OK listen up, lover/fuckbuddy/casual shag. You want us to get our sexy fuck on, and that’s delightful. I would very much enjoy milking your dick/being ruined by you/tying you to the bedframe/getting spanked in the hallway/sucking you off/finding a secluded park where we can bang up against a tree/whatever it is that both of our little hearts crave. But in order to do this, and do it well, I need you to give me some guidance. Tell me what you want and why you want it. Talk about your desires and needs and likes and dislikes. Communicate with me – not just once, at the start of our connection, but constantly. Before, during and after sex. It’s not a one-shot thing, it’s a permanent responsibility. You want to eat the cookies? You have to help make dough.
Here’s the thing, I’m not a mind reader. I might have had a lot of sex, but I haven’t yet had a lot of sex with you. It might seem obvious to you, when you say ‘I want you to domme me’, what exactly you mean by that phrase. Of course it is! You live in your own head, and in your own head ‘domme me’ has a very specific connotation. But for someone else, ‘domme me’ could mean anything from an aggressive no-lube hand job to a vigorous pegging, a light spanking, or a bit of gentle teasing in the pub. It might mean that I stop sucking your dick just before you come so you’re squirming and begging me for it. Perhaps it indicates I should take your dick out of my mouth and slap it hard – once – with the palm of my hand, as the first squirt of jizz pumps from the tip. Maybe it means you shouldn’t get blow jobs at all, just be made to rub my feet and then my clit while I tell you what a good good boy you’re being.
There is so much variety! So much possibility! So many different roads to go down! If you want me to meet you where your kink is, I need you to draw me a map.
This goes no matter what your request is, by the way. Dominance is the most obvious one because submissives (I know this because I am one, and we’re annoying little shits sometimes) sometimes have a tendency to say ‘oh just ruin me however you like!’, without giving specific guidance. Personally, when I say that, it’s because I know I have a serious kink for being used and degraded, and I’m broadly up for anything within legal and safe parameters.
But dipping my toe into dominance in recent years has helped me understand more fully and completely why ‘within legal and safe parameters’ is one of the most irritating limits I could ever express. It’s far too fucking broad. FAR too broad. I’ve made plenty of mental notes for the future, of course, but I’m also sharing this info with you:
If you want to eat the cookies, you have to help make dough.
How do I tell you what I want?
I don’t expect you to be able to articulate the exact detail of what you want. If you’re subbing and you need dominance, dictating exactly what you want me to do might well kill the tone stone dead.
Again, because I’m usually submissive, I understand this completely. You don’t want to tell someone to rail you till you cry then feel like every stroke of that glorious fuck is there only because you’ve written a very specific brief that’s being followed to the letter. Back in the day we called this ‘topping from the bottom’ and most people tend not to like it.
BUT! There are lots of ways to help shape a scene that don’t involve handing over a neat script with notes on choreography.
- Show me your porn.
- Tell me your hottest stories.
- Participate in post-match analysis where you tell me after a fuck what your favourite bits are.
- Encourage me when I do the right thing! My recent foray into dominating people has hammered home the importance of what I’m going to call ‘reverse safewords’. Those things that people say (“Oh yes, that’s hot, I like that, unngh”) that function as a big green light indicating YES, THIS IS THE RIGHT DIRECTION. The reason I call these ‘reverse safewords’ is because I know some people struggle with even the very basics of sexual communication, and uttering a ‘yes that feels good’ in the moment makes them cringe with awkwardness. So if you’re feeling awkward about telling me how great a particular thing feels, just shout ‘green!’ or something! That’ll do! If you’re shy about saying something aloud, it can be a gesture. Grab me by the wrist, or squeeze my shoulder. Click your fingers three times, baby. Drop some spontaneous applause! Whatever you like! Establish a ‘green’ word or gesture and then use it when I’m doing what you like. Give me something!
I want to spend at least part of my spare time pondering how I next want to fuck you. Letting my fantasies about you grow around my own sexual desires like intertwining vines. But if you want those plants to grow then – yes, you guessed it! – you have water them. Give me some nuggets of information about the things you like, and why you like them. Help me get into not just the desires but the reasons behind them.
When it comes to creating scenes and moments that make you whimper and cum like an eager virgin pumping wet-dream spunk into his mattress, you’re my fucking muse. But being my muse involves work: you gotta feed the fire, baby. Gimme petrol and coal and a spark. At the very least give me kindling.
Tell me what you think of when you’re wanking. Make noises when I’m doing something good. Text me ‘remember when you did that thing on Saturday? I loved that, please do it again… but harder, while calling me a bitch.’
You want me to set your world on fire? Give me something to fuel the flames.