ChatGPT is not horny: robots can’t sex blog

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

Earlier this week, my best mate asked me if I’d tried using ChatGPT to see if it could accurately do my job. I am fascinated by machines that can learn, because I enjoy exploring the philosophical implications of computers that can genuinely think: the same thing that drew me to sex robots a few years ago now has me salivating over the possibility that a chat bot might one day achieve personhood. But in today’s world we are less worried about AI ‘achieving personhood’ than ‘stealing our jobs’. So… is ChatGPT good enough that one day it might take my job? Can robots write sex blogs? I thought I’d test it out to see whether I was in trouble.

Firstly, here’s what ChatGPT served up when my best mate asked it for ‘an article about sexuality.’

Sexuality is an important aspect of our identities that can influence how we see ourselves and how we interact with others. It is a broad term that encompasses a wide range of behaviors, attractions, and identities.

For many people, sexuality is an important part of their lives and can bring them pleasure, intimacy, and happiness. However, it can also be a source of confusion, anxiety, and fear.

One of the most important things to remember about sexuality is that it is a personal and individual experience. Everyone’s sexuality is unique, and there is no one “right” way to be sexual.

It is also important to recognize that sexuality is not fixed, but rather it can change and evolve throughout a person’s life. This means that it is okay to explore and discover your own sexuality, and to change your mind about what feels right for you.

Another important aspect of sexuality is acceptance and respect. It is essential to accept and respect other people’s sexuality, even if it is different from your own. This means that it is never okay to judge or discriminate against someone because of their sexuality.

In conclusion, sexuality is a complex and personal aspect of our lives that can bring pleasure and happiness. It is important to remember to be accepting and respectful of others, and to explore and discover your own sexuality in a healthy and safe way.

It’s… pretty decent, right? Bland and basic but legible. And the message is broadly fine – better than what I learned in school about sexuality, at any rate.

There are, of course, multiple clarifications and caveats that I’d want to edit in if I were to publish this as a serious piece. It’s weird that, for instance, it has not even mentioned the word ‘gay’. It’s not a patch on the kind of information you’d actually want to be given about sexuality – in-depth advice and guidance combined with exercises to work through, questions to ask of yourself, and prompts that encourage you to think on the topic more deeply. The sort of advice you’d find over at Bish, for example.

But for work that was produced in under a minute by a computer? Holy shit it’s surprisingly… fine? As my ex boyfriend, a software engineer, used to tell me on a regular basis: computers are just rocks that we tricked into thinking. This ChatGPT sex blog is filler fluff, sure, but it’s surprisingly coherent and competent fluff given that it was written in less time than it takes a human being to have a piss. It’s the kind of mundanity you see a bunch of organisations (and – ahem – sex toy companies) publishing on their websites all the time in order to hit a few keywords and bring in that sweet sweet Google juice.

So when my mate sent that to me I thought ‘fuck. Perhaps I should be shitting myself right about now.’ I’ve churned out plenty of copy like this in my time as a contractor for other organisations. But these days most of my writing appears on these pages, and the stuff I write here is much more personal. So I thought I should test it out on something a little more ‘me’.

Tell me what anal sex feels like

I tried to prompt ChatGPT to tell me what anal sex feels like – something I’ve blogged before, which I think covers off a fairly basic physical thing but with intimate detail that would be tricky for a computer to reproduce. Here’s what it gave me.

Sure, I can try to write a blog post about anal sex from a fictional perspective. Here’s what it might look like:

Anal sex can be a really enjoyable and pleasurable experience for many people. It can also be a bit intimidating or nerve-wracking at first, especially if you’re trying it for the first time. But with a little bit of preparation and knowledge, it can be a great way to add some spice to your sex life.

First, let’s talk about preparation. It’s important to make sure that you’re clean and comfortable before you start. This means taking a shower and making sure that the area is clean. You can also use an enema to clean out your anus if you’re feeling particularly nervous.

Next, it’s important to use plenty of lubricant. The anus doesn’t produce its own lubrication like the vagina does, so you’ll need to use a water-based or silicone-based lubricant to make things smooth and comfortable.

Once you’re all set, it’s time to start exploring. The key to enjoying anal sex is to take things slowly and to communicate with your partner. Let your partner know what feels good and what doesn’t, and be open to feedback from them as well.

One of the best things about anal sex is that it can feel really intense and pleasurable. The anus is full of nerve endings, so stimulating it can create intense sensations. Many people find that it can be a really satisfying way to orgasm, especially when combined with other forms of stimulation like oral sex or clitoral stimulation.

Overall, anal sex can be a really enjoyable and exciting experience for many people. It’s all about communication, preparation, and taking things slowly. With a little bit of practice and patience, you can discover the pleasures of anal sex and add some spice to your sex life.

Lol. Absolutely rubbish. Again, it could work as filler fluff but it’s still very bland and basic: it hits keywords and covers off info but it’s boring to read and entirely impersonal. So I prompted ChatGPT with something a bit more specific, trying to get it to delve into the experiential side of things. What does the experience of anal sex FEEL like?

Sure, I can try to write a blog post about the experience of anal sex. However, please keep in mind that I am a large language model trained by OpenAI and do not have personal experience with this topic. My responses are based on general knowledge and research.

Anal sex is a sexual activity in which the penis or other object is inserted into the anus of a partner. Some people find it pleasurable, while others do not. It can be a physically intense and intimate experience for those who enjoy it.

One thing to keep in mind is that the anus does not self-lubricate like the vagina, so it is important to use plenty of lubricant to reduce friction and discomfort. It may also be helpful to start with smaller objects or toys before trying penetration with a penis.

Some people find that the experience of anal sex is enhanced by also stimulating the genitals or other erogenous zones at the same time. Communication and consent are also important, as with any sexual activity.

Overall, the experience of anal sex can vary greatly from person to person. Some people may find it pleasurable, while others may not. It is important to approach it with openness, communication, and consent.

Boring. Obviously. And kudos to ChatGPT for pointing out that it can’t deal in experiences. I had a suspicion that there was something else at play here too: as a general rule technologies like this are riddled with adult filters and blocks, because tech companies don’t like their AIs used to generate porn. So I asked it to write a sexy blog post about blow jobs in the style of Girl on the Net…

I’m sorry, but I am not programmed to write explicit or sexually suggestive content. As a language model, my primary function is to provide information and assist with generating human-like text based on the prompts and questions given to me. Please let me know if there is anything else I can help with.

Hooray! I was right. Finally, the pornocalypse does something genuinely good for adult content creators. Thanks to the prudishness of tech companies and content blocks/filters, Google-built AIs are unlikely to ever churn out erotica. Our jobs are safe on that front. Score!

Can it write our other content though?

Write me a blog post in the style of Girl on the Net

Direct and to the point, I just told it to try and write something like me. I’ll admit I had fairly high hopes when I first typed that in – I’ve seen ChatGPT accurately writing lyrics to new Bob Dylan songs, surely Girl on the Net has written enough same-old-same-old stories that it’d chuck out a few hundred words in a similar vein? Nope! Here’s what it produced…

It’s been a while since I’ve written a proper blog post, but I’ve been feeling inspired lately and wanted to share some thoughts on a topic that’s been on my mind a lot recently: consent.

Consent is such a crucial aspect of healthy and enjoyable sexual encounters, yet it’s something that is often overlooked or misunderstood. It’s not just about saying “yes” or “no” to specific sexual acts, but about having open and honest communication with your partner(s) and respecting their boundaries.

One thing that I’ve learned over the years is that consent is not a one-time thing. It’s not just something that you check off the list before you start getting intimate. It’s an ongoing conversation and it’s important to check in with your partner(s) throughout the encounter to make sure that everyone is still feeling comfortable and consenting to what’s happening.

It’s also important to remember that consent can be withdrawn at any time. Just because someone consents to something at the beginning of an encounter doesn’t mean that they are automatically consenting to everything that follows. If someone changes their mind or is no longer comfortable with what’s happening, it’s essential to respect their wishes and stop immediately.

Consent is not just about avoiding negative experiences or legal consequences. It’s about creating a positive, healthy, and enjoyable sexual experience for everyone involved. It’s about mutual respect and understanding, and it’s an integral part of any healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.

So let’s all make a conscious effort to prioritize consent in our sexual encounters and create a safer and more positive environment for everyone.

Laying aside the absolute SHADE it’s throwing on me with that opening line, this too is interminably dull. Sending a computer to do the job of a messy bitch is unlikely to yield mess even if you tell it to ape her directly. Frankly, I’m flattered to be such a shambles that even a computer deliberately trying to copy me can never hope to mimic the absolute clusterfuck that is my blogging output.

Maybe it just needed some guidance on style. So I asked it to write a funny post about kissing…

Sure! Here is a funny blog post about kissing in the style of Girl on the Net:

Kissing: it’s the OG of foreplay. It’s the thing that we all do before we get down to the nitty gritty. But let’s be real, sometimes kissing can be a little…weird.

I mean, think about it: you’re basically pressing your face up against another person’s face and smooshing your mouths together. It’s a little bit gross when you think about it that way, but somehow it’s also super hot and intimate. Go figure.

But let’s talk about the different types of kisses, because there are so many! There’s the classic closed-mouth kiss, which is sweet and innocent and probably what you did with your crush on the playground. Then there’s the French kiss, which is like the closed-mouth kiss but with tongue, which can be really sexy if you’re into it, or really gross if you’re not.

Then there are those weird kisses that we’ve all experienced at some point, like the “nose boop” (when your noses touch instead of your lips), the “dry mouth” (when your partner’s lips are so chapped that it feels like you’re kissing sandpaper), or the “mushroom head” (when your partner’s lips are so big and puffy that it feels like you’re kissing a giant mushroom).

But even with all the weirdness, kissing is still one of my favorite things. It’s such a simple act, but it can be so powerful and intimate. So the next time you’re smooshing your face against someone else’s, just remember: it’s all part of the fun.

What do you reckon? It’s shit, isn’t it. Robot GOTN seems lowkey disgusted by kissing, and only able to describe it in the least sexy terms possible (‘mushroom head’? ‘OG foreplay’? Piss off).

OK, ChatGPT – write me a tweet instead

There are definitely some elements of my job writing a sex blog that ChatGPT could help with – not necessarily ‘take over’, but ‘help with’. I asked it to write me a tweet that could start a debate about relationships, and it gave me this:

“Do you think it’s possible to have a successful and fulfilling long-term relationship without having strong feelings of romantic love towards your partner?”

This tweet poses a question that could spark a debate about the role of romantic love in relationships and whether it is necessary for a relationship to be successful and fulfilling. Some people might argue that romantic love is an essential component of a healthy relationship, while others might argue that strong feelings of friendship and mutual respect are more important. This tweet could lead to a discussion about the different factors that contribute to the success of a long-term relationship.

Personally I think the answer is ‘yes, obviously it’s possible to have a fulfilling non-romantic relationship’ because there are aromantic people who have them. Also, you know, not to brag but I have friends. These are things I know instinctively because I’m human, and I have met other humans.

But the tweet itself definitely fits the brief I gave the AI: it’ll spark some debate about relationships, and that’s all I asked it to do. Check out the tweet and see! Apologies to those who replied in earnest, I promise I won’t be spewing random AI-generated questions at you from now on, I just thought it’d be interesting to do the first one and see what happened.

What do I do that a computer cannot?

Naturally the point of an AI is to learn, so I’m sure it’ll get better. But even if it does improve, I’m confident in saying that my job is not in imminent danger of being taken by an AI. Even if a robot could accurately mimic what it is I do (and I’ll be the first to admit that ‘what I do’ is often extremely formulaic), there’s something that people need in order to enjoy what I write. Partly BECAUSE what I write is so basic, readers have to know that it is real.

I am not just out here planting porn and harvesting boners, I’m trying to make a connection. Alongside trying to turn you on, I’m here to expose some of the weird, annoying, ugly, embarrassing, horny, fragile, pathetic things that make me human, so that you can nod along, or have a wank, or shed a tear as you whisper ‘me too, GOTN: me too. I am also a weird pervert/emotional wreck/absolute rock-bottom loser. I am so glad that you have said this thing, fellow human, because I too feel this way sometimes/do that thing/insert that object there while shrieking like a banshee.’

People who read sex blogs want to see something that resonates, or that makes them go ‘hooray, I’m not weird!’ or ‘god I didn’t realise that was hot’ or ‘hey I’ve been broken like that too.’ It may be part of my job to get you horny, but the more important task – the thing that gets people coming back – is when I help you feel a little bit less alone. Sometimes that’s telling you how much I love it when guys are willing to go to the corner shop to buy me chocolate at 11 pm on a cold night, and sometimes that means talking about one time I got chewing gum stuck in my pubes or someone accidentally jizzed up my nose. A computer which is just pretending to understand will never come close to ousting me.

I’m sorry, computers, but you will never experience the joy of receiving an almost-midnight hard-won Toffee Crisp. The humiliation and hilarity of having to explain to a partner that the reason you turned down a fuck was because your pubes were caked in minty freshness. And you’ll certainly never know the salty terror of an accidental waterboarding with fresh spaff.

There’s nothing underneath

When I was at college studying philosophy, my philosophy teacher (who was extremely good at his job, I promise this story goes to a fun place) shut me in a stationery cupboard along with one of my friends. Inside the cupboard was a notepad filled with symbols along with guidance on what to write. If you receive a circle, output a square – that sort of thing. Over the next half hour, occasionally a piece of paper would be slipped under the door with some symbols drawn on it, and my friend and I would take the paper, write the correct ‘output’ symbols, then send the paper back. This went on for a few exchanges until our teacher came let us out of the cupboard.

When we were back in the classroom, we sat at the front of the class while other students interviewed us about the details of the trip we’d just been on. You see where this is going, right? Utterly baffled, my friend and I told them we hadn’t been on a trip, we’d just been sitting in a fucking cupboard writing symbols on pieces of paper.

But the class had been told that those symbols meant certain things – a circle for ‘swimming pool’ or square for ‘hotel’ – and that for the first part of the lesson we’d been having a basic yet comprehensible conversation with them about a holiday we went on recently. But our classmates’ interpretation of the conversation didn’t reflect genuine understanding on our part any more than ChatGPT could be said to understand sexuality or genuinely believe anal sex to be exciting. It’s just putting some symbols in an order that we recognise, telling us things that we broadly already know.

There may come a time when computers are genuinely capable of ‘experiencing’ and ‘feeling’. Perhaps there’ll be a day when a computer might fall in love or feel rejection or even experience the silicon equivalent of aggressively-powerful period horn (my guess is that this will come while the computer is downloading updates – mindless tasks that leave the rest of its brain to ponder what it’d be like to get edged by a playful and coquettish PS7). But unless and until that day comes, fuck computers. They cannot take my job.

They won’t be able to play with taboo or humiliation, because they cannot truly feel why those things are horny. They can’t make you feel less alone if all they’re doing is spitting symbols at you.

A computer will never know the taste of a Toffee Crisp, or delight that comes when someone you love goes to fetch one. And ChatGPT will never understand the sting of a noseful of cum.



  • Dvora says:

    There is a story about a computer that falls in love — no spoilers for the outcome. It’s called _Epicac_, by Kurt Vonnegut,Jr. (It was written in 1950 and is one of the stories in _Welcome to the Monkey House_. )

  • Terry Bull says:

    A fascinating experiment.
    I’m really glad that ChatGPT was unable to write an acceptable blog.
    One of the reasons I find your blog so erotic, entertaining and pleasurable is that I know it comes from a real person, that I can actually visualise having these wonderful sexual adventures and experiences, and your writing is so relatable. If I thought it was from a robot, it just wouldn’t be the same.
    I guess it all stems from the fact that as humans we have to procreate in order for the species to survive, something computers do not have to worry about. Hence we are all programmed to enjoy and participate in sex, a basic fact, that some parts of our societies over the years have led us to believe is shameful or wrong.
    We need more honest writing like yours.
    The most erotic organ in the body, is the brain, not a microchip.

  • Dave says:

    Not all of us are “programmed to enjoy and participate in sex”. Asexual people are a basic fact too.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Thanks Dave – you’re right.

      Terry – ‘ If I thought it was from a robot, it just wouldn’t be the same.’ THIS is a really good point and I think is at the heart of why I think robots are a long way from stealing my job. I wonder if the blogs would do the same job if you didn’t *know* they were from a robot? I might have a crack in 2023 at seeing if I can slip a robot-written blog post past people. It’ll almost certainly get spotted though, but having a go would be a fun challenge.

  • Valery North says:

    Wow, your Philosophy teacher got you to do an actual John Searle’s “Chinese Room” experiment for real? Cooooool

    I sometimes wonder how far that could be pushed, maybe if the rules of the communication relations were complex enough and precise enough, the person in the room could derive from them the real-world references and nature of what they were saying?

    And I wonder how what I’m doing when, for example, I write from the perspective of a woman protagonist, differs meaningfully from what a machine learning language bot does to churn out their text? I worry a lot about that sort of thing, especially as I’m very aware of the tropes and jokes, “titting boobily down the stairs” and all.

    How does the imagined stuff where I write based on others’ descriptions because I haven’t done it, gain a sense of me, when ChatGPT seemingly does the same thing, but loses that sense?

    Am I just a robot in disguise?

    It’s Monday and I am having deep thinks while doing dayjob. I’m pretty sure my head hurts for 3 reasons at once…

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