I’ve always wanted to write a sex advice column that offers ‘advice’ in the most fun sense: how to make your sex life hotter. People could write in with questions like ‘my girlfriend is into public humiliation, but I’m nervous and stumped for ideas. Any suggestions for subtle but hot ways I could indulge her kink?’. Or maybe ‘my husband recently told me he wants to be used, but I can’t get my head around the concept – can you help me find sexy ways to introduce this into our shagging?’. Honestly, someone should commission me to write this, we’d have loads of fun. This horny daydreaming is one of the things I enjoy most in a relationship: as I discover all the little nooks and crannies of someone’s sexual desire, I can spend hours pondering fun ways to try and weave those desires into the sex we have together. But I’m single at the moment and this skill doesn’t get much use. So I’ve been itching to write this year’s Christmas gift guide, because it gives me the chance to go through my sponsor roster, pick out some of my favourite sexy things, and then come up with a whole bunch of hot scenarios that feature them which you can deploy in your own sex life.
Before I begin, here’s the compulsory ‘consent’ chit chat: sex is art, and it’s collaborative. These ideas are not ones you should lift wholesale and spring upon your partner by surprise. They are there to inspire you, and help you start conversations with the people you’re shagging about whether they might be into this or that. When you’ve started those conversations, then comes the fun part where you tune each idea into something that is unique – tailored to you, and them, and the art that you create in bed together.
The following products are all from companies who sponsor my site, so if you buy from them you support my work and I’m extremely grateful to you. The ideas all come from my head, and if you use them (either with a partner or in your own sordid wank fantasies) and want to tell me about it in comments then I’m grateful for that too.
Lovense Glint
I have one of these, but have not (yet) had the chance to use it. Nevertheless, it dominates many of my waking, wanking thoughts. When I tell you that this butt plug is touch-responsive, I imagine quite a few of you will immediately think about spanking. Conjuring the delicious mental image of having a submissive partner bent over your lap all ready to receive an OTK spanking, but this time with a twist: the little hint of the butt plug base between their bare cheeks means that if you position and spread them right, each time you deliver a thwack with the palm of your hand, the plug will cycle through a brand new type of vibration.
As far as ideas go, it has a hell of a lot of merits. And in fact, with this smart butt plug, you can even use the app to change the way it responds to each touch. So rather than each tap causing it to cycle through patterns of vibration, you can have it deliver other treats instead: pulses of vibration, for example, or even a ‘crescendo’ (where the plug vibrates gently and constantly, but touching it causes an intense extra burst of sensation). It’s the latter that I’m mostly fixated on.
One of the best things about getting fucked in the cunt while a plug vibrates in my ass is that the sensation becomes even more intense when my partner gets… all the way inside. It puts pressure on the plug at the entrance to my ass, and when their dick is filling my cunt the vibrations hit my nerve endings with an even deeper intensity. Imagine a butt plug that took that sensation and turned the dial up to ‘holy fuck’. I think that’s what I’m excited about here.
A butt plug which – when he’s deep inside me and therefore his body is making contact with the base – recognises that touch and hits ‘crescendo’ mode. Meaning I get powerful vibes as long as he’s inside me, but those vibrations wane when he withdraws. Causing much whimpering, squealing and begging from me and a delightful dilemma for him too. Because as long as he’s good and deep in me, he gets to feel the intense vibrations on his cock, but in order to come he still needs a little in-and-out friction. How much does he do for me, and how much for him? How often will he satisfy my begging requests, and how often will he choose to tease me with quick, short strokes instead?
What’s more, if we’re fucking doggy, the fact that he could just tap the base of the plug to change vibration pattern means acres of room for my fantasies about being used like a wank sheath for his dick. The adjustable patterns of a vibrating butt plug turn my own cunt into a toy for him to use – one which adapts to whatever he desires at the simple touch of a button. Watching him in a bedroom mirror as he stares down at my ass, plunging deep into my cunt with the kind of grunts he would usually only emit if he were alone, while casually tapping the base of the plug to scroll through whatever feels best on his twitching cock… unnngh.
It’s been a long time since I discovered a sex toy that immediately kicked off so many possibilities in my perverted mind.
Pick up the Lovense Glint directly from Lovense (usually £199, currently on sale for £99 but it’s Black Friday so you have to be quick to get it at that price).
And browse around their other smart sex toys too because at the time of writing their Black Friday sale is on, with a massive 70% off certain toys and bundles.
‘Cum in me’ temporary tattoo
Sorry I don’t have any ideas here, I just really really really wanted to flag that Meo sells a temporary tattoo that says ‘cum in me’.
I want someone to buy this for me, make me put it on at the start of the evening – ideally somewhere incredibly prominent like on my chest over my heart, peeking out of the open neck of my shirt. Or on my face, even, for extra humiliation. Then I want them to tease and torment me about it over the course of maybe nine or ten hours, while edging me with fucks that lead to them almost-but-not-quite filling me with the cum I desperately want. Each time they get close, they make me beg. Remind me of what the tattoo says: that I want them to cum inside me. That I am a cum-greedy slut. Then just before I get the hot load I am aching for, they pull out and stop – forcing me to squirm in the blissful agony of unsated desire.
Oh! Turns out I did have an idea for this one, after all.
There are certain types of humiliation I can’t get behind: I never want someone to humiliate me for my looks or the way I behave. But humiliating me for being a desperately horny bitch who is so eager to get a thick helping of jizz that she’ll beg and plead and even sport a visible tattoo advertising my cum-thirsty status? Yes. Absolutely fucking yes.
Grab a pack of kinky temporary tattoos from Meo.de for $5.49
Rodeo fuckseat sex machine/Suction cup dildos in general
“You want to ride my dick, do you? First I want you to prove that you’re up to the task.”
Making someone show off their riding skills before you’ll allow them access to your own dick? Hot as fuck. Sitting back like a boss who is interviewing someone for the position of your personal sexual assistant? Perfection.
I do not personally get a kick out of riding when I’m on my own – I’m never going to attach a suction cup dildo to the shower tile so I can hump it without an audience. But oh God if someone were to insist I did that while they watched, the combination of eagerness-to-please and hot, deliciously humiliating shame would be enough to cause me to flood the bathroom floor while I did it.
As a switchy person, this kind of thing appeals to me both ways. Whether it’s a partner ordering me to ride while they watch, or me dispensing the instructions then settling in to enjoy the show. I love the idea of presenting someone with a ride-on machine like this, or even just a suction dildo attached to a chair, then telling them:
“I want to see how obedient you can be. Are you ready to show me?”
A shy nod, a slightly eager look in their eye, and then I order them to strip. Slowly. I’ve prepped by putting on a playlist that’s smutty and intense. They remove their clothes at a glacial pace, dancing a little for me and responding to praise and instruction (“Don’t just drop your trousers – unbuckle your belt and slide it all the way out through the loops.” “Turn around before you take down your pants.” “Pinch your nipples a bit – get them hard for me.”). All the time they’re dancing to my tune, in the back of their mind they are wondering what they’ll be asked to do next. The sex machine (or dildo/chair combo) is very prominently in their field of vision and therefore front of mind, so once I’ve got them into the zone it won’t come as a surprise when I hand them a bottle of lube and tell them to get themselves ready.
Watching as they bend over and slick themselves up. Making them take their time about lubing up the dick they’re about to ride. Perhaps even asking whether they’d like to pick the song they’ll ride it to.
And then – ah, then – telling them:
“Look at me. I want to watch as your eyes grow wide when you sit on it. Look at me, and don’t even think about looking away.”
Get the Rodeo fuckseat sex machine from Meo.de for $289.62
Or for a similar experience on a smaller budget, grab the Loving Joy suction cup dildo from The Pleasure Garden for £19.99. Use code GOTN10 for 10% off anything on their site.
Solo toys, with anticipation
We talk a lot about using sex toys in the bedroom with a partner, and that’s fun for sure. But I think it’s also fun – within a consensual kinky dynamic, of course – to order our partners to use toys on their own. Sometimes while we watch, sometimes just while we know they’re doing it. They know we’re aware of the filthy things they’re up to, and we can be present in their wanking even if we’re physically absent from the scene.
So I guess this is a continuation of the idea above, but at a softer and more manageable level, for those of you who don’t reckon you’d be comfortable asking your partners to strip down and ride a dildo while Massive Attack plays on the stereo.
“I want you to pick a toy that you really want to wank with, and I’m going to buy it for you for Christmas.”
“Oooh, thank you!”
“Then, I want you to use it as much as you can between Christmas and New Year.”
“Absolutely!”
“And then I want you to hand it back to me.”
“Wait – what?!”
“I’ll keep hold of it until I’m feeling in the mood for a bit of live-action porn, and when I give it back to you I want you to put all of that frustrated wank energy into putting on a really good show.”
There are layers to this one. Firstly, you get a gorgeous little insight into the kind of toys your partner might want to wank with, and hopefully a horny conversation about what appeals to them about this toy in particular. Then, both of you get the delicious anticipation of waiting for Christmas day to roll round – knowing they’ve got something filthy to unwrap. You can even flirt with them a little as you decide when to give them their gift: if you’re with family and they can’t have it till the evening, I’d be dropping sexy hints to them while they peel roast potatoes or tidy up discarded crackers. Then, there’s that fabulous period where they get to use the toy on their own, while thinking of you. It gives them the chance to experiment without any pressure, deciding what feels best and what might look best, considering how they’ll show it off to you when showtime rolls around.
Recommendations here will depend on what kind of toys your partner likes, but here are a few to kick off your exploration…
For dicks
I’m a shameless slag for anything Tenga, and so delighted was I with the internal shot of this toy that I had to pick it. This is the Tenga Flex. It doesn’t need batteries or power, just a bit of lube and away you go. Grab a Tenga Flex for £45 from SexTech.co.uk
I picked this one because as soon as I saw it I had hot ideas about getting someone naked in front of the fairy lights and enjoying their body in that magical soft-lit glow. Could only, surely, be enhanced by the actual wank sheath glowing in the dark too. Grab the Lovetoy Glow-in-the-dark for £37 from SexTech.co.uk
For clits
Budget friendly doesn’t mean it can’t be beautiful – this gorgeous pocket-sized bullet vibrator is only £32 from The Pleasure Garden (and you can use code GOTN10 for 10% off this or anything else on their site).
If you’ve got a bit more in your budget, I highly recommend the We Vibe Nova 2 – a rabbit vibrator that does pretty much everything you could ever want a rabbit vibe to do. It featured in what I think is the most-read sex toy write-up I’ve ever done for this site. It’s intense, powerful, has a range of patterns and settings, and it’s also smart so comes with an app. If you want to join in with your partner’s wanking – either at a distance or while you’re in the room – then you can control the toy while they put on a show for you. Grab a We Vibe Nova 2 for £135.45 (and 10% off with GOTN10) from The Pleasure Garden.
Doxy Die Cast Max PLUS free Doxy Go! This is such a ludicrous deal that I’m gonna mention it again at the end of the post so keep an eye out for that but basically… at the time of writing, if you buy a Die Cast Max (either the corded or the cordless version) you’ll get a Doxy Go (the cute-yet-powerful mini-wand) entirely free. They’re worth £60 and they’re amazing.
So if you pick this gift you could even do something fun like offer one of the wands as a ‘bonus’ gift to your partner if they impress you enough with their performance using the first… I imagine they’ll try to be very very good for you.
12 days of Christmas smut
We’re surrounded by AI slop these days, so personal stuff hits way harder. In the past I’ve recommended writing smut of your own for your partner, but I appreciate that this doesn’t come easily to everyone, so I’ve come up with a shortcut that combines immensely hot smut with the personal touch in a way that anyone can achieve. Ready? OK…
Create your own ‘12 days of Christmas’ journey using curated smut that you’ve selected especially for your partner.
Written stories, audio posts, videos: whatever you have access to. Find 12 different pieces of hot porn that you think will absolutely do it for them and then – I can’t stress enough how important this part is – write a summary of what you like about it, or what you think they will like about it and why. Don’t just email them a list of links: that feels like homework and it is not personal.
Ideally present it in a fun way that gives them something to open. I’m thinking a little pack of 12 notecards, and inside each one is your summary and a link or a QR code that will take them to the specific piece of porn. Maybe you want to hide these little treasures around the house so they get to discover them? Maybe you’re feeling ambitious and want to create a full-on advent calendar of smut – 24 days leading up to the grand finale on Christmas day itself? Up to you. The point is that you’re putting thought into it, and actively working to find stuff that your partner will especially enjoy.
“On the first day of Christmas, I’m remembering that conversation we had where you told me one day you might like to show off your incredible sex skills to other people, so I’m giving you this hot story about group sex in a swinger’s resort. When I listen to it, I see you in place of the character Kit…”
“On the second day of Christmas, I wanted to show some love for your obsession with tits. I love how your eyes light up when I’m wearing lingerie, so I thought I’d share a little story about a lingerie party…”
“You know how you’re my good girl, right? On the third day of Christmas I want you to put your headphones on, lie down somewhere soft and comfy, and listen to the kind of praise you deserve every single day.”
Not all of us can write smut, and although I have always longed for someone who’d be up for writing something for/about me that does the kind of thing I do for my lovers on these pages, I have to accept that we just don’t all have it in us. It’s scary and vulnerable to put your own words on the page and lay your heart out in its entirety for somebody else to peruse. But you can achieve a similar thing using other people’s words combined with your own effort and thought.
Hand-pick a selection of smut, write a little about each one, and then let your partner look forward to exploring each spicy little scene, understanding that they’ve been selected especially for them.
For the record, I would absolutely fucking love a gift like this. I think people underestimate just how far effort can go when you’re giving a gift. You don’t need to spend tonnes of money if you don’t have it – putting some thought and care into curating something can mean the absolute world.
If you want to level this up, include a picture of yourself with each suggestion, or a little memory of a hot moment you and your partner have shared together. Think of the porn as a structure around which you’re building a palace of personal treasures.
Hot porn to do this with:
BloomStories – audio smut, masturbation guides and smutty books. Some are free, but all are available if you take out a sub. Subscriptions start at $10.95 per month, but use code GIRLONTHENET for big discounts.
Literotica – written and audio smut that is absolutely free.
Girl on the Net Patreon – oh man, how did this get in here? You can also buy gift subs on Patreon if you’d like to share any of my stuff. Or just head to the audio porn page where you can get most of it for free.
A day of pleasure
This idea, like the one above, is all about being personal and putting some effort and thought in. Planning an entire day that you can spend together, giving your partner whatever they need.
The details of this will depend on your dynamic. If you’re kinky and submissive, offering to be your partner’s willing servant for the day – “tell me exactly what you want at every moment, and I will do exactly what you say. The only words out of my mouth will be ‘yes please’ and ‘thank you’, as I service each and every one of your needs, desires and fleeting whims.”
If you’re more on the dominant side, perhaps your partner would appreciate a day that’s all about them being used and toyed with. Maybe you offer a ‘day of pleasure’ that is equal parts treat and trick: telling them they’ll be confined to your apartment for 24 hours as you see how many orgasms you can wring from their initially eager but later wrecked and broken body. If your sub is anything like me, then tying them to the bed, occasionally using their holes for your pleasure, and applying a Doxy in between to wring orgasm after orgasm from their wretched, spent clit would be a good bet for a memorable day.
And hey, not all of you are kinky, so if there’s no power play dynamic then this can be pure pleasure: massages, hot baths, a playlist of all their favourite albums that you’ve put together in preparation for the day. Breakfast in bed, lunch on a picnic blanket in the front room interspersed with kissing and touching, then an evening of languid sex that ebbs and flows in between you fetching them drinks and snacks, as you watch/listen to their favourite porn together and kiss every single inch of them.
Whatever you think a day of pleasure for them would look like, write it down. Then gather a selection of items that symbolise what you think this day will be about: a blindfold, maybe; a menu from their favourite takeaway (or better: a recipe from a book to show you’ll actually cook for them); a playlist you’ve curated for the moment when you’ll lie them down and give head till their eyes roll back; a Doxy for the orgasm torture; massage oil. Whatever it might be. Get these things, put them in a box, and wrap them together with what you’ve written so you can paint them a vivid picture of what to expect. You’re giving the gift of time together, combined with the delicious anticipation of being able to look forward to when that day rolls round…
I’m recommending Doxy here again because a) it’s a ridiculous deal and I know they only have limited stock of the free Doxy Go, so I’d love for us to sell them out so they all go to lovely GOTN readers and b) there really is only one way I know of to rip orgasms from my body even when it’s spent and sated after a full day’s fucking.
Grab a Doxy Die Cast Max (or the cordless version) and get an accompanying Doxy Go completely for free.
If you’re after kinky accessories to enhance your day of pleasure, I think this blindfold from The Pleasure Garden is super pretty (and way hotter than the sleep masks I usually repurpose for kink). Also a bargain at £11.99.
The Pleasure Garden is a great place for other kink basics too, like this cotton rope for £12.99 or £9.99 bondage tape.
And if the person you’re planning to toy with all day long has a dick, then I always think flexible cock rings are a powerful tool. This Loving Joy silicone set is only £14.99 and you get three different sizes. Pick whichever one fits their cock best, and if the fit is right you can put one ring below the balls and one at the base of the shaft for max sensation and satisfying hardness. Mmmm.
Warm feelings in the heart instead of the pants
As I imagine is apparent from the above, personally I think the best gifts are ones that lead you to spend more time connecting with your partner. My favourite place to do this is in the bedroom, ideally over a period of at least 24 hours where you can really get stuck into each other’s bodies and fantasies. But there are other ways to connect as well, and this one’s been on my mind recently.
How about connecting by giving a gift together?
If you and your partner are both eligible to give blood, you can sign up to donate on the website. You could save lives together, and feel smug while eating free biscuits after your donation.
If you’re not eligible or you fancy doing something different, you can volunteer for someone like Crisis at Christmas – helping people facing homelessness by distributing food, organising activities, even performing if you have that set of skills.
These are both UK-focused, but if you’re outside the UK I bet there are charities near you who could do with an extra couple of pairs of hands over the festive season, and helping others could be a kickass way to connect with your partner by doing something wholesome and good.