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On telling everyone

I’ve heard it said that one should never kiss and tell. But I disagree. Naturally. If this were a universal moral truth there’d be no discussion of sex other than as an abstract concept, and certainly no sex blogs for us to get wet and sticky over.

Because I am not a weapons-grade arsehole, I don’t just blunder around writing real-life sex stories without regard for the ethics: I think you can kiss and tell in a way that’s fair. In a way that not only maintains respect for your past partners but also enables you to be open about the more sordid things you’ve done with them.

What the men on the train are saying

“I was slapping her arse and everything, mate.”

As I write this, I’m sitting on a two hour train heading back to London. As on all weekend trains, the token group of obnoxious loud people (in this instance a group of twenty-something guys) have made a beeline for my carriage. On the surface it sounds like they had a pretty hot time this weekend. Yet strangely, if it weren’t for all the guttural guffaws of laughter, if I actually just listened to the words they used, it would be impossible to tell whether they enjoyed themselves or not.

This weekend they either met and shagged some women who fancied them, or made selfish sexual use of some sub-human creatures who made them want to vomit: I cannot tell which.

“She was going at me so hard. I’ve never had so much attention.”

They’re dissecting the sex they had. I believe (although you’ll appreciate I’m relaying this story third hand) that one of them got a blow job.

“I thought there’d be blood, mate, she was so gaggin'”

“You fuckin’ nasty bastard.”

At one point, at least, the two women acquiesced to their request to ‘lez off‘ so they could watch.

“They were going right at each other’s minges, mate. It was fucking disgusting.”

I know that one of these gentlemen believed a certain girl’s exertions to be too much:

“I could smell her tit sweat, man, it was rank.”

And that at least one member of the group had concerns about the effect that their sexual shenanigans might have on his reputation.

“We’re keeping this to ourselves, are we? Because it sounds like you’re telling every cunt.”

Where’s the enjoyment?

Fascinating though this conversation is, I’m hoping it’ll stop soon. Because it makes me want to tear things to shreds.

There’s nothing wrong with having a gang-bang with a few women and a selection of your most obnoxious chums. In fact, I’d say it might be one of my ideal weekends. I imagine I might play the part of the lady who was not only ‘gagging’ but also getting fairly sweaty, because I find sex is a bit more fun if you put your back into it.

But the problem here isn’t that they’re dissecting the hot time they had, it’s the fact that at no point have any of them suggested that it was something they wanted to do. Something that they enjoyed. The braying, raucous laughter hints that it must have been quite fun, but their words imply it was an unpleasant thing that just happened to them. As if, while minding their own loudmouthed business, they were suddenly jumped by a pack of ‘desperate birds’, who they kindly deigned to fuck despite the girls’ ‘grotty tattoos’ and obscene desire to fellate them.

The caricatures that they draw with their tawdry, disdainful words make the girls look awful, desperate, ugly and pathetic. The sex itself sounds miserable and grotesque.

We all have the capacity to be bastards

Of course this isn’t just a male thing. Women don’t always dissect sexual activity with a shy smile and a neutral ‘well, to each his own.’ Each and every one of us is capable of being cruel and dismissive of ex-lovers, of telling tales that paint our past fucks as grotesque and regretful accidents.

“Tiny cock.”
“Crap shag.”
“Didn’t put any effort in.”
“Smelled like a brewer’s arsehole.”

These statements might be true, of course. Not everything is perfect, and to expect all sex to come with roses, romance and volcanoes of orgasmic fluid would be naïve to the point of stupidity.

So, in order to be nice, do we just avoid talking about the bad fucks? Of course not. One of the best ways to let a new partner know that I don’t like it when guys bite me is to tell him about the time a guy kept biting me and it was horrible. Likewise if a guy asks how his cock measures up to previous partners, I’d be a fool to pretend that they were all hung like a stud donkey.

But as everyone’s parents know, and have told us all repeatedly: it’s not what you say, its the way you say it.

How not to be a dick

I know there are a couple of guys (and girls) who will read my blog (or even my book) and cringe in anticipation of a poor review. People I’ve slept with once or twice and then never again, who’ll be hoping that I don’t write something contemptuous on page 73 about their mouse-cock or post-orgasmic sobbing.

I, in turn, hope that no one will read their story and be upset. That although there might be truth spoken, there’ll be no barbs thrown unnecessarily, no casual scorn, and no ill-judged disdain for those who’ve been generous enough to bestow their fuck upon me.

For what it’s worth, I try to follow these rules:

1. Keep them anonymous.

An anonymous lover can always step forward and claim credit if they want it, but once you’ve named someone they can never erase the association.

2. Speak well of them.

You don’t need to lie, or pretend someone rocked your world when they only tickled your funny bone – you just need to treat your past fucks like real people: with emotions and flaws and the capacity to be so pierced with shame that they want to curl up and cry forever.

This second rule is the most important not just so that you can avoid making people unnecessarily miserable, but because it’ll make a big difference to any fucks you might get in the future. If, when you’re telling me about a previous shag, it sounds like you did it with a vague sense of hatred for your hapless partner, then I am spectacularly unlikely to drop my knickers and let you screw me with a similar degree of contempt. Being angry is fine, if they gave you cause to be. Being upset is OK too. But being outright disdainful? Spewing bile because someone had the audacity to have sex with you in a way that either wasn’t as you expected or that you later came to regret? That’s cruel. And it’s not them that looks bad when you do that: it’s you.

I’m a fan of honesty, but you have to be honest about everything. Don’t tell people that so-and-so was an appalling shag without explaining what it was about him that made you want to fuck him in the first place. Don’t tell people some ‘slag’ was ‘gagging’ for your cock and miss out the crucial detail that you asked her to suck it. At the very least, it should be possible for the person you’re telling to understand that the sex was something you did willingly, something you expected to enjoy.

And as for me, I know I’ve had crap sex with some people. I disappoint men on a worryingly regular basis, and I’m more than happy for them to discuss my flaws. Tell people I was lazy. Tell them I was crap. Tell them I make stupid whining noises when I come and that I pull faces like I’m competing in a gurning contest at an ugly convention. But remember that somewhere within all of these truths is a real person with feelings and desires. A person who, once upon a time, you desperately wanted to fuck.


  • Kitty says:

    I never really understood the need to belittle someone who, not so long ago, was goodly enough to fuck them. I can only hope it’s a good way of ensuring they don’t get any more. Some people are arseholes.

    Incidentally, it’s the little things, but kudos for having the attention to detail to spell “naïve” correctly. Once again, your blog proves very tittle-ating.

  • Ezequiel says:

    It’s sad, though not surprising, that you had to write this.

    Context. Why do people always ignore or skew the context?

  • LightCycles says:

    lol @ “weapons-grade arsehole” :-) I now have images in my head of very peculiar missiles flying across the sky to spread stinky death.

    With no attempt to justify/excuse it, I would like to use my non-existent study and/or training to speculate on the behaviour of the train guys:
    “The caricatures that they draw … make the girls look awful, desperate, ugly and pathetic” – I think that is entirely deliberate. By devaluing the girls they paint themselves as dominant, powerful, full of sexual prowess to bestow on lowly supplicants, and utterly desirable. They also establish that the desperate and pathetic one in the scene was _definitely_ not them.
    To acknowledge they had any anxiousness, nerves, (uncontrollable?) desires, or did what _she_ wanted, thought about her feelings or anything “un-manly” would lose face and mark them as weak among their peers. All a rather vulgar instance of struggling to be the alpha male I’m afraid. Eventually we might evolve beyond our base instincts, but we’re not there yet.

  • Pat Bateman says:

    The huge difference is whether you’re blogging anonymously or not, and whether your partner could be identified. If people could guess who they are, then don’t rip them to shreds on line. If not, your only concern should be whether readers are enjoying what they’re reading.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Interesting point, although I think one of my concerns is also whether at some point I am ‘outed’ and, if I’ve said something scathing about someone – although they might have been anonymous at the time – people could later find out who they were.

  • I love eavesdropping…especially on young men…it’s the bravado…the machismo…that, while it makes them sound like heartless, juvenile dicks, also has the tendency to make them sound vulnerable and sort of pathetic.

    As a 30-something woman – I have learned that, while some of the young’ns never grow up – if they are still talking about women like this in their 30’s – they are a sad lot indeed.

    Your description of them made me laugh – I can totally hear them!

    And your rules are spot on.

  • J random says:

    I have heard that some men are deliberately rough with sex workers because “If i’m paying them I don’t want them to enjoy it too.”

    I simply can’t comprehend how anyone can be that disrepectful.

  • Lee says:

    I was going to say something about these … persons… on the train, but kitty and Bridget pretty much aced it.

    If any woman, paid or not, to be honest, is prepared to be sexually generous, the least a *man* can do is reciprocate, be properly grateful, and be a gent afterwards by keeping his mouth shut, not slag her off, even anonymously. =D

    But hey, maybe I’m just old school.

  • Lee says:

    Also, directness is sexy : if you need something different, *please* ask, or what’s the point?

    Life’s too short not to get something this fundamental to our wellbeing just right ;)

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