On sex blogging, and why I’m not ashamed

The first ever words on the first ever page of my first ever book

The internet is a dark and dangerous place – it hides far more of your secrets than you think, and with infinite time even a monkey at a Mac could collate a dossier of your drunken, mis-typed shame.

So why put more of it out there? Why start sex blogging, and wash your torn, jizz-stained knickers for the world, his wife and your mother to stumble across when they’d rather be watching the iPlayer? Why write not just a few blogs about love, Valentine’s Day and HuffPo’s shockingly bad advice on dating but the more sordid things too? Piss-play, swinging, getting spanked by hot boys, etc. For many people the idea of posting sexy things makes their blood run cold, but I’m obviously happy to do it, and here’s why:

Everything you do can be watched, recorded, put online, commented on, mocked, and forgotten next week. Your nearest and dearest might not be able to follow you into a swingers’ club but there’s always a slim possibility they’ll be sitting in the back room, cock in hand, when you show up. Everything you do has an element of risk. Send me an email? I could copy it. Take a picture of your dick? Someone could steal your camera. Have a wank on a train? Those electronic door locks might just fail as a horrified fellow commuter walks in for a pee. You take calculated risks every day.

OK, so writing down my exact thoughts on masturbation, and the majority of my past sexual history might be an unnecessary risk. The problem is that the benefits – being able to be open and honest about things, share stories with people and have them share theirs with me in return – feel like they outweigh the risks. As with everything in life, it’s a judgment call. Risk getting diseases from a hot guy because you haven’t got any condoms? Fuck no. Risk letting my parents find out that I like to do dirty things? Hell yes. The absolute worst that could happen is that they find out a bit more about me than they want to, and what’s a freaky sex life between blood relatives? They’d be more upset if I had a drug problem, or a terminal illness.

Why are we so much more worried about people knowing the sexy secrets of our life? Why are we supposed to be ashamed? These questions are rhetorical – I know why we’re supposed to be ashamed. It’s because sex is gross, it’s freaky: it’s something that women in particular shouldn’t admit to a need for. It’s a tool for advertisers to make us purchase things and a currency with which we might want to buy affection but it can’t be something we enjoy just for the hell of it.

The thing is, I’m not ashamed – I tell people. Probably more people than any of my partners think. I tell people because I’m proud, and horny, and because shagging two guys at the same time is one of my life’s happiest moments. I tell people because every now and then I get high-fived. I tell people because sometimes the boys I’m fucking like me to whisper stories in their ear.

If we’re talking about shame, I’m more likely to cringe when I remember times I’ve lied, or deliberately hurt people, or growled at tourists who stand on the wrong side of the escalator.  Over the past 29 years I’ve done many things that are cruel or stupid or misjudged – things that have upset complete strangers, made friends miserable, or hurt the people who care about me.

With all that sadness sitting guiltily on my shoulders, why would I ever be ashamed of the love?

I wrote this blog to explain the subtitle of my book – My not-so-shameful sex secrets – because really, given all the awful things we humans can do, sex is a hell of a long way down the ‘shameful’ list. Here’s how the book begins. 


  • Me says:

    Great post and love the blog! Just info if you aren’t aware – herpes is one of the STDs that can still be passed on even with correct condom usage (though it does reduce the risk) because herpes can affect areas beyond the covered shaft that still comes into contact with you.

    See: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Genital-herpes/Pages/Prevention.aspx

  • ADC says:

    So you’re not ashamed. And yet you’re anonymous. You’re prepared to run the risk, however small, by being published in a proper book, of being outed against your will. But you’re not putting yourself out there, thus keeping maximum control. But most of all, by staying anonymous, you’re declining to challenge the social norm that says being public about sex is shameful – for a woman especially. While saying its wrong, you’re playing along with it. You’re a bundle of contradictions.

    • Girlonthenet may not be ashamed, but the vast majority of employers damned well are. She might not be able to live off the proceeds of her book, and needs to remain employable in whatever field she’s chosen to work in; this will necessitate anonymity. Brooke Magnanti didn’t let her persona slip until she was on the verge of being outed, by when she had a successful career established.

      It is unfortunate that she can’t be open about her identity on her blog and in her book, but I can understand why, for now, it’s necessary for her to remain hidden to that extent.

      • Girl on the net says:

        Exactly what she said – and I couldn’t have put it better myself. If I didn’t need a day job I wouldn’t need the pseudonym. I deliberately avoid mentioning work wherever possible (including in this blog entry, so fair enough for picking me up on it because it was conspicuously absent) because the less I refer to my day job the less likely they are to find a reason to fire me if they ever find out who I am.

  • Foundling says:

    Do there exist paper copies of this book? For those of us that would like to read it and haven’t got e-reading facilities?

  • *I tell people because I’m proud, and horny, and because shagging two guys at the same time is one of my life’s happiest moments.*

    Ditto. I’m not ashamed at all and I tell all of my friends and partners who are interested in listening. Loving sex and having lots of it is nothing to be ashamed of.

  • Much the same here…I love to read others’ thoughts and experiences involving sex and I feel freer and learn about my own needs and wants by writing about my own. I also use a pen name because of my day job. I live in a small town and have a conservative career that I love…but seriously…I would make national news if my site ever got found out. Which is sad. It shouldn’t be that way. I’m thankful for the right to do this and remain anonymous.

  • John John John says:

    This is all beautiful, but the one part I really don’t understand is your embarrassment/guilt at getting annoyed a tourists standing on the wrong side of the elevator. I know that’s a stupid thing to pick up on with such an eloquently written post concerning far more important things But…

    A cursory glance can tell you in a second or two that you’re clearly not supposed to stand on the wrong side of the escalator. Even if you are completely unfamiliar with how any sort of public transportation system works. A child knows this. It’s nothing to do with being a tourist or being a foreigner. It’s about being stupid. You look, see that every single human being is standing on the right, so you stand on the right. It’s an incredibly simple, instantaneous calculation. And I’ve seen loads of British people do it as well. Idiots are idiots and you shouldn’t feel guilty for being frustrated by them.

  • John John John says:

    I wrote elevator when I meant escalator. Then I wrote escalator when I meant escalator. I am a bit of an idiot as well it seems.

    I’m not making people late though!

  • Pontius says:

    I love this. Came across it by accident via your most recent post. I’ve mentioned before how I love how brave and consistent you are; and I do. But I love this for its lack of militancy. It’s such a beautifully reasonable sounding piece. I love it when you’re ranty, but I love it more when you’re so reasonable. Keep up the good work soldier :)
    Ps: I love it most when it’s filth (obviously) but you know that or I wouldn’t be commenting

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