that into a pearl.
In the same way I firmly believe horror is more frightening if you never see the monster (shoutout to Jeepers Creepers for being the seminal example of how true this is), I also believe that a lot of porn is hotter if it plants ideas in your head and lets you fill in a few blanks with your own kinks/desires/dirty talk/whatever. It’s one of the reasons I don’t get on as well with hardcore porn that opens with everyone already naked and fucking: I need a hint of backstory at the very least. Tone. Vibe. I need to not only know that they are fucking, but why. Otherwise how can I imagine how each person feels?
The other reason I started with part 2 was because I was curious to see whether anyone else might feel the same way I do. After publishing part 2 I gave commenters the option of picking ‘before’ or ‘after’ for the next post. What do you want: more punishment, or backstory? I was genuinely surprised that more people requested the ‘before’ than the ‘after’, because – as explained above – I personally think the ‘before’ is boring. I mean, yeah, it’s a gang bang in a bar. But there are tonnes of ‘gang bang in a bar’ stories that give you the bare bones basics of who did what to whom, where each dick went and where the spunk landed. This one isn’t particularly special. It isn’t even set somewhere fun like on a tube train.
I feel bad saying this, because some people left very nice comments on part 1 – telling me they loved the story and the tone. I suspect the lesson from this is just that no matter how many porn stories I spaff out into the world, I will never be able to correctly predict how they might land with an audience. Even after fifteen years of blogging, I am still learning a lot about what works and what doesn’t. Besides, you lot voted before you knew anything about either before or after. If you’d been picturing ‘after’ as ‘then they both went for ice cream and had a nice cuddle’, I can see why ‘before’ might have held a little more sway.
That’s one of the problems with turning private fantasies into public porn: although I know everything that happens without ever needing to unravel a full story, when I’m translating it for you lot it needs to have a timeline. A narrative. It needs to actually make sense.
Context is key
A few people commented that they wanted the ‘before’ because they thought that – narratively – it would make a better story to know what she did before they saw the denouement of her punishment. And obviously I can’t tell you what’s hotter in someone else’s head, only mine, but I thoroughly disagree. To me, the ideal order in which to post that story would have been:
Part 2: punishment/confession with a couple of tiny details.
Part 3: further punishment, the realisation that confession was futile and now the punishment will be increased, with a few more details about her sins.
Part 1: description of the sins, now rendered immeasurably hotter for knowing exactly what she’ll suffer for each and every cock that slides in. Every cum shot that’s dispensed. Each ‘thank you’ she utters when she swallows a fat load of spunk.
In my head, the main character’s sins/crimes/sluttery are only worth bothering to write at all because they add a layer of tone. Getting beaten for no reason is far less hot (to me) than being forced to confess to something very specific. Likewise being a slut is far less hot (to me) than being forced to watch a video of exactly what you did, while taking licks with the belt for each new cock that slides into you on the screen. To me, the ‘before’ can never be as hot as the ‘after’, because the ‘after’ is loaded with all that lovely context: knowing she is punished for a reason. Revealing the actual reason is only sexy because you know – in detail – how she’ll be punished for what she’s done. That’s why I’d go 2, 3, 1 if I were to choose the ‘correct’ order. There’s enough context in parts 2 and 3 that when you ‘reveal’ part 1 later, you complete the circle, and her crimes (even though her ‘crimes’ are just run-of-the-mill gang bang stuff) are magically rendered hot because you know how she’ll be punished for them later.
Talking of punishment though, let’s cover this:
Why is it all so consensual?
Note: discussion of non-consent and rape fantasy. Skip to the final heading if you’d rather not read about this.
I am not ashamed to tell you the following, so pay close attention: when I turn these private fantasies into public porn, they are FAR more consensual than when they play out in my head. Writing things up, I take great pains to include details like:
“once he’s started he isn’t going to stop unless she safewords.”
“A smile threatens to break across her face, but she subdues it.”
“She wants him to beat it out of her.”
“The anticipation, the wondering, the lowkey fear… it’s all part and parcel of the thrill.”
Consent in these stories isn’t just a question of including content notes so you can avoid the posts that feature kinks you find upsetting – consent is woven into the way I tell the story. Adding details about the main character’s desire and lust and motivation. This is important in a piece that involves intense pain and degradation, and it’s simultaneously incredibly fucking annoying to have to do. I would far rather just mark the story as ‘non consent’ if it’s a rape fantasy, or ‘dubious consent’ if it’s coercion, and allow you to enjoy those for exactly what they are. To be blunt again: in my head, the main character does not desire these things. She is coerced, sometimes, more often forced. She is not eager and willing, but reluctant and scared.
I don’t think that fantasising about this in the comfort of my own head is problematic. There are likely many reasons why I find these fantasies a turn-on: some personal, some political. I have examined them from a variety of angles and I can tell you I’m extremely comfortable with the things that turn me on, and there is a very clear (and extremely wide) line/gulf between ‘things I enjoy in my head’ and ‘things I’d enjoy in real life’. Coercion, non-consent, violence, misogyny, rape: all of these things are viscerally repulsive in real life, even though in my head they form the foundation of most things I masturbate about. I wouldn’t be anywhere near as comfortable with these fantasies if I were the aggressor rather than the recipient: not only would that make me uncomfortable, it also couldn’t possibly turn me on. I don’t know how people who have rape fantasies as the rapist square that circle, and to be honest I’ve never discussed it with anyone whose fantasies are the mirror image of mine. Perhaps I am frightened of the answer.
Anyway. It’s all well and good for me to strip consent from a fantasy that only exists in my head, but those fantasies cannot make it into the real world without some heavy editing. For a start, in the past when I have done so, people have pointed out in comments that these fantasies could well cause harm. Leading idiot dudes who lack basic understanding of context to believe that women genuinely do want to be raped, or leading women who have been raped (or are at risk of it) to believe that a sex blogger they thought was safe is actually anything but. No matter what happens in my head, I’m not comfortable throwing fantasy fodder – or excuses for violent behaviour – to dangerous men when they happen to stop by my blog. I’d like for everyone to understand this as a matter of course, but everyone doesn’t, and it’s not responsible for me to act as if they do, if those actions might cause anyone harm.
Turning non-consent fantasies into public porn
The above reason comes from my own personal ethics, after lots of consideration (and more than a few mistakes). But I think that issue could be solved in a way that was honest and considerate, by including explicit explanations of the difference between fantasy and reality when framing these posts: it wouldn’t necessarily change the way I write them, just the way I present them. And that’s what I’d prefer. However! There are other stakeholders who get a say in how and what I write. Patreon has rules, and anything which touches on non consent, dubious consent, coercion, or even real-life role play with my actual partners where we’ve negotiated specific CNC scenes is a no-go for them. It’s a rule that I find distasteful in the extreme, and honestly pretty offensive. The idea that fantasising about non-consent (which, by the way, is incredibly common, especially for those of us more likely to be the victims of sexual violence) somehow makes me a sick and broken person really gets on my tits. For as long as I have had sexual fantasies, I have fantasised about extreme situations in which I (or the woman in the fantasy who acts as a proxy for me) get used, abused, degraded, humiliated, broken, wrecked, whatever. It doesn’t mean I want this to happen in real life, it means I’m a human adult with the capacity to distinguish sandbox play from reality.
But I rely on Patreon to keep this site running. If I want a story to eventually be turned into audio, I need to weave in some consent. I’m not breaking any rules if I admit to you here that most of my wank fantasies lean heavily on rape and reluctance, but if I actually include those themes in a story then they become unpublishable on the platform I rely on for my income. So I make do. The reason I find these rules distasteful, though, is that I think it’s harmful to tell adults that consensual, pleasurable aspects of their sex lives (including fantasy and erotica) are somehow bad or wrong. If I have a job here on this Earth it’s to show you that I am ‘fucked up’ in ways society frowns upon for nebulous reasons it cannot explain, and that I’m not embarrassed by that in the slightest.
I once explained this to a friend – that everything I write on the blog exists in my head in a darker, less consensual form – and he asked me to go into detail. I said no. Partly because – to me – that counts as a sex act and I’d only do it for people I’m actually fucking, but mainly because once I’ve told a particular story to someone else, whether in real life or here on the blog, it has a tendency to lose its power when I’m wanking. You can’t have that one yet, it’s mine – I want to fuck it to pieces before I am ready to share.
The original versions of these fantasies are private, and they change a lot. Often I’ll develop a story over time – swapping scenarios, characters and tone until I have dug deep enough into taboo that this one gets me off even once the last version has been thoroughly wanked to death. That thing anti-porn ‘feminists’ tell you about how watching tube sites is bad because you’ll end up chasing ever-more-disgusting kinks just to get your rocks off? I do that in my head. Come at me for thought crimes, motherfuckers!
When the last version of this fantasy no longer gets me going, I’ll remove a little more consent or increase the disparity in power until I find some new context that does. Maybe I add restraints. Perhaps a more complex type of coercion. Or I’ll turn up the dial on whichever man is dispensing the beating, sticking him in a position of greater power over the woman (boss/secretary, anyone?) or giving him more reason to be brutal and angry. For parts 2 and 3 of this story, you could turn up the dial by imagining he’s a jealous husband who’s extremely controlling, and the gang bang in a bar genuinely happened behind his back. Or perhaps he’s a senior officer in the army she’s enlisted in, and the gang bang happened when she snuck into the men’s barracks at night – they discovered her there and took what they wanted. Maybe she’s the free use secretary and he’s the boss, and he’s seen on CCTV what happened when a bunch of junior execs decided to fuck her in the stationery cupboard.
See what I mean about my fantasies all being the same? They all have similar beats, it’s mostly just the costumes and scenery that change around them.
I can get away with explaining this here, because this post will never go on Patreon. And because I’m not telling you this as porn, but as meta-commentary about the porn. We’re still allowed (thank fuck) to confess to each other that some of our fantasies involve elements of non-consent, we just can’t share the stories of those fantasies without scrubbing them of taboo, sanitising and repackaging them until they’re more palatable to the mainstream. Or rather, to credit card companies like Visa and Mastercard, behemoths that wield extraordinary censorship power over everything in the adult space.
I believe it’s far more unethical to lie about this, though. To pretend to you all that my fantasies are rooted in consent. If I’m honest, one of the main reasons I bothered writing part 1 was that I didn’t think I could convey consent without it – I had to show the main character voluntarily walking into that bar, elucidate her enthusiasm about getting all that cum slung up and over her by strangers. And one of the main reasons I bothered to write this waffle was to make this point in detail. It would be dishonest of me to tell you that the fantasies you read on the blog are the exact ones that happen in my head. Some of them are – usually the ones that are rooted in real life – but most of the time when I turn private fantasies into public porn, you’re getting isn’t raw, it’s a very heavy edit.
Holding water in your hands
I can’t know how any of you think/imagine/dream/fantasise, but the way I do it rarely has a linear narrative. My fantasies don’t start at the beginning and end at the end. In fact, usually when I’m wanking each fantasy will have many different endings. In a story like this one, it might end with him coming inside her cunt the second he slides in because he’s worked himself into such a frenzy with the drawn-out scoldings and beatings that came before. He might realise he’ll struggle to come if he can’t degrade her further and choose to put the belt in her mouth, telling her ‘bite down on this’ before shoving it into her ass. He might come early on, while she’s kneeling and wanking him off and he grabs her by the scruff of her neck then pulls her forwards to shoot ropes all over her tits. More likely, he’ll do all this at once: my brain giving these fuckpuppets the chance to perform every iteration of the ending in the exact same moment. You can do that, when it’s in your mind, there are no laws of physics.
When I write turn these private fantasies into public porn, I have to do something I hate: choose. Pick one particular ending and stick with it. Select one of the many many different hot things he could say as he slides in his cock, or at the moment he comes. In doing so I discard all the other options. The act of pinning down one choice feels like trying to hold a pint of water in my hands: I’m spilling droplets everywhere, and so much is pouring away.
I’ve talked before about why video porn (or written erotica, or audio porn, or any other kind of porn you can think of) will never be as good as the stories that I conjure myself. But by turning those stories into public blogs, with narrative choices and significant omissions and all the flaws that inevitably creep in when you can’t just show people the entire contents of your brain, I’m consigning them to the very same fate. Making them real and therefore less than. Offering you water from my cupped and useless hands, inviting you to take a sip that could never truly hope to quench your thirst (it wouldn’t quench mine).
The second I sit down to type, I’m collapsing the multiverse of possibilities that exist inside my head down into one. I’m dictating a story for you to enjoy, and in the process robbing you of the chance to invent your own. Decide how they fucked and when and why. How many strokes with the belt. Where and when each of them come. Painting in all the possible iterations of your own kinks and desires rather than having them prescribed for you by a stranger with a laptop and a desperate need to be liked.
By writing part three, I deprive you of the opportunity to imagine how her punishment escalated. By writing part one, I snatch away the chance for you to decide what she did in that bar in the first place.
Creation is destruction. And I love to create things – especially if they’re horny. But the reason I started this story in the middle is because I wanted to give you the chance to drink some water of your own. Spend time pondering what might happen next, or what could have happened before. Because I’ve got no imagination, remember? Most of my stories hit very similar beats. Besides, there’s only one of me, and there are tens of thousands of you lot.
What I love far more than writing horny stories is the thought that the stories I write might trigger you to imagine your own endings (or beginnings). That once I’ve let them loose into the world, my bar wench, my free use secretary, or my apocalypse-bunker service slut get enlisted into other people’s adventures. Satisfying kinks and desires that I could never have pictured myself, in the mind of someone new, with a completely different sexual universe to play inside.
Public porn is wonderful and I love to write it, but to me its value is greatest when it sparks new private fantasies in other people. I can only create on the page by destroying what exists in my head. In your head, creation can be infinite.