Bawdy poetry

Image by the awesome Stuart F Taylor

GOTN is on holiday until next week. In her absence, please enjoy this poem which she started writing in a workshop ages ago, then added some bits to, then read at the SheVibe bawdy poetry slam during The Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit.

As with everything Woodhull-related, it would not exist without Doxy, who not only make my favourite ever sex toy, they also sponsored me to go, so please show them lots of love. I suggest following them on twitter and .@-ing them with a message of intense affection such as ‘you make my life complete’ or ‘I cannot imagine a future without you.’ If enough of you do it then it will simultaneously delight and confuse the hell out of them.

UPDATE: the wonderful @ninjasexology has added some new verses to the poem – in italics below and they’re AMAZING. You should check out her wonderful blog, where she showcases her collection of utterly incredible, often very girthy, and always imaginative dildos.

If you’re better at titles than GOTN is, feel free to suggest one in the comments.


Last weekend I met a kind suitor,
Who offered to treat me alright.
He said: “tell me all of your darkest desires
I’ll fulfil them on Saturday night.”

I replied “Mate, I love your ambition,
So here’s what I need you to do:
Get a bottle of coke, vodka, leather and rope
And at least twenty-six more of you.”

As he smiled I said “Dude, I’m not finished.
There’s plenty more left in my head.
Like a scene where you beat me from shoulders to feet
And then fuck me bent over the bed.

“Take control of me like I’ve been naughty.
Whip a lattice of welts on my bum.
Tell me just where to sit as you Doxy my clit
Then dictate when and where I can come.

“Get me lubricant, condoms and custard.
Write this down, love, it’s quite a long list.
I need dildos and butt plugs, Nuttella, cream cheese,
Plastic sheets and a bucket of piss.

“When you’ve gathered supplies for the orgy
Let’s begin with a sexual stunt:
Pick up all of your kit, lube it up with your spit;
Shove the whole fucking lot in my cunt.

“Give me orgasms, Tantus and bondage.
Give me silicone, metal and glass.
Make me give you wet head, push my face in the bed,
And then jizz in the crack of my arse.

“So now that I’m really warmed up, mate
Let’s give things a bit of a twist.
Line up some hard dicks and I’ll suck five or six
While I fuck both your cock and your fist.

“After all that you’re bound to be knackered,
So I’ll give you a bit of a pass.
I’ll strap on a toy…just relax now, good boy,
As I thoroughly pummel your ass.

“Bring your friends and your colleagues and lovers
If we’re all there, we’ve nothing to lose.
Tweet the time, date and place, and a pic of my face –
Let’s get mentioned on national news.

“With some cash we can spread the word further-
Get a pilot, some smoke and a plane:
Write it high in the sky ‘WE WILL FUCK TIL WE DIE
And we don’t want your pity or shame.’

“That’s the starter, now onto the entree,”
I continued, as he stood there blank.
He said “Mate, no offence, but you’re kind of intense
And on balance I’ll just have a wank.”


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