‘Sorry’ seems to be the hottest word

Image by the fantastic Stuart F Taylor

Note, before we begin, that this post is going to describe a rape fantasy. I use the phrase ‘rape fantasy’ instead of something softer like ‘consensual non-consent scene’ because I think it’s more accurate. As with any fantasy, the fact that someone enjoys it in their head does not mean they’ll necessarily enjoy it in real life, and so my writing should on no account ever be taken as a justification to do anything like this with your partners. Nor even, if I’m the one you’re fucking, should you take it as permission to do it to me. If you fully understand this, and you’re not going to be freaked out by the idea of that, let’s talk about why ‘sorry’ is the hottest word you can say at the moment of climax.

I told a man this story, long ago, when we were discussing some of our more taboo fantasies, and the things we’d not yet done. While his involved sexual acts or group scenarios we hadn’t tried yet, most of mine were ones which featured the same old things we’d done before, but with a simple twist in tone: non-consent. My brain always wants sex to be darker, you see.

I’m a sucker for non-consent. If you’ve been reading for a while, you’ll probably have gleaned this from some of the stories I write. Most of my fantasies are, sorry to say, rape fantasies. It’s one of the reasons I don’t tend to watch much porn. On screen, if the scene’s rape-focused, the production values and credits and behind-the-scenes stuff tends to undercut the horn I’m feeling about what’s happening. But if you remove those bits I’m extremely uncomfortable. This is one of the easiest ways I can think of to demonstrate that this is – can only be – a fantasy. There is nothing sexy about rape in real life, so a scene produced with lots of care and caveats isn’t realistic enough to do it, but the more realistic it becomes, the more uncomfortable it makes me.

Hence, when I’m wanking, I prefer to visit my own depraved mind palace, and see where those filthy, cum-splattered corridors might lead. In my brain, things always get darker.

If you don’t shut up…

We’re talking, me and this guy, about fantasies. And he asks me for one of mine. At that precise moment in time, I’ve been thinking a lot about how difficult it is for him to fuck me in the ass, and how squirmy and squealy I’ve been when he’s tried. I feel annoyed with my body for not being able to take the kind of anal fuck I want to, because his cock’s too thick to do the things that happen in my head, as brutally as they happen in my head.

In my mind I can take it. In reality I cannot. And somewhere between fantasy and reality lies a possibility.

He’d often threaten me with anal, this guy. It was one of my favourite things.

“If you don’t shut up, it’s going in your ass.”
“Don’t make me put it in your ass.”
Squeeze your cunt for me, there’s a good girl. If you can’t make me come like this…”

You get the idea.

Remember the note at the top, yeah? If you don’t like those three lines then you certainly won’t like the following. Please look away now, go read something wholesome instead. When he asks for my fantasy, here’s what I tell him. It’s all about him being ‘sorry.’

“I’m so sorry.”

I’m on all fours in front of you, face down ass up, taking the full length of your dick really hard and brutal. You’re high on the power of fucking me till I squeal, paying particular attention to the end of the stroke when you slam the head of your cock against my cervix and make me gasp with shock. I know you like those gasps of shock. I know you like the squeals. I can tell, when we’re fucking, that the noises you like aren’t just the ones which tell you I’m feeling pleasure but the ones you know are involuntary expressions of pain.

You like it when you hurt me with your dick, don’t you? Of course you do. Of course. I like that too.

So what I think about these days … when I’m alone at night and fucking myself raw … these days I think about you. Hard and urgent. The way you get towards the end of a fuck when you’ll pound away at me like my cunt is no more than a Fleshlight. When you get that faraway look in your eyes that tells me you barely care if I’m still having fun, your only priority is to get that fucking spunk out and into me.

I think about that, and I think about you threatening: “you’d better make me come soon, or it’s going in your ass.”

I imagine you telling me to do all the things I do to help make you come. Pull my ankles back as far as I can and squeeze my cunt so tightly, then gasp at the pain as your dick slams in good and deep. You telling me “squeeze tighter, that’s it, good girl” and “point your toes.” Because oh yeah, I like it when you tell me to do that. I like it when you instruct me on how to mould my body to please you.

And in real life, that usually works to tip you over the edge. But in my head, it doesn’t.

In my head, you fuck me so hard you’re dripping sweat into my mouth, which sits open and gasping at the shock of your dick thumping bruises deep into me, but still it doesn’t work.

Your determination to come turns to desperation, then frustration, and then anger.

It’s my fault, of course. My fault for not being good enough. My fault for not getting my cunt tight enough around the throbbing meat of your dick. My fault for not helping. My fault. Bad girl.

I know you aren’t this person, of course, and that’s why the next part is hotter. Because when you tell me to flip over and spread myself for you, you aren’t fucking me in the ass as punishment, you’re doing it because you cannot help yourself.

You don’t want to do this, you need to.

I can conjure the image of your face reflected in your bedroom mirror, looking down at my spit-lubed ass with a combination of eagerness and self-disgust. Are you really going to do this? We catch each other’s eyes in the reflection in the mirror, and I stuff a fistful of the duvet into my mouth to make sure I don’t scream. As you look at me, you tell me: “ssssh,” and I nod.

The solid, aching, pulsing reality of your dick presses tight up against my ass and I try so hard not to cry out. The fact that I fail makes you harder, and so maybe I make a few more of those noises because I know that the harder you are, the more this fuck will hurt. I squeal a little louder because I need you to come really quickly.

As you slide in, and I squirm, you give me a few more ‘sssh’s. Tell me “good girl” and “this won’t take long” and “stay still” and all the rest. I try my best to do it but it’s hard to stay quiet when you’re being stretched out and fucked. Slowly at first, and then faster, with that glorious urgency that denotes you’re finally close.

Hard. Then too hard – one slam so forceful that I squeal into the mouthful of duvet and look up at your reflection in the mirror, involuntary tears running down my face.

As you meet my eyes you know that if you asked me I’d say ‘stop.’ So you do not ask me.

You just tell me: “that’s it, good girl, stay still, this won’t take long.”

With a few hard thrusts, good and deep, till you feel yourself buried as far as your twitching cock will go, you meet my eyes again and I say: “please come now, please come. Pleaseplease.”

And you do. With one arm now wrapped tight around my neck to keep me still, your dick starts to pump cum thick and fast.

You look directly into my weeping face and I register the tortured guilt on yours. In the mirror I can see that you’re already horrified and disgusted with yourself at what you’ve done. That’s what this fantasy was building to. Not the deep strokes, or the anal, or the money shot, but this: your face plastered with shame, mouth open and panting, babbling “sorry, I’m just so fucking sorry,” as you empty yourself inside me.

Now please wash your brain, I’m sorry

As I say, I told a man that story once, and he said it was too much. He was probably right. It’s one thing having rape fantasies in my own little imagination, where their power exists only for me. But when you put that stuff out into the world, you have to be aware of the impact it will have. I fucked this up in my early days of blogging a lot – wrote rape fantasies without warnings and just assumed the reader would fill in the blanks that are clear and distinct in my own mind. This is fantasy, it isn’t real. If it were real it wouldn’t be hot, it’d be horrible. In video games we can play with guns, but in real life we’d never go near them.

So this post here is a video game. And the story I told him was similar. He said it was too much, and maybe he was right. But later that weekend, he fucked me in the ass, and while he did it I begged him to come oh-so-quickly.

To this day I still masturbate to the memory of his face in the mirror as he came. I don’t know whether the expression I’m conjuring is real, or if I’ve painted it in: that red-hot look of shame. Weaving my fantasy with memories of reality because my brain always wants things to be darker.

I’m sorry.

I’m just so fucking sorry.


It’s been ages since I published anything like this, I’m genuinely quite nervous so I’m gonna repeat the important point here: lots of people have rape fantasies inside their own heads. That doesn’t mean you should do this in real life. If you think I could have warned/contextualised this better I’m always up for feedback, and if you’d like me to unpack why I think I have so many of these fantasies I am totally up for doing that in a different blog post. Pls don’t shame me for having these thoughts though – they’re pretty common and not anything I’m gonna beat myself up over, there are way more fun things to beat myself up about.

Oh and also in real life you shouldn’t use spit for lube, I do not think I have ever done that with anal (it would hurt, and be impossible), so chalk that one up as ‘fantasy but never reality’ too.


  • DaddyA says:

    Very hot and wonderfully written as always, I’ve had very similar issues as a girthy guy – only (well-practised) men have been able to take me anally, never women!

    One thing I would say to potential Doms/tops who want to try this: make sure you know what aftercare looks like for you as well as for your sub/bottom. It’s really quite hard to see/hear your partner even pretend to be hurt/disgusted/shamed by you, and especially if you struggle yourself with any validation issues, hearing “no” as part of a CNC scene can require a lot of aftercare for *both* of you.

    For example I often need validation after that my bottom *did* want it, and wanted it badly, and they wanted me a lot too. And affirmations that I’m not a monster!

  • SpaceCaptainSmith says:

    While you rightly ask people not to shame you for having and expressing fantasies like this, it’s interesting that even in this post you felt the need to apologise for sharing it. I guess that was partly a joke/neat way to end the post (and clearly the word ‘sorry’ was on your mind); but for what it’s worth, you shouldn’t ever feel bad for sharing dark stuff, as long as it’s properly contextualised, as here.

    Anyway, while this specific fantasy isn’t quite my cup of tea exactly, I can appreciate where it comes from, and I think you got across what makes it hot to you. As you say, a lot of people of all genders have ‘rape fantasies’ of a kind (including myself sometimes) and what’s key is that they are both nonconsensual in the fantasy, yet entirely imaginary. Stories are the best means of getting fantasies ‘out there’ that we couldn’t and wouldn’t want to create in real life.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ah yeah, well spotted. I did wonder about this as I was adding it. For both the reasons you say (there’s clearly something in me that feels I should, plus it was a nice play on the word and the tone of shame – I thought it was nice and meta to add an extra layer of *my* shame too). I think also there’s an aspect of nervousness because in the past I have sometimes been told off for writing in this area. I don’t think that actually makes me *sorry*, or is something I feel *ashamed* about, but adding an acknowledgment that I know some people find this distasteful allows me to give myself the permission to hit publish. I didn’t realise this was part of it until I read your comment and that made me think a bit more thoroughly about why I felt the need to put it there. I always really appreciate your thoughtful comments, thank you.

  • Leda says:

    Wow, that was really powerful. I love reading stuff that explores the darker side of sex.

    I think you did a great job of caveating it, as with something like this it’s really important to be absolutely crystal clear about what it is and what it is not.

    My favorite line:
    “As you meet my eyes you know that if you asked me I’d say ‘stop.’ So you do not ask me.”

  • Cum4Ever says:

    Great to read this as I am, fortunately or unfortunately, one of those guys with a thick cock. Since mid puberty it always has been noticeably thick. Very obvious in the changing room at school and University. When fully hard I am 6 1/2 inches long which is a good average, or so I understand. But the circumference, of distance around the outside is over 7 inches. Some girls can’t even meet their finger and thumb when stroking me. As for anal sex, and as we all know its so commonplace in porn, I’m yet to find someone I don’t physically hurt, let alone allows me to try!! However, on the plus side, I get lots of compliments on how full they feel when in a hot wet cunt.

  • fuzzy says:

    As someone who gets off on cnc, erotic humiliation, and shame i totally get where you are coming from. And this is a very well-written and lovely fantasy. I think it’s just right, all of it, even the wrapping you delivered around it. thank you for your work.

  • Switchington Bear says:

    Perfect piece, partly because it is such a hot fantasy and partly because it demonstrates how fantasy is separate from reality. I have lots of fantasies in my head but not all of them I would want to happen in the real world. Sometimes this is because they would push my limits a little too far but often it’s because once it happens for real it may taint the fantasy by not being quite how I imagined it would be.
    One thing I love (that I am sadly missing at the moment) is having someone I can describe my fantasies to (and vice versa) while getting each other off, but who understands the distinction between the fantasy and reality and doesn’t see my imaginings as a set of requests or demands that put them under pressure to do something they may be uncomfortable with.
    Thanks again GOTN for articulating this so well and somehow once again publishing something that I have been thinking a lot about recently.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Oh, thank you so much SB! I really appreciate your kind words, and your thoughtful comment! I totally get you on the fantasy thing, I miss this too. There’s a level of intimacy that can’t be reached via shortcuts (more’s the pity, or I’d have mapped those shortcuts SO HARD now I’m single) where you have to trust the other person enough to be able to play in these spaces without worrying that they’ll hurl your thoughts back at you or interpret them in ways you didn’t mean. You’ve put your finger on something that I didn’t realise I’d been missing – thank you!

  • G. says:

    That was pretty amazing. I’m a guy who loves having sex with men and woman. When I’m with a woman, I want to dominate her. When I’m with a man, I want him to dominate me.

    I read your throat fucking post the other day. That’s why I signed up to receive your blog. Two days prior to reading that one. I hooked up with a guy who had a 8-in cock that was about one and three quarter inch thick. We got naked and he fucked my throat for about 30 minutes. It was amazing. Whenever I have a guy fucking my throat like that, my cock gets so ridiculously hard.

    I am very much into fantasy sex. I fantasize about a group of men with 10 inches of cock or more, raping my ass over and over and over. I’m begging and screaming for them to stop, but they keep raping me. Each time a different cock goes in my ass, and starts pounding, I blow my load. If I get fecked 20 times in my fantasy I come 20 times in my fantasy. I know this is just fantasy but it turns me on more than anything.

    I will admit that I really love getting my butt pounded by a man that has more cock than my butt can take. The pain is tremendous, but if he can go at least 10 minutes, I will come without touching my own cock, even when the pain is tremendous.

    I’m not in to fucking guys in the ass, but I love fucking women in the ass and their pussies. Something I also really love is eating a woman while she’s getting her pussy or her butthole drilled buy another man. I love sucking the cum out of her pussy or have him pull out and cum in my mouth.

    Again, having my ass raped like that is just a fantasy. If that really happened to me, I probably wouldn’t have sex ever again.

    I think your blogs are amazing, keep up the great work.

  • Beards n Negligee says:

    An ex of mine had the fantasy of me breaking into her house and forcing her to have sex in the middle of the night.

    It seemed a bit too risky and a bit too out there for me and I am pansexual, gender fluid and have tried almost everything.

    I did write her some fiction along a similar line to the one you have posted here and she loved it. She also shared it with several friends who liked it too. Perhaps it’s really not that uncommon as a fantasy, but one that really requires a lot of thought, communication and relationship security before acting out.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ohhh yes I have this fantasy too. I tried to do it once, with a guy who was extremely game: https://www.girlonthenet.com/blog/midnight-stealth-fuck/ I totally get why it’s hard for those who are tasked with being on the dominant side of this though – it’s very easy for me to see inside my head and understand how much I want it, but other people aren’t telepathic, and so I totally get why you might not want to venture here. I’m not entirely sure how I would feel if asked to play this role for someone else. I like to think I’d try really hard, in recognition of those who’ve done it for me, but whether I’d be successful is a whole other matter.

  • M says:

    I find this sort of fascinating, because its definitely a fantasy I have. It’s interesting also to me, that it’s one of my longest standing ones, but also that I continue to have it despite having been raped (more than once). I’ve only once had a partner interested in going into bdsm type scenes, and I definitely enjoyed in my head pretending that I couldn’t say no to them, even though at the very same time I knew perfectly well I could, which was what made it safe and actually hot and enjoyable, but it also helped that we’d discuss scenes in advance so that we both knew what we were planning to do and that it was something we both found hot, which again I think really helps.

    I know what you mean though, about trying to find it in porn. I’m either turned off or i’m going “who carries safety scissors in their pocket?”

  • Selina says:

    Hi Girlonthenet!
    I’m finding that I’m fast becoming a huge fan of your blog. 😁
    It’s the way that you write and the way in which your mind works that makes it so fascinating to read. You are an excellent writer and your writing is always extremely hot – because it comes across as both very honest & authentic and is also highly sensually evocative.
    ( As someone, who likes to lock away her own more exciting sexual memories in writing for future (personal ) reading pleasure, I can readily understand why composing a blog like this might be enjoyable…😅)
    Even with this rape fantasy of yours, as someone, who doesn’t usually enjoy rape stories in any form (I was sexually abused a child), you still managed to convey the hotness of the story to me and I could (finally) understand why some people may find the idea to be so arousing.
    My theory is that there’s 2 elements to it:
    (i) Being wanted *so much* that the other person couldn’t stop themselves even if they wanted to or if you begged them to stop.
    (ii) (+ in your case) The shame of the “perpetrator”/ dom, which makes you feel like *ultimately* you’ve still “won”.
    They wanted you so much -> they give into their animalistic desires and do something non-consenual -> now that they’re “finished”, they’re ashamed-> they’ve just proven their “weakness” to you – the weakness of their lustful nature and you, as the woman, know that ultimately you are the one who wields absolute power over them..
    [Please tell me if I’m anywhere close to the idea…(?)]
    My favourite lines are:
    “You don’t want to do this, you need to.”
    “To this day I still masturbate to the memory of his face in the mirror as he came. I don’t know whether the expression I’m conjuring is real, or if I’ve painted it in: that red-hot look of shame.”

  • Stradivarious2 says:

    I am in awe of your mind and writing. This is incredible. If only every woman was like you in respect of this story. Unfortunately they are not. This story is almost as good as viagra. Anal does not interest me, various reasons, but I just couldn’t hurt any one like that. Doggy, yes, and your words “ buried deep” The guy having put your phone in front of your face on the bed, and on video to record your facial expressions too……

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