A tour of HOT THINGS just before VALENTINE’S DAY

Image by the genius Stuart F Taylor

I’m not telling you to buy all these things. Apart from anything else, some of them are completely free. What I AM going to tell you, though, is that it’s the time of year when people hunt around for gifts to buy their lovers for Valentine’s Day, or buy themselves for Valentine’s Day (I’d argue the latter is better because you know damn well it’ll be well received), and so it would be remiss of me not to nudge you towards the fabulous sponsors who help keep the lights on here at GOTN HQ. We have sex toys, audio porn, porn porn, restraints and loads more. Fill yer boots. Every time you click a link on one of the banners around the site or in articles like this, I get a little bit of kudos and you help keep this site running. So even if you’re broke right now, bookmark to treat yourself later.

Bloom Stories

You’ve definitely heard from these lovely fuckers if you listen to any of the audio porn on my site – they offer a huge selection of audio porn from rough and filthy to soft and intimate, read by a range of different voices and told from various perspectives. I rate them really highly, and they’d make an excellent last minute Valentine’s Day present because you can sign up for a subscription at the very last possible minute and still give it to your sweetheart on time. That’s my kind of present.

If you want to test them out before you buy a subscription, they’ve just released a free story – Sweet Surprise – for Valentine’s Day. Set up a free account and log in to hear it! When you’re ready to buy a sub, use code GIRLONTHENET to save up to 50%.


It would be ridiculous if I didn’t recommend this toy for Valentine’s Day – it’s the latest creation from Godemiche, along the lines of their sparkly-beautiful grind rings from last year. The Vibe pad works on the same principle: textured silicone pads that you can strap to something (or someone) and hump against, but this time with the addition of a nifty little bullet vibe in the middle. Instead of trying one out myself (at the time of being offered, I wasn’t entirely sure if my Hot Punk Guy would be up for me strapping something to his thigh and humping him like an overexcited puppy), I offered this to my kink correspondent Jenby to test out with Star. And I am very glad I did – they used it for a fabulously hot dollification session, in which Jenby was turned into a silent, passive ‘appliance to be used.’ Unngh.

Get the Vibe Pad from Godemiche for £59.99 and use the code GOTNSHOP for 10% off. If you’re more into getting fucked than grinding, check out their (in my opinion) perfectly curved dildos and gorgeous anal toys too.

Whipple Tickle

Fun fact about Whipple Tickle: they sent me a really fun little clit-sucking rose vibe a while ago, and I have been itching to post my write-up for months and months. But every time it comes back in stock, it sells out so quickly I don’t get a chance to get the write-up live. So… if you’d like one of these roses, subscribe to find out when it’s back in stock (should be soon) or keep an eye out here for my post whenever people stop fucking BUYING THEM ALL AND ANNOYING ME.

Other than that, Whipple Tickle is of note because it’s an extremely-well-priced sex toy shop that stocks a HUGE range of stuff. Great for browsing around with a partner and having horny discussions about all the different things that catch your eye. For me that’s usually masturbators, because I’m a sucker for a textured hand job, and they don’t disappoint here with an absolutely vast range of Tenga eggs as well as Fleshlight products. Because they try to beat other shops on price, they’re also a fuckawesome place to stock up on lube, condoms, menstrual cups and other essentials too.

Use the code GOTN10 for an extra 10% off whatever you buy.


There are so many things to love about Meo, not least of which is the fact that they offer a far wider range of bondage and kink equipment than the average sex toy shop. Like this fucking amazing leather sling designed to hold you open while you get fucked like a greedy little slut, or this leather harness which provides a tight (and beautiful) frame for your cock and balls while keeping your ass filled with a butt plug. Every time I write one of these articles I end up falling down a kink hole (hehe hole) at Meo’s site, because there’s so much stuff there to marvel at. Penis plugs, pup masks, and (my personal favourite) milking machines. It warms my heart to know that given there are infinite possible universes, somewhere in an alternate one I own this machine, and have a gang of eager subby boys who visit me for regular relief. Heart eyes emoji.

If you have an eager subby boy in your life, or anyone else who’d enjoy some gorgeous kink toys for Valentine’s Day, head to Meo.de and get stuck in.


Pray for me, friends, because recently my original Doxy gave up the ghost. I’m going to write a proper post about it because it was genuinely hilarious how much that hit me. It’s been my friend and fuckbuddy for a full ten years, dispensing almost daily orgasms as easily as you or I could switch on a kettle. With the regular, aggressive, and intense battering this toy took, the fact that it lasted A FULL DECADE is absolutely astonishing. I reckon I have used it, on average, around 5 times per week for the last 10 years. Even at today’s prices of £99.99 for the Doxy original, that’s less than 4 pence per power-wank. More importantly, if you have a long-term partner who’s into wand toys and they’ve not yet tried the Doxy, this is a Valentine’s gift that says ‘I am in this relationship – and into you having a stunning time in bed – for a really long time indeed.’ And what could be more romantic than that?

They also have a brand new version powered by USB-C which is well worth checking out, oh and as I edit this to add the links in I realise they’re doing a massive 30% OFF for Valentine’s! Fuck yeah! Use the code LOVEDOXY30 if you see this before V-day 2024.

Frolic Me

As always with FrolicMe, basically what I’m gonna do is give you recommendations for a few films based on ones for which I’ve either written the accompanying story or recorded the audio. One of my favourite things about FrolicMe is they offer all their scenes with a variety of different ways to enjoy them: the cinematic-quality film itself, gorgeous high-quality photosets, OR (my personal fave) erotic stories written by a selection of literary pervs like me, then recorded as audio porn too. I think it’s the most accessible way to access porn and I absolutely love Anna Richards (who owns the site) for doing it. She also pays writers a fair fucking wage, which is no mean feat in these times and in this industry. A subscription here goes towards making more ethical porn – tell your lover that if you buy them a sub as a Valentine’s Day gift.

ANYWAY! Onto the filth. I recently wrote the story for this gorgeous chained-and-fucked scene, and if you are a fan of hearing heavy wooden furniture creak while someone gets railed against it, rock-hard erections and BDSM fucking, you’ll probably enjoy it too. I also absolutely adored writing the story for this solo-masturbation-with-ice scene, because it gave me the opportunity to put the reader (or listener, if you’re hearing the audio version) in the picture. Do you know who else writes for FrolicMe? SHERRYL! You’ll know (and probably love) Sherryl for her work on the audio project here, so I hope you’ll be as pleased as I am to know she also works for FM. Read her latest piece – hungry for sex – and then watch the film here.

There’s loads to choose from – subscribe to FrolicMe for less than £50 for a full year’s membership, OR scroll to the bottom and do the newsletter sign up if you’d like a free film to whet your appetite.

Hot Octopuss

I have only very recently wanged on about Hot Octopuss, because they launched a special ‘Dragon’s Eye’ edition of their PULSE penis vibrator to celebrate 10 years of its cum-draining existence. So I won’t talk about the PULSE. What I will tell you, though, is that Hot Octopuss usually have great discounts for Valentine’s Day and this one’s no different – get up to 50% off their incredible toys, all the codes are on the page.

Personally, I am a massive fan of the Atom Plus cock ring (30% off in the sale – code SPICY30) which is a really powerful dual-motor cock ring that turned my ex’s dick into a full-on vibrating dildo. Rigid as fuck, too, because it’s tight. Drool. I also adore the AMO bullet vibe, and the Kurve g-spot vibrator.

Short entry this: just go get ’em if you want ’em.

The Pleasure Garden

Two things you need to know about The Pleasure Garden: firstly, all their toys are body safe. That means they’re one of the best places to go (in my opinion) for basic staples, if you want to get a decent price on toys that you know are made of quality materials. Butt plug sets and cock rings are often made of jelly or other things that can degrade, but at The Pleasure Garden they’re always body-safe. Check out their toy box essentials page to stock up on some of these lovely things.

Second thing you need to know is that they give a massive shit (and rightly so) about inclusivity. I massively rate their website for inclusive language (not always easy or common in the adult industry). Alongside sex toys, The Pleasure Garden also stocks a wide array of gender expression products and has a range of guides on these products written by trans and non binary sex toy experts. Woo! If you want to sit and browse a sex toy website together with a trans or non binary partner, this is where I’d send you to make sure you’re not accosted by gendered language.

What should you buy from there? Literally anything you like, but my recommendation for things that are harder to find elsewhere are strap on harnesses (and bases to grind against!) or any of the beautiful Avant range of dildos.


I’m just going to tell you here that I think one of the most romantically intense types of sex you can have is with ElectraStim pads. I know the idea of electricity can often seem a bit scary to some people, but hear my pitch please: when you place one e-stim pad on yourself (one of your thighs, I’d recommend) and another on your partner (again, inner thigh is good but arse works too as long as the wires reach), as one of you penetrates the other you connect the circuit. Hot, right? What’s more, the broader the contact area where the circuit connects, the less intense the electric sensations. It’s so hard to explain properly what this means for a fuck, but essentially it feels like – when they’re sliding out of you – your body starts to crackle with tickling tingles (or actual pain if you turn it up), and the only way to soothe that is for them to plunge back in. Deep.

When I did this for the first time, it felt like my cunt was actively pulling my partner into me, and he said much the same. It was a fuck that was simultaneously mechanical and emotional – the e-stim made it feel like we were being moved even as both of our bodies ached to fuck, so were moving voluntarily. A million out of ten, cannot recommend highly enough. Especially now that ElectraStim sell a much more affordable version than the one I was kindly given when I tried it out.

Get the ElectraStim KIX (which comes with the e-stim pads) for the very nice price of £69. Use code GOTN for 10% off.

VR Porn Guide

OK listen, usually when I do one of these round-up posts I tell you about the VR porn guide on SexTechGuide, because that is technically what I am being paid to advertise. And you should definitely click that link and go visit it if you’ve got yourself a headset and a raging thirst for the most visually intimate of all the types of porn (seriously, nothing quite hammers home just how real something feels till you glance down and realise you can see the back of someone’s throat after they’ve sucked your magnificent cock. Yes, in the past my favourite type of VR porn was the stuff in which I have a magnificent cock, sue me).

Instead of doing that, though, this time I’m going to draw your attention to the actual Sex Tech Guide itself. It’s a fucking interesting website with news and updates from the weird, wonderful and wankworthy world of sex tech and I fucking love it. I know that my audience is filled with a lot of horny nerds (you’re my demographic!) so if you aren’t already, subscribe to the SexTechGuide newsletter and stay up to date with sex as it intersects with technology – for instance in this kickass piece about augmented reality porn (get fucked by adult stars in the comfort of your own home), or this piece about AI sex story generators that are probably going to steal my job one day. You can even join me in laughing at Twitter’s woefully terrible attempt to introduce graphic content warnings.

Anyway. This is less about Valentine’s Day than it is just a cool thing that I like, so I expect all of you to go sign up for it because it’s free. Talking of free…


As ever, the heroes at Literotica are running an annual Valentine’s Day story contest. And so, as ever, I’m going to recommend you take that as a jumping-off point to have a browse round their community of eager smut-writers, and find some stories (and authors!) who tick your particular kinky boxes.

But the story contests are only a tiny drop in the ocean of smut that they have on the site. They have plenty of written erotica – use the tag portal to browse for topics. And lately they’ve also been publishing tonnes of audio smut as well. Some of the writers who feature here on GOTN started out writing for fun on Literotica, and Lit themselves have been absolutely delightful in supporting sex bloggers like me. I love them, so if you can find a way to work their erotic stories (maybe read one to your lover?) or audio porn (stick it on headphones, blindfold them, then tease the fuck out of them while they listen to the tale) into your Valentine’s Day routine then both they, and I, will thank you.

Visit Literotica for the princely sum of zero pounds.


THANK YOU all for reading this post. If you like what I do here, please do consider visiting some of these lovely people and having a browse around their sites. Even if you don’t buy anything for Valentine’s Day, you might remember them later when you have more money and/or the opportunity to treat yourself or a loved one. I can only keep doing this because you lovely fuckers continue to support the sponsors who in turn support me. And I am so grateful to you for doing that.



  • Aaron says:

    This is a cracking list – thanks for putting it together! I’m definitely going to get me some audio porn, but be assured I’ll still keep listening to yours, too!

    Also, my condolences on the expiration of the Doxy. But as you say, ten years’ enthusiastic service is outstanding. 4p a go? Jeez… where else in life can one get that kind of valiue for money??

  • M (anonymous) says:

    Ever since I stumbled upon your site and listened/read your posts I am horny as * and itch to buy me a Doxy plus plug – but i can’t decide which one! Is bigger = better? But the small one can have a P-spot attachment, which sounds interesting – yet is sold out atm. Decisions, decisions! At least I have picked a color pattern, that was easy, love at first sight.

    Any recommendations on your part? I*d call it solicited advice, I guess

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ohhh so if you’re after a plug, my personal favourite is the metal Doxy one: https://doxymassager.com/product/doxy-butt-plug-smooth/?aff=4 I do actually have the p-spot attachment for the Doxy 3R but weirdly I have never used it (it was a thing I’d planned to use with a guy, but then I got busy and then he understandably bowed out because he got bored of waiting for me), so I can’t say I’ve tried that one in earnest. But the metal plugs are my absolute FAVE. If you have a prostate you might prefer the ribbed plug (I used to have both, then gifted the ribbed one to a dude when we broke up because he loved it and I’m a lovely fucker): https://doxymassager.com/product/doxy-butt-plug-ribbed/?aff=4 The reason I love these is that they are solid and shiny (which I find sexy – both to feel and to flash), and they also have long necks which makes them more comfortable to wear and less likely to fall out if I’m getting shagged while using them. If you’d prefer something softer, though, I think Godemiche’s are also fab – these ones over the Plug B which they also sell, because I like the longer neck on these: https://g-silicone.com/product/butt-plug/?ref=lNFhNksCWBcwr3

  • M (anonymous) says:

    Oh wait I misspelled: I meant to say I wanted to buy a Doxy massage wand, and found it very difficult to choose the size.
    The bigger Doxy Die Cast or the smaller Doxy Die 3, which can have attachments.
    Well, the P-attachment was sold out anyway, so I bought the big old Doxy Die Cast.

    I ALSO bought a plug (maybe that’s why I got confused – note to self: writing while aroused produces errors ;-) ), mostly because reading your previous story about your partner wearing them made me horny, and they look so shiny, so valuable, and I like that they have a long neck. I recently got into these kind of games and have a couple cheap ones – and those have so short necks.

    But please tell me: why the ribbed one? I just bought the smooth one because the ribbed one might feel uncomfortable moving in. Is the ribbed one supposed to be good feelings for my prostate?


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